# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 224
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2024, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4472 "2024-03-02T00:52:49Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### My new friends aren’t talking to me. > > I’m beginning to think I shouldn’t have moved into this monastery. Reminds me of the time a young man decided to join a remote monastery deep in the foothills of Nepal (dusts off old joke). The head monk tells him “we have a very strict 30 year vow of silence. You can only speak 2 words every ten years.” After the first ten years the head monk asks him if he wants to use his two words. The disciple says: “food bad”. Ten years later the head monk asks again if he would like to say anything. the disciple replies: “bed uncomfortable”. After ten more years the head monk asks “what’s on your mind now?” “I quit!” “I’m not surprised” the head monk says. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.” ---
**Author:** ![Ulf\_the\_Unwashed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Ulf\_the\_Unwashed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ulf_the_Unwashed)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2024, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4473 "2024-03-02T01:14:46Z")
Or, as WS Gilbert put it back in the late 1800s, describing a situation in which Ida and Hilarion were betrothed as very young children: “Ida was a twelve-month-old Twenty years ago. I was twice her age, I’m told Twenty years ago. Husband twice as old as wife Argues ill for married life…” ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2024, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4474 "2024-03-02T01:19:20Z")
And Steven Wright’s take: “When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.” ---
**Author:** ![phs3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8491ac/32.png) [@phs3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phs3)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2024, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4475 "2024-03-02T04:26:02Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### A fisherman returns from his trip and tells his friend: > > “I caught a fish so big that when I reeled it in, the boat sank!” > “Well, that sounds like a whopper.” > “Oh, it was. But the best part is, when I got back to shore, the fish was waiting for me.” Do not get. Mind you, it’s been a long week… ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2024, 7:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4476 "2024-03-02T07:24:06Z")
“Sounds like a whopper” can mean either “sounds like a big fish” or “sounds like a big lie.” ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2024, 1:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4477 "2024-03-02T13:17:16Z")
Hmm. I got that part, but I don’t understand why the fish was waiting back at the shore. mmm ---
**Author:** ![SuntanLotion](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suntanlotion/32/16165_2.png) [@SuntanLotion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuntanLotion)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2024, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4478 "2024-03-02T14:08:51Z")
Because it was such a big fish, it had enough mojo to be there for the guy? ---
**Author:** ![phs3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8491ac/32.png) [@phs3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phs3)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2024, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4479 "2024-03-02T15:13:31Z")
Exactly. Thanks; I was starting to think I was the only one! ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2024, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4480 "2024-03-02T16:28:53Z")
### 3/15 is The Ides of March. Do you know what time it officially starts? “At two”. * * * ### On March 10th, 1876, Alexander Graham Bell made the first telephone call. Moments later, he learned his auto warranty had expired. * * * ### Why is March through May the best time of the month to buy a mattresses? It’s when they are the most springy. * * * ### Did you know that in North Korea, the soldiers always march to the left? That’s because there are no rights. * * * ### They are doing a new sequel to the movie “March of the Penguins” They are calling it “April of the Penguins!” ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2024, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4481 "2024-03-02T16:34:33Z")
**Remember Akira Kurosawa’s film _Ran_?** They’re making a sequel: _Also Ran_. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2024, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4482 "2024-03-02T19:25:38Z")
**In Mexico, it’s amazing how many people have an uncle named Tio.** ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2024, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4483 "2024-03-03T01:48:06Z")
This might not qualify as a joke, but… > **[Lawyers that successfully argued Musk’s $56B Tesla pay package was excessive...](https://nypost.com/2024/03/02/business/lawyers-that-successfully-argued-musks-56b-tesla-pay-package-was-excessive-seek-jaw-dropping-6b-fee/)** > > The lawyers who won a Delaware ruling voiding Elon Musk’s $56 billion compensation are demanding a nearly $6 billion award in the carmaker’s stock. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2024, 5:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4484 "2024-03-03T05:04:44Z")
Moderating: let’s keep political jabs out of the joke thread, please. ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2024, 12:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4485 "2024-03-03T12:43:49Z")
> [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > My favorite things are eating my family and not using commas. I’m getting a ton of Facebook likes for this one — thanks. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2024, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4486 "2024-03-03T15:02:05Z")
### My girlfriend can count the number of guys she’s been intimate with on one hand… …if she’s holding a calculator. * * * ### The binary equivalent of 5 is pretty funny. l0l. * * * ### My doctor just diagnosed me with Carousel Flu. It’s going around. * * * ### I was going to lease a limo, but it didn’t come with a driver. I’d hate to spend all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it. * * * ### What’s the fastest way to kill a circus troupe? Go for the juggler. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2024, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4487 "2024-03-03T18:47:20Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/a22fae0ac9e7ff0417ea16e6187cef33) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/a22fae0ac9e7ff0417ea16e6187cef33) ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2024, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4488 "2024-03-03T18:52:30Z")
I tried to rid the internet of Star Trek jokes, but found out it was a huge Enterprise ---
**Author:** ![Wallaby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/dc4da7/32.png) [@Wallaby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wallaby)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2024, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4489 "2024-03-03T19:28:21Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### My girlfriend can count the number of guys she’s been intimate with on one hand… > > …if she’s holding a calculator. I asked my wife how many guys she’d been intimate with and she replied: ‘Let’s see now - one, two, three, four, you, six, seven, eight…’. ---
**Author:** ![Ulf\_the\_Unwashed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Ulf\_the\_Unwashed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ulf_the_Unwashed)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2024, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4490 "2024-03-04T02:35:19Z")
Today’s gospel reading at church answered the age-old question of WWJD–that is, What Would Jesus Drive: We know he had a Plymouth, because he drove the moneychangers out of the temple in a Fury. (He also had a Honda, but he didn’t like to discuss it. His dad had one too. “For I speak not of my own Accord, but of my father’s”) ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2024, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4491 "2024-03-04T04:21:50Z")
I heard he burned up the desert in his Triumph? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=223) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=225)