# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 20
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2021, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/384 "2021-06-29T14:18:33Z")
### “Trojan” isn’t a good name for a condom. Didn’t the real Trojan horse burst open and loads of little guys came pouring out of it? * * * ### What do you call a book club that’s been stuck on one book for years? Church * * * ### What do you call two birds stuck together.. ? Velcrows… * * * ### What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? The picture of Jesus only needs one nail to hang. ---
**Author:** ![DeadTreasSecretaries](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/deadtreassecretaries/32/4817_2.png) [@DeadTreasSecretaries](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeadTreasSecretaries)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2021, 11:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/385 "2021-06-30T11:51:46Z")
I think the Bar Association should raise their ethical standards… I was talking to my lawyer today and he said “Relax! I can get you off on a technicality.” ---
**Author:** ![Hari\_Seldon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hari_seldon/32/5173_2.png) [@Hari\_Seldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hari_Seldon)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2021, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/386 "2021-06-30T16:42:18Z")
Actual headline in the NY Times: “When an Eel Climbs a Ramp to Eat Squid From a Clamp, That’s a Moray” The story was a about the fact that moray eels will come out of the water to eat and their peculiar second jaws that grab the food and retract. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2021, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/387 "2021-07-02T13:27:27Z")
### Me: You look like my first wife. Her: (surprised) How many wives have you had? Me: None * * * ### This morning when I started work, my boss called me and said, “You missed work yesterday, didn’t you?!” I said, “No, not particularly.” * * * ### My wife and I like to role play, “The Fast and The Furious”, in bed… That’s what we call my and her roles, respectively, anyway… * * * ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2021, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/388 "2021-07-03T04:47:24Z")
Alright, I’ll add my Fucking Corn… "I called in sick this morning. Boss asked what was wrong. I said, ‘Problem with my Eyes’. He asked what? I said, ’ I just can’t see coming in today’ " ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2021, 5:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/389 "2021-07-03T05:12:22Z")
Here’s the way I heard it: Hey, I won’t be in to work today…I have anal glaucoma…I just can’t see my ass coming in to work. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2021, 5:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/390 "2021-07-03T05:19:04Z")
Ahh, the Brown Eye Syndrome. As opposed to the Brown Bottle Flu. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2021, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/391 "2021-07-03T05:33:21Z")
Dad said, ‘I have anal oculosis\*. Shitty outlook.’ \*Dad wasn’t up on medical terminology. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2021, 5:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/392 "2021-07-03T05:43:11Z")
> [@Johnny\_L.A](#): > > Dad said To his R/C airplane friends, _“Hey, you wanna come to the Proctologist with me? He’s got a Special. Two Assholes for the Price of One!”_ ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2021, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/393 "2021-07-03T15:01:42Z")
### The only reason there are pyramids in Egypt is because they are too heavy to be carried to the British Museum. * * * ### I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop making airport jokes. The doctor says it’s terminal. * * * ### As a guy, I refuse to play as a female character in online games. Not because I’m sexist, I just don’t think it’s right to perpetuate the stereotype that girls are bad at games. ---
**Author:** ![Hari\_Seldon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hari_seldon/32/5173_2.png) [@Hari\_Seldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hari_Seldon)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2021, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/394 "2021-07-03T20:16:13Z")
Reminds me of the new medical school graduate who couldn’t chhose between specializing in psychiatry or proctology. He was advised to flip a coin. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2021, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/395 "2021-07-03T22:38:36Z")
He could do both, and specialise in odds and ends. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2021, 9:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/396 "2021-07-05T09:23:08Z")
> [@Hari\_Seldon](#): > > Reminds me of the new medical school graduate who couldn’t chhose between specializing in psychiatry or proctology. He was advised to flip a coin. [Joke requires a hand gesture involved forefinger and thumb in close proximity] I knew a gynecologist who was _this close_ to becoming a proctologist. ---
**Author:** ![Jim\_B](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jim_b/32/4338_2.png) [@Jim\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jim_B)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2021, 9:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/397 "2021-07-05T09:47:57Z")
_Classic Buddy Hackett joke:_ A young couple enters an old cemetery to make love. They find one of those old flat, horizontal grave stones, and make mad passionate love on it. Not too long after that, they fall asleep in each other’s arms (still on the old grave stone), understandably exhausted. The next day, they wake up. And the woman complains of a horrific back ache. So they go to their family physician, and he runs a battery of tests. While they sit in his consultation room, he tells them the results. ‘Well,’ he tells them, ‘I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is the tests didn’t reveal anything wrong with you. The bad news is, it says on your butt, you died in 1812.’ _(I told this joke here about 20 years ago. It was innocent then. Is someone going to find fault with it now? 🙂 )_ ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2021, 1:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/398 "2021-07-05T13:13:34Z")
Heh heh ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2021, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/399 "2021-07-05T13:26:46Z")
Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first cowboy says his favorite position is the “rodeo”. The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how to do it? The first cowboy says, You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she’s really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear : “Your sister likes this position too.” Then try to hang on for 8 seconds. source: [RODEO STYLE Joke - Winners Jokes](http://www.jokes4us.com/winnersjokes/rodeostylejoke.html) A man convinces his 8.99 month pregnant wife to have sex. The next day she goes into labor. The baby is born and everyone comes to visit. The doctor is checking him and the baby asks (sweet voice), “Are you my daddy?” The doctor says no. The nurse comes in and the baby again asks “Are you my daddy?” She says no. Each time someone comes, the baby asks sweetly but his father’s not there, so each answers no. Finally he arrives and the baby asks, “Are you my daddy?” He replies “Yes, my son!” The baby pounds his fist on the father’s forehead. “How do you like it, asshole?!” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2021, 1:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/400 "2021-07-05T13:42:04Z")
### A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon’s activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. “Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house. “Darling,” replied the man, “I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.” The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You liar! You’ve been playing golf!” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2021, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/401 "2021-07-06T22:14:17Z")
### The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called “The Fiddle”.. It was a Vile Inn… * * * ### I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail But apparently you can’t end a sentence with a proposition. * * * ### As I was having lunch a few minutes ago, I came to the conclusion that tofu is highly overrated. It’s just a curd to me. ---
**Author:** ![Jim\_B](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jim_b/32/4338_2.png) [@Jim\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jim_B)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2021, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/402 "2021-07-07T18:09:11Z")
@Johnny_L.A _Mary had a little lamb, given to her to keep…_ Playboy? Really? When I was about 8, I got a book on jokes. Had the exact same joke. Plus aren’t Playboy jokes all sexually-themed? Oh, well. You know there are no copyrights on jokes. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Jim\_B](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jim_b/32/4338_2.png) [@Jim\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jim_B)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2021, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/403 "2021-07-07T18:11:06Z")
_What’s the difference between a gigolo, a prostitute and a Protestant minister?_ A gigolo is a penis lender, a prostitute is a penis mender and a Protestant minister is a penis ender. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=19) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=21)