# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 215
**Author:** ![Author\_Balk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Author\_Balk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Author_Balk)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2024, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4292 "2024-01-18T17:19:14Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Knock, knock. > > Who’s there? > > Iowa. > > Iowa who? > > Iowa lotta money to t he I.R.S. My version was… Iowa penny to the library for an overdue book. That shows how old that joke is. ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2024, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4293 "2024-01-18T17:24:33Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Why do people like to live by the ocean? > > That way they’re only surrounded by idiots on three sides. If you can find a nicely pointed peninsula, you can cut it down to one side. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2024, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4294 "2024-01-18T20:54:42Z")
**Whenever I’m feeling down, my friend always says things like “it could be worse-- you could be stuck at the bottom of a deep hole, trying to keep your head above water”.** I don’t always get his analogies, but I know he means well. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2024, 1:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4295 "2024-01-19T13:16:45Z")
### I’ve got a friend who is a structural engineer. He’s always complaining about stress at work. * * * ### You think gas and electric bills are expensive… have you seen chimneys? They’re through the roof! * * * ### What do you call a blind chimpanzee? a Chimpcantsee. * * * ### I walked into a disco, and there were Orcs, Trolls, and Nazgûl doing their best moves. It was Mordor on the dance floor. * * * ### I’m a lawyer heading to Iowa, hoping to find cases resulting from caucus irregularities. My first stop? Sioux City. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2024, 1:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4296 "2024-01-19T13:34:19Z")
> [@Author\_Balk](#): > > My version was… > Iowa penny to the library for an overdue book. > That shows how old that joke is. (true story) When I was a kid, I deliberately paid off all but one cent of my library overdue fees. Because as long as there was a balance outstanding, they kept a record of which books had been overdue, and that list of books always brought back fond memories. But I think at the time, the fee was 5 cents per day. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2024, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4297 "2024-01-19T18:33:34Z")
**Wife:** Whatcha up to, hon? **Husband:** Writing down some name ideas for the new boat I want to buy. **Wife:** Name for a new boat?!? We talked about this! What about our son’s college fund? **Husband:** You know what, you’re absolutely right. …“_Our Son’s College Fund_” proved to be a lot of letters to arrange on the transom, but the husband got it to fit. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2024, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4298 "2024-01-20T03:57:16Z")
Willie Nelson: “The youth of today have to start to thinking about what kind of world they want to leave behind for me and Keith Richards.” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2024, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4299 "2024-01-20T16:44:24Z")
### I say, I say, I call up the motel to make a reservation, and the fellow answers the phone, “Best Western?” And I reply, “Oh, probably _Tombstone_.” * * * ### Took a woman out on a date. Went out to dinner, then a movie with cocktails at a fancy lounge afterward. I spent a lot of money. I figured she owed me. So when we got back to my place, I turned the lights down low, sat next to her on the couch, put my arm around her and took $20 out of her purse. * * * ### In the forest, the animals, bored, decide to organize a joke competition. To avoid terrible jokes, they set a rule: the old turtle will be the judge, and if she doesn’t laugh, the contestant will be decapitated. The proud lion tells a joke about lascivious nuns. The audience bursts into thunderous laughter, but the turtle remains stoic, and the lion is decapitated. Then it’s the monkey’s turn, who tells a joke about gay individuals. Everyone doubles over in laughter, but the old turtle doesn’t crack a smile. The monkey is decapitated. Next up is the hippopotamus, who starts a joke about the Chinese. Midway through, the old turtle bursts into laughter, bending over and compulsively tapping its shell, saying, “That nun joke was fantastic!” * * * ### What does a perverted frog say? Rubbit. * * * ### Well, that’s it, I’m officially an old man. Today I caught my balls in my zipper! I guess its lace-up boots only from now on. ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2024, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4300 "2024-01-20T17:21:34Z")
I got the Peekaboo virus. They sent me to ICU. ---
