# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 23
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2021, 4:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/445 "2021-07-15T04:18:14Z")
> [@Askance](#): > > For Sigmund Freud, what came between Fear and Sex? > > Fünf. Nice! There were two cats, one from the UK and one from France. The British cat was named one-two-three, and the French cat was named un-deux-trois. They decided to have a swimming contest across the English Channel, from the coast of England to the coast of France. Which cat won and why? One-two-three won because un-deux trois cat sank (un deux trois quatre cinq) ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2021, 9:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/446 "2021-07-15T09:56:10Z")
> [@Shoeless](#): > > That reminds of the one where the guy comes home and says “Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!” > > The wife says “That’s great news! Where are we going? France? Spain? Italy?” > > The husband says “I don’t care where you go… just get the fuck out!” I remember Tony Randall telling that one to Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show. I have never forgotten it. (I believe his version had the husband calling from work, with the punchline "I don’t care, just have your ass out of there before I get home) mmm ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2021, 10:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/447 "2021-07-15T10:41:35Z")
(post deleted by author) ---
**Author:** ![Stanislaus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stanislaus/32/3391_2.png) [@Stanislaus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stanislaus)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2021, 11:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/448 "2021-07-15T11:01:22Z")
[quote=“Shoeless, post:437, topic:848629, full:true”] > [@JKellyMap](#): > > > [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > > > > ### Wife: Honey, what will you give me for our 25th anniversary? > > > > > > > Husband: A trip to Paris. > > > > > > > > Wife: Wow! That’s wonderful! How about for our 50th? > > > > > > > > Husband: I’ll pick you back up. > > > > [/quote] > > > > > > Love it! > > That reminds of the one where the guy comes home and says “Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!” > > The wife says “That’s great news! Where are we going? France? Spain? Italy?” > > The husband says “I don’t care where you go… just get the fuck out!” Ha ha ha! Brilliant! Reminds me of another one. I forget the build up but the punchline is: “Women are awful and men justifiably hate them” _Hil_-aaaaarious ---
**Author:** ![CardboardBoxx](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cardboardboxx/32/7079_2.png) [@CardboardBoxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CardboardBoxx)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2021, 11:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/449 "2021-07-15T11:55:02Z")
That would work better if the English cat was called four-three-two. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2021, 12:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/450 "2021-07-15T12:10:27Z")
### “I am Buzz Aldrin, the second man to step on the moon.” “Neil before me.” * * * ### Killed some ants in my house today In my defense, they were breaking and antering. * * * ### Little Johnny went to confession. Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, “Is that you, little Johnny Pagano?” “Yes, Father, it is.” “And who was the girl you were with?” “I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.” “Well, Johnny, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?” “I cannot say.” “Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?” “I’ll never tell.” “Was it Nina Capelli?” “I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.” “Was it Cathy Piriano?” “My lips are sealed.” “Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?” “Please, Father! I cannot tell you.” The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.” Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “Well what’d you get?” Johnny says “Four months vacation and five good leads…” ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2021, 12:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/451 "2021-07-15T12:27:58Z")
Assuming my German is correct, @kayaker, that sure looks like a rape joke. There was a mod note specifically not to post such things. Do not do this. RickJay Moderator ---
**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2021, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/452 "2021-07-15T14:54:55Z")
> [@swampspruce](#): > > I’m absolutely hearing this in Redd Foxx’s voice. Mostly cos that’s who I heard tell it first… 😃 Here’s another Redd Foxx joke from a live performance: The teacher told the little boy to use the word “definitely” in a sentence. The little boy said, “The sky is definitely blue.” The teacher said, “No, because when it gets cloudy the sky is gray.” “OK, the grass is definitely green.” The teacher said, “No, because if it doesn’t rain the grass turns brown.” Then the little boy said, “Teacher, do farts have lumps in 'em?” The teacher said, “No!” The boy said, “Well, then I _definitely_ shit.” Then he said, “Hey, the lady in the front row just said, ‘He said shit!’ Hang around lady, because I’m going to say ‘fuck’ next!” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2021, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/453 "2021-07-16T16:17:36Z")
