# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 211
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2023, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4212 "2023-12-24T18:07:30Z")
Where does Johnny L.A. keep his swine? ‘_In mah belleh!_’ ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2023, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4213 "2023-12-25T02:29:40Z")
_'Twas the night before Canadian Christmas, a day most holy_ _And not a person was skating, not even a goalie_ _There was no crashing or smashing, just silence throughout the rink_ _Because everyone was at the bar, getting a drink_ _And then the whistle blew and the third period began_ _We Downed Molson! Downed Keith’s! To our seats we ran_ _Down Kokanee! Down Screech! Down your pure maple syrup too!_ _Hurry up you hosers, or the next round’s on you_ _We heckled and jeckled and mocked our good friends_ _Because at the game is where neighbourly kindness ends_ _You cheer for the wrong team, those losers in blue_ _No, not the Habs; I meant the Leafs and you knew!_ _Wait, what’s that you say? 93 was 30 years ago? Ah, hell_ _Then I guess I did mean the Canadiens as well_ _But at least they’re not the Canucks, they of no Cup_ _Or the Oilers who are in the process of McFuckingUp_ _And then there’s the Flames, who won’t finish last_ _Which won’t get in the way of their going nowhere fast_ _Apparently the Sens still exist, for whatever reason_ _But we’ll acknowledge they do because 'tis the season_ _And so do the Jets, the gift that keeps giving_ _A small ray of light for those poor souls who in Winnipeg are living_ _So Santa Clause, bring us line brawls and fisticuffs and old time hockey fear_ _And we’re starting to sober up so please send the beer guy over here_ _So with that I wish you all a very Merry Christmas, and a jolly good night_ _eh._ ---
**Author:** ![abcdefghij](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/43a26b/32.png) [@abcdefghij](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/abcdefghij)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2023, 5:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4214 "2023-12-25T05:21:21Z")
> [@smithsb](#): > > 'Twas the night before Canadian Christmas Wasn’t that in November? ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2023, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4215 "2023-12-25T14:47:43Z")
### My town’s local nativity had the baby Jesus stolen. They should have nailed him down. * * * ### If Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God… Did Mary have a little lamb? * * * ### The lesser-known fourth Wise Man brought baby Jesus the gift of protein powder. It was a whey in a manger. * * * ### When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days… I’ll just get a turkey next year like normal. * * * ### What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas? COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!! ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2023, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4216 "2023-12-26T17:03:16Z")
### A nun asks her class, “Who knows what city Jesus was born in?” Little Johnny raises his hand and shouts, “Cheltenham!” The nun shakes her head and says, “No. Anyone else?” Little Johnny raises his hand again and shouts, “Willow Grove!” Again, the nun shakes her head. “Nope. Anyone else?” Little Johnny jumps up and shout, “I got it! Doylestown!” The nun shakes her head. “No. The correct answer is Bethlehem.” Little Johnny jumps up again and shouts, “Hellfire! I knew it was somewhere up Route 611.” * * * ### My wife asked, “Do you hate all Christmas movies?” I replied, “No, I love Love Actually actually.” * * * ### My uncle is great a flipping houses. This is like his third RV. * * * ### Chuck Norris called 911… …and asked if they needed help. * * * ### What would you call it if one country stole another country’s flag? Flagiarism. ---
**Author:** ![phs3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8491ac/32.png) [@phs3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phs3)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2023, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4217 "2023-12-27T04:43:22Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### A traffic cop went out of his way to leave a note under my car’s wipers to let me know I had positioned my car correctly > > It said “parking fine”. So that was nice. I remember an actual court case where someone tried to fight a ticket because a sign said “FINE FOR PARKING”. He lost. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2023, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4218 "2023-12-27T15:10:55Z")
### I was trying to console the wife of a serial killer who committed suicide. I said, “Hey, at least he died doing what he loved.” * * * ### Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence . * * * ### Aren’t you excited that Breakdancing will be part of the 2024 Paris Olympic games? I’m head over heels! * * * ### What do Alcoholics call New Year’s Eve? Amateur night. * * * ### I can’t believe it’s finally New Year’s Eve. Feels like it took all year for it to get here. ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2023, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4219 "2023-12-27T17:01:10Z")
> [@phs3](#): > > I remember an actual court case where someone tried to fight a ticket because a sign said “FINE FOR PARKING”. He lost. There was an old Gracie Allen joke that centered on a sign at the zoo that read: Please do not feed the elephants peanuts $10 fine But when she fed an elephant $10, she was asked to leave. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2023, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4220 "2023-12-27T18:21:56Z")
I was never much of a fan of The Three Stooges’ violent slapstick, even as a kid, but they did a similar bit which made me laugh. When they were going to the woods to do some hunting, Moe sees a sign in the distance and says to Larry “go see if that sign says anything about hunting”. So Larry walks up to the sign and reads it. “FINE FOR HUNTING”. **Moe** : So what did the sign say? Is it OK to hunt here? **Larry** : yeah, it’s fine. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2023, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4221 "2023-12-28T14:16:37Z")