**Author:** ![Hari\_Seldon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hari_seldon/32/5173_2.png) [@Hari\_Seldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hari_Seldon)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2024, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4301 "2024-01-20T23:45:04Z")
I hope I am not repeating myself. Why did the boy throw rocks at the shorebirds? He wanted to leave no tern unstoned. Why were the nudists lying face down on the beach? They wanted to leave no stern untoned. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2024, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4302 "2024-01-21T04:39:58Z")
I love putting on fresh, clean, warm underwear right from the dryer. Plus it’s fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2024, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4303 "2024-01-21T04:47:40Z")
Do people in electric cars listen to AC/DC or something more current? ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2024, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4304 "2024-01-21T05:16:33Z")
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?” The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number of the patient?” The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302." The operator replied, “Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.” After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, “I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.” The grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News.” The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?” The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit.” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2024, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4305 "2024-01-21T17:17:32Z")
### Why was the dentist investigated by the Securities & Exchange Commission? For incisor trading! * * * ### COVID is bringing everyone a little closer to being Batman: Either you are wearing a mask or your parents are dead. * * * ### How was your trip to the Middle East?" “Great! I visited an ancient temple in Iraq.” “Ziggurat?” “No thanks, I’m trying to quit.” * * * ### What do exploding pandas eat? Bamboom! * * * ### I told my drums, cymbals, xylophones, gongs, bells, and rattles players to play their part twice… …but they didn’t, so there are going to be re-percussions. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2024, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4306 "2024-01-21T17:36:26Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### How was your trip to the Middle East?" > > “Great! I visited an ancient temple in Iraq.” > > “Ziggurat?” > > “No thanks, I’m trying to quit.” “How’d you like the food over there?” “Oh, it was delicious! I forget what it’s called, but I especially liked these fried balls of chick pea dough. Only problem was, it gave me a fair bit of indigestion afterward.” “Falafel?” “Well, I sure didn’t feel _ **great** _.” ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2024, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4307 "2024-01-21T17:46:14Z")
**A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.** ‘Did you smell that food?’ the wife asked. ‘It smells absolutely incredible!’ Being a loving husband, the Scotsman thought, ‘Weel, why not? I’ll treat her!’ So they walked past it again. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2024, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4308 "2024-01-22T14:58:29Z")
### It’s a good thing that Boeing has not bought out other aircraft manufacturers. They would be blowing the doors off their competition. * * * ### I have named my dog Miles. That way I’m not lying when I tell people I walk Miles everyday. * * * ### Giraffes are the most majestic of animals. I’ve always looked up to them. * * * ### I can predict a game’s score before it even starts. I think I have ESPN. * * * ### A clown opened the door for me the other day. It was a nice jester. ---
**Author:** ![Mark\_Finn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/34f0e0/32.png) [@Mark\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mark_Finn)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2024, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4309 "2024-01-22T23:14:15Z")
**I named my dog “Street Vendor”.** He does his business on the sidewalk. **I named my other dog “Tax”.** Every time I open the door, in come Tax. **My friend named his dog “Hickory”.** He has a rough bark. ---
**Author:** ![Lare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/53a042/32.png) [@Lare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lare)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2024, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4310 "2024-01-22T23:56:05Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > I can predict a game’s score before it even starts… Me too! Zero to zero! ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2024, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4311 "2024-01-23T16:43:11Z")
### Two ninjas are talking on a rooftop Ninja 1: Hey can you show me your Throwing Star skills? Ninja 2: Shuriken * * * ### Since it started snowing, all my boyfriend has done is stare through the window. If it gets any worse I might have to let him back in. * * * ### Why does a shooting star taste better than a comet? It’s a little meteor. * * * ### If you can put a end to this ‘gif’ pronunciation debate… I’ll give you a gift of gin. * * * ### I’m a cowboy and my pronouns are Yee/Haw. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=214) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=216)