# “How would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?” While teaching a class a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question: “Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?” Michael said: “Just a minute I have to go pee.” The teacher responded by saying: “That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?” Sherman said: “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.” “That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?” Johnny said: “I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.” ---
**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2021, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/454 "2021-07-16T18:20:59Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > Who are the fastest readers of all time? Too soon. ---
**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2021, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/455 "2021-07-16T18:31:49Z")
> [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](#): > > _Zehr_ funny. Sehr? ---
**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2021, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/456 "2021-07-16T18:34:06Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Wife: Honey, what will you give me for our 25th anniversary? > > Husband: A trip to Paris. > > Wife: Wow! That’s wonderful! How about for our 50th? > > Husband: I’ll pick you back up. A husband races in the door and says, “Honey, pack your bags! I just won the lottery!” “Oh, that is great! What should I pack?” “I don’t give a shit, just get out!” ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2021, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/457 "2021-07-16T19:08:24Z")
[It was funnier when Shoeless told it.](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/437) ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2021, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/458 "2021-07-16T19:54:33Z")
In Downtown Los Angeles, [Grand Avenue and Olive Street are one block apart and run parallel to each other.](https://www.google.com/maps/place/S+Grand+Ave,+Los+Angeles,+CA/@34.0543907,-118.252136,17z/data=!3m1!4b1!4m5!3m4!1s0x80c2c86f9d925259:0x61e8b7bd6535b7a4!8m2!3d34.0543907!4d-118.2499473) One moonless night the power went out and left the city in complete darkness. Popeye was feeling his way up and down Olive and thought it was Grand. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2021, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/459 "2021-07-16T21:24:55Z")
> [@CookingWithGas](#): > > > [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > > > Who are the fastest readers of all time? > > Too soon. Ladies and gentlemen… The Aristocrats! ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2021, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/460 "2021-07-16T21:34:37Z")
**Why don’t vegans eat pudding?** You can’t have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat. ---
**Author:** ![Dogginit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dogginit/32/16920_2.png) [@Dogginit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogginit)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2021, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/461 "2021-07-16T23:03:41Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Wife: Honey, what will you give me for our 25th anniversary? > > Husband: A trip to Paris. > > Wife: Wow! That’s wonderful! How about for our 50th? > > Husband: I’ll pick you back up. Couple laying in bed, wife asks the husband, “If I died, do you think you’d take another woman?” “I guess I probably would, yes.” “Would you let her wear my clothes?” “Makes sense, you have a fortune in clothing.” “Would you let her drive my car?” “Of course, no sense getting rid of a good BMW.” “Would you let her use my golf clubs?” “Of course not, she’s left-handed.” 🤣 ---
**Author:** ![Dogginit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dogginit/32/16920_2.png) [@Dogginit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogginit)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2021, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/462 "2021-07-16T23:11:01Z")
> [@CookingWithGas](#): > > Then he said, “Hey, the lady in the front row just said, ‘He said shit!’ Hang around lady, because I’m going to say ‘fuck’ next!” Pearl Bailey was quoted as saying “All these women say they’re offended because I talk dirty. If they so pure, how do they know what I’m talking about?” ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2021, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/463 "2021-07-17T00:37:53Z")
> [@CookingWithGas](#): > > Sehr? Oh, for the luvva… I’ve known how to spell that word since 8th grade German class. I had posted “Sehr” and thought I’d better check the spelling – since the memory is going – and the first thing Googled was a song called, “_Zehr_ Gut,” and I thought, hooray! I caught a boo-boo in the nick of time. 😠 Well, by this time next month the rest of my faculties will be evaporated and what were we talking about? Where the hell am I? 🤪 ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2021, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/464 "2021-07-17T22:46:43Z")
**What do you call a fish with three eyes?** **FIIISH!** [![](https://i.imgur.com/V6lVt4M.jpg) ](https://i.imgur.com/V6lVt4M.jpg) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=22) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=24)