### A man finds a magic lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie pops out and says “What are your other two wishes?” The man says “Other two? What was my first wish?” The genie just rolls his eyes and says “Check your pants.” * * * ### What did the tree rental man offer during the holidays? “Fir Lease: Navidad”. * * * ### Today I learned that you can hear the blood flowing through your veins. You just have to listen varicosely. * * * ### Orion’s Belt is a waist of space. [Bad joke: only three stars.] * * * ### I got my girlfriend a refrigerator for Christmas. You should’ve seen her face light up when she opened it. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2023, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4222 "2023-12-28T15:37:48Z")
**When I was a kid, staying up until midnight on New Year’s Eve was a treat and a privilege.** In my late teens and 20s (maybe even into my early 30s) midnight was when the party was just getting in full swing. Now, I have to struggle to stay awake till midnight on New Year’s Eve. Not really a joke, just reality 👴 🙁 ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2023, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4223 "2023-12-29T17:39:58Z")
### A drunk stumbles home after midnight, and his wife is angry. “Where the hell have you been?” He says, “I’ve been out looking for you!” “Looking for me? I’ve been here all day!” “Well, it figures, you’d be in the last place I look!” * * * ### Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st, be sure to lift your left leg That way, you’ll start the New Year on the right foot. * * * ### What do you call it when you stab a Snickers at Midnight? A Snackrifice * * * ### If we are not meant to have midnight snacks… Why does the fridge have a light ? * * * ### What do cowboys call midnight High Moon ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2023, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4224 "2023-12-29T21:58:56Z")
**It was a dark, moonless night;** the kind of night where you can barely see your hand in front of your face. A man was taking a shortcut through a graveyard and, in the dark, he fell into an open grave. He tried and tried to climb out, but he was stuck. No getting out until someone came to rescue him. Dejectedly, he settled down in the darkest of dark corners to wait. Around midnight another man, walking through the graveyard in the dark, fell into the same open grave. Like the first man, he tried and tried to scape. He was becoming frantic, trying to extricate himself, when the first man said in a low, forlorn voice, ‘You’ll _never_ get out.’ But he did! ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2023, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4225 "2023-12-30T05:02:45Z")
Getting closer, closer, CLOSER!! [![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_83,w_100,c_scale/v200/72bbcdb8a1f4778db714ced7c88ee421) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_83,w_100,c_scale/v200/72bbcdb8a1f4778db714ced7c88ee421) ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2023, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4226 "2023-12-30T14:48:37Z")
### I’m going to stay up on New Year’s Eve this year… not to see the New Year in, but to ensure this one leaves. * * * ### On their wedding night, the groom asks his new bride, “Honey, am I your first?” She replied, “Why does everyone ask me that??” * * * ### My friend got killed by a donkey - Some say he was assassinated. * * * ### Why do broccoli make the best racecar drivers? Because they floret. * * * ### Peter Pan would make a great comedian - His jokes would never get old. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2023, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4227 "2023-12-31T15:04:42Z")
### On this date, we’ll be closing out the year with a waltz. It’s 123, 123, 12/31/23 (American style dating). * * * ### Why is it a bad idea to go on a seesaw with Rick Astley? Because he’s never gonna let you down. * * * ### I always have trouble keeping my New Year’s resolutions. I’m going to save up enough money to buy a Velcro wall…and this year I plan on sticking to it. * * * ### Policeman to the driver at the side of the road. Please sign here, the fine is $187, would you like to add a tip today? * * * ### Every year I look forward to a great show at Time’s Square… …and every year they drop the ball. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2023, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4228 "2023-12-31T15:22:11Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Policeman to the driver at the side of the road. > > Please sign here, the fine is $187, would you like to add a tip today? Too funny not to make this: [Moderator Note - incorrect image removed - see corrected image in next post] ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2023, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4229 "2023-12-31T15:50:40Z")
Wrong word (‘leave’ instead of ‘add’). I corrected it. (Previous image deleted.) [[Album] imgur.com ![](https://i.imgur.com/wPW5n98.jpeg?fb "imgur.com") ](https://imgur.com/a/pLNqJ0b) ---
**Author:** ![Ponderoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponderoid/32/19221_2.png) [@Ponderoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponderoid)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2023, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4230 "2023-12-31T16:08:06Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### On this date, we’ll be closing out the year with a waltz. > > It’s 123, 123, 12/31/23 (American style dating). [![](https://i.gyazo.com/f990d34f9295a8b1664406d6601890cd.jpg) ](https://i.gyazo.com/f990d34f9295a8b1664406d6601890cd.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2023, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4231 "2023-12-31T17:58:13Z")
What do you call a teacher who refuses to fart in public? A private tooter. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=210) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=212)