# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 228
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2024, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4552 "2024-03-16T16:14:05Z")
### Marie Curie was a beautiful woman. She grew more radiant every day. * * * ### “May you live as long as you want and not want as long as you live!” is an Irish toast. “Bread, cinnamon, eggs and maple syrup!” is a French toast. * * * ### Russian Election One of Putin’s ministers come to see him. “Sir, I have good news and bad news.” Putin sighed and said, “tell me the bad news.” “The bad news is that no-one voted for you in the election.” Putin stood, his face flushed with anger. “Well, what’s the good news?” The minister cowered before answering, “you won anyway!” * * * ### Julia Roberts has a new movie coming out on St. Patrick’s Day. She stars as a feisty legal assistant who exposes the toxic chemicals in green beer. It’s called _Erin Go-bragh-kovich._ * * * ### A professor at Oxford University is retiring after a brilliant career spanning several decades. At the farewell dinner, all his fellow professors and colleagues gather to congratulate him, thank him for his service, and give rousing speeches about how great his contribution to the University and the world has been. Someone proposes a toast, and just as they begin, there’s a flash of light accompanied by divine music, and … there in front of the gathering is an Angel from heaven. Turns out that the gods have also been impressed by the professor. The Angel turns to the professor and says “Sir, you have been an exceptional human being and an inspirational teacher. As a mark of appreciation from the gods themselves, I have been asked to grant you a Wish: you can choose between Infinite Wisdom and Infinite Wealth. Speak, sir, what would you have?” Without hesitating, the professor chooses Infinite Wisdom. “So be it”, says the Angel, waves a wand, and then vanishes. A dim halo appears around the professor’s head. The gathering has been stunned into silence by all this. Finally someone finds the voice to speak, and tells the professor “well… say something”. The professor says, “I should have taken the money”. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2024, 8:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4553 "2024-03-17T08:23:56Z")
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2024, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4554 "2024-03-17T13:31:15Z")
### Cap’m Crunch, Lucky the leprechaun, and the Trix rabbit have all been found murdered in recent months. Police believe they’re all victims of character assassination. * * * ### What’s the difference between St Patrick’s Day and Martin Luther King Day? On St. Paddy’s Day, everyone pretends to be Irish. * * * ### Last St. Patrick’s day I drank too much and had to take a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before * * * ### Why shouldn’t you iron a shamrock? Because you don’t want to press your luck. * * * ### There was a young lady from Clyde Who ate a bad apple and died. The apple fermented inside the lamented, Making cider inside her insides. ---
**Author:** ![SuntanLotion](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suntanlotion/32/16165_2.png) [@SuntanLotion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuntanLotion)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2024, 1:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4555 "2024-03-17T13:33:45Z")
Character assassination? Done by a cereal killer. ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2024, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4556 "2024-03-17T13:48:50Z")
That is why he was called “Cap’m Crunch”, I guess. But when is the Crunchberrial? And why do police suspect the Cocoa Puffs spokescuckoo? ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2024, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4557 "2024-03-18T15:57:55Z")
### I went to the strip club this weekend with a bag of quarters. Some people make it rain; I made it hail. * * * ### What does a samurai do when he wants to ride in the front row? He calls shogun. * * * ### Scientists have discovered the cause of impotence in old age. All the stiffness goes to the back and the knees. * * * ### A guy at church claimed he was a bishop, but I know he was lying. He wasn’t moving diagonally. * * * ### It is not well known, but when Noah’s ark sailed, the male dog didn’t make it onboard. But it worked out because he was a good buoy. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2024, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4558 "2024-03-18T20:09:44Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/0a7900a71131c7a754f465e731446393) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/0a7900a71131c7a754f465e731446393) ---
**Author:** ![Orville\_mogul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/aeb1de/32.png) [@Orville\_mogul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Orville_mogul)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2024, 9:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4559 "2024-03-19T09:25:39Z")
True story: I had a Scottish colleague at work and we got to talking about a wonderful single malt whisky he had at home. I showed great interest and he told me he would bring it to the office the next day “for a sniff.” I figured that was a Scottish term for having a drink and I said I looked forward to it. Next day sure enough he brought out the bottle, pulled out the stopper, stuck the bottle under my nose and said, here, sniff. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2024, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4560 "2024-03-19T17:10:02Z")
### Son asks Dad, “How much does marriage cost?” Dad: “I don’t know, Son; I’m still paying for it.” * * * ### Boy, aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married. Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?! Boy: Yes… grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too…and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world! Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there! Boy: What problem?! Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother! Boy: Why not?! You married mine! * * * ### “Hey, Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?” “No, Son, have you seen my dad glasses?” * * * ### How do trees feel in the Spring? Relieved. * * * ### What does the writer suffer from each spring? A case of allegories. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2024, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4561 "2024-03-20T13:31:32Z")
### I had a headache last night, so I put some margarine on it and went to bed. I can’t believe it’s not better. * * * ### At 7am one morning a man stumbles, blind drunk, with lipstick on his face and collar, into his kitchen and is confronted by his furious wife. “I suppose there’s a good reason why you have come home in that state?” “Breakfast!” replies the man. * * * ### A lost sales rep stops to ask a passing Marine for directions. “Excuse me,” says the rep, “what’s the quickest way to Exeter?” The Marine thinks for a moment and then asks, “Are you walking or driving?” “I’m driving,” replies the man. “Yep. That’s the quickest way!” says the Marine. * * * ### Who is the coolest guy in the hospital? The ultra-sound guy. When the ultra-sound guy is off, who is the coolest guy in the hospital? The hip replacement man. * * * ### Two elderly friends were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me, I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.” Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?” ---
**Author:** ![Railer13](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/railer13/32/9742_2.png) [@Railer13](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Railer13)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2024, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4562 "2024-03-20T14:14:09Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > who is the coolest guy in the hospital? > The hip replacement man. Heh. This image came across my FB feed yesterday. Made me chuckle. [![Imgur](https://i.imgur.com/ig14J8A.jpeg "imgur.com") ](https://imgur.com/ig14J8A) ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2024, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4563 "2024-03-20T14:51:16Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### “Hey, Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?” > > “No, Son, have you seen my dad glasses?” I am holding this joke in reserve until such time as one of my two sons asks me this. It may take a week, it may take 10 years. > [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Who is the coolest guy in the hospital? > > The ultra-sound guy. > > When the ultra-sound guy is off, who is the coolest guy in the hospital? > The hip replacement man. How about the _ **rad** _iologist? 😏 ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2024, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4564 "2024-03-20T23:58:14Z")
**D.I.: Smith!** **Smith:** Yes, sir! **D.I.** I didn’t see you at the camouflage practice today! **Smith** Thank you, sir! ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2024, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4565 "2024-03-21T12:44:01Z")
### I say, I say, where do polar bears vote? The North Poll. * * * ### Doctor, Doctor, I think I need glasses! You certainly do, sir, this is McDonald’s. * * * ### Doctor, Doctor, I think there’s two of me! One at a time, please. * * * ### During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. “Your jeep stuck, sir?” asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. “Nope,” replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, “Yours is.” * * * ### Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. “Bad day at the course?” his wife asked. “Everything was going fine,” he said. “Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee.” “Oh, that’s awful!” “You’re not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry.” ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2024, 12:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4566 "2024-03-21T12:49:56Z")
A six year old boy was going to bring cupcakes to school to celebrate his birthday. Only trouble was that he had a broken leg and was having trouble carrying the cupcakes while on crutches. His mother asked her other son, an eight year old, if he could help him carry the cupcakes. The boy replied “I could, but I prefer not to.” Sensing a teaching moment, the mother asked “What would Jesus do?” The boy answered “He’d cure his broken leg so he could carry his own fucking cupcakes!” ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2024, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4567 "2024-03-21T14:27:00Z")
**A polar bear liked to spend half the year in Antarctica.** He was a bipolar bear. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2024, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4568 "2024-03-21T19:18:17Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Doctor, Doctor, I think there’s two of me! > > One at a time, please. ### Doctor, Doctor, I can’t tell whether I’m a tepee or a wigwam! Calm down, you’re two tents. > [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. > > “Bad day at the course?” his wife asked. > “Everything was going fine,” he said. “Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee.” > “Oh, that’s awful!” > “You’re not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry.” The next week Fred’s wife asked if she could go golfing with him. Fred hit a massive slice on the seventh hole. The course was next to a farm, and the ball landed on the far side of a barn that was nearby. Fred’s wife said “I have an idea- if we open the large doors at each end of the barn, and you hit the ball just right, it’ll sail through the barn and end up right on the fairway”. Fred agreed it was worth a try. But Fred hit the ball too high-- it bounced off a barn rafter and hit his wife on the head, killing her instantly. Months later Fred decided, as part of the healing process, to go back and play the same golf course. This time he went with a friend. Fred hit another massive slice at the very same tee, and the ball ended up again at the far side of the barn. His friend said “I have an idea- if we open the large doors at each end of the barn, and you hit the ball just right, it’ll…” “STOP RIGHT THERE!” Said Fred. “Are you _ **crazy** _?” Don’t you know the horrible, tragic result, the last time I tried that?!?" “I double-bogeyed”. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2024, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4569 "2024-03-22T15:01:22Z")
### I am bisexual. I have sex twice a year. * * * ### My doctor says I’m paranoid. Well, he didn’t actually say that, but I know it’s what he’s thinking! * * * ### I tried to come up with a joke about restraining orders… …but this was as close as I could get. * * * ### I’ve got two, maybe three more Motown puns in me. Four tops. * * * ### How do submarines hail each other? Yo! What’s sub? ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2024, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4570 "2024-03-23T16:17:53Z")
### Doctor Who has been filmed all over Britain but there is one place that the makers of the show have been adamant that they will never film in. By the sea, there is a lovely city called Brighton, which has two rather prominent piers. And it’s these piers that are the reason the show makers refuse to bring The Doctor there, because as everyone knows, there is nothing a time traveler hates more than a pair o’ docks. * * * ### A man receives a phone call from the local post office… “Sir, we really must complain” the caller said, “your dog keeps attacking our postman on a bike”. The main angrily replied “well it can’t be _my_ dog… he doesn’t even know how to ride a bike” and hung up. * * * ### A lot of people hate elevator music… …but I find it uplifting. * * * ### Is it okay if I start drinking the moment the kids are in school… …or does that make me a bad teacher? * * * ### If I was Snow White you’d never poison me with an apple. You’d need to poison an eclair. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2024, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4571 "2024-03-24T15:45:43Z")
# A Selection from _The Morecambe Wise Joke Book_ Hello! Long time no see. How are you? _Fine, thanks._ Got a job yet? _Got a terrific job._ Great! What are you doing? _I work in the circus — mucking out the elephants._ Mucking out the elephants? How many are there of them? _Twenty-five._ Twenty-five elephants! How much do they pay you? _Seven pounds fifty pence a week._ Seven pounds fifty a week for mucking out twenty-five elephants! That’s terrible! If I were you, I’d chuck it all in and get an office job. _What, and give up show business?_ Is there any chance of advancement? _There might be — they’ve just fired the human cannon-ball. And they’re_ _looking for someone of the same calibre._ Wait a minute — you were with the circus before. You were engaged to a lady contortionist. What happened? _She broke it off._ Very painful. You must have show business in your blood. _I have. When I was eight I ran away with a circus._ Really? _Yes. Then, when I was nine, they made me bring it back again. So after that_ _I decided to go into the theatre. My father had given me a drum and told me_ _to beat it._ But you were still a child! How did you support yourself? _I taught piano playing._ Taught piano playing? _Yes, I taught piano playing was easy — but I soon learned it was hard. So I_ _started to practise on the sly — which is a lot more difficult than practising_ _on the piano._ [Morecambe & Wise was an English comic doubles act that ran from the 1940s up to 1984. They were most successful on TV.] [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=227) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=229)