# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 234
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2024, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4672 "2024-04-16T15:14:58Z")
Are you sure the clockwise / counter-clockwise merry-go-round difference is not between North America / Europe and Australia? 😃 (Yes, I know the widespread belief that toilets and sinks drain with an opposite rotation in Australia due to the Coriolis effect is a myth) ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2024, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4673 "2024-04-16T17:49:40Z")
### Why do Brits stir coffee clockwise and Italians do it anticlockwise? > To dissolve the sugar. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2024, 12:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4674 "2024-04-17T12:32:00Z")
### Doctor, Doctor, everytime I sneeze I have an orgasm! > Well, what are you taking for it? > Ground pepper! * * * ### What’s the difference between Jews and Christians? > Jews get really angry, but Christians only get a little cross. * * * ### 665.95. > The retail price of the Beast. * * * ### Hello, funeral home? > Yes. This is Ollie Miller. My wife, Lena, has passed away. > I’m very sorry to hear that. Give me your address and I’ll have her body picked up. 2011 Eucalyptus Drive. > Can you spell that? Uhhh… how about I drag her over to Oak Street and you can pick her up there? * * * ### Wife: Oh, honey, I’m so glad you’re home. A burglar broke into the house last night! > Husband: Oh, my. Did he get anything? > Wife: Yes, but only because I thought he was you. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2024, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4675 "2024-04-17T13:58:56Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > 2011 Eucalyptus Drive. > > > Can you spell that? > > Uhhh… how about I drag her over to Oak Street and you can pick her up there? If he lived in New Orleans, his address could be on Tchoupitoulas Street. ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2024, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4676 "2024-04-18T00:30:06Z")
**What is 668?** The Neighbour of The Beast. (In some areas, **667** would work better, apparently - IDNKT!) ---
**Author:** ![Civil\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d78d45/32.png) [@Civil\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Civil_Guy)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2024, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4677 "2024-04-18T01:50:41Z")
So 666i is the number of the imaginary Beast? Or the imaginary number of the Beast? ---
**Author:** ![SuntanLotion](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suntanlotion/32/16165_2.png) [@SuntanLotion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuntanLotion)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2024, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4678 "2024-04-18T01:58:35Z")
999 upside down beast. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2024, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4679 "2024-04-18T15:23:30Z")
### You know what makes the Antichrist a bad guy? > He turns wine into water. * * * ### I make apocalypse jokes… > Like there’s no tomorrow. * * * ### Jimmy Carr: I understand non-binary. I get it. My pronouns are he, he, he. > I identify as a comedian. * * * ### Why should you cook kale in coconut oil? > Makes it easier to slide it right into the trash. * * * ### I say, I say, I can eat sugar with my right OR my left hand. > I’m ambi-dextrose. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2024, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4680 "2024-04-18T15:32:21Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### You know what makes the Antichrist a bad guy? > > > He turns wine into water. I turn wine into water. Does that make me the Antichrist? ---
**Author:** ![Thing.Fish](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thing.fish/32/9168_2.png) [@Thing.Fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thing.Fish)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2024, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4681 "2024-04-18T15:52:45Z")
Remind me never to accept a drink of water from **solost.** ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2024, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4682 "2024-04-18T15:58:55Z")
Hey, I didn’t say I turned wine into _potable_ water. ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2024, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4683 "2024-04-18T22:24:26Z")
Some people will use any Port in a stream. ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2024, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4684 "2024-04-19T00:54:23Z")
> [@Thing.Fish](#): > > Remind me never to accept a drink of water from **solost.** @Thing.Fish ? Remember: never to accept a drink of water from **solost.** ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2024, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4685 "2024-04-19T15:11:58Z")
### One day, the US military decided to take a poll to see how the different branches handle a specific situation, in this case a scorpion in a service member’s tent. One representative from each major branch is selected, and each answers privately. > The question was a simple one: “There is a scorpion in your tent. What do you do?” > Army: “I would crush it with my boot and throw it outside.” > Navy: “I would pick it up by the tail and throw it outside.” > Marines: “I’d bite its head off before cooking and eating it.” > Air Force: “I’d call down to the front desk and ask why there’s a tent in my hotel room.” * * * ### A young girl asks her father, “Daddy what does the word ‘corruption’ mean?” > “Bring me a beer and I’ll tell you.” > “But mummy says you shouldn’t drink!” > “Get a nice ice cream as well while you bring me beer.” > “Oh, okay!” * * * ### A husband asks his wife, “If I die, will you marry another man?” > The wife answered, "No, of course not! I’m going to go live with my sister. What about you, are you getting married again when I’m gone? " > He replied, “No, same as you. I’m going to go live with your sister.” * * * ### The doctor told me I had pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis > I said, “How can you even say that?” * * * ### I say, I say, what is a Greek dog’s favorite party? > A bark-analia. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2024, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4686 "2024-04-19T15:26:19Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis That’s one of those words you _had_ to know when you were a kid. It made playing Hangman easy once you caught on. > [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > A bark-analia. They have the [Krewe of Barkus](https://kreweofbarkus.org) parade in New Orleans at Mardi Gras. ---
**Author:** ![bob\_2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bob_2/32/3341_2.png) [@bob\_2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bob_2)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2024, 9:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4687 "2024-04-20T09:21:49Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### 665.95. > > > The retail price of the Beast. Wrong: Still 666 but now the new improved BEAST ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2024, 11:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4688 "2024-04-20T11:53:34Z")
An even more amazing deal! If you act right now and are within the first (12 million) 10 callers; we will include, for no extra charge, a second Beast\*. \*ᴶᵘˢᵗ ᵖᵃʸ ˢᵗᵃⁿᵈᵃʳᵈ ˢʰᶦᵖᵖᶦⁿᵍ ᵃⁿᵈ ʰᵃⁿᵈˡᶦⁿᵍ ᶜʰᵃʳᵍᵉˢ, ˢᵘʳʳᵉⁿᵈᵉʳ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡ ᶦⁿᶠᵒʳᵐᵃᵗᶦᵒⁿ, ᵃⁿᵈ ᵇᵉ ᵈᵒᵍᵍᵉᵈ ᶠᵒʳ ᵗʰᵉ ʳᵉˢᵗ ᵒᶠ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈʷᶦⁿᵈˡᶦⁿᵍ ˡᶦᶠᵉ ʷᶦᵗʰ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵒᶠᶠᵉʳˢ ˡᶦᵏᵉ ᵗʰᶦˢ. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2024, 1:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4689 "2024-04-20T13:15:20Z")
### Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds… > They’ve left no tern unstoned… * * * ### My friend bioengineered a cannabis plant that grows large, colorful flowers. > I got to see it, and I must admit, it was pretty dope. * * * ### It’s no surprise doctors are now prescribing cannabis for arthritis sufferers… > I mean, the definition of arthritis is “inflammation of the joints”. * * * ### With cannabis now legal in parts of the country, we would be remiss not to discuss the negative impacts of smoking weed. For example, after smoking… > …you have less weed. * * * ### Snoop Dogg has come up with a plan to smoke weed even after he dies. > He’ll be..rolling in his grave. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2024, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4690 "2024-04-20T13:26:12Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### With cannabis now legal in parts of the country, we would be remiss not to discuss the negative impacts of smoking weed. For example, after smoking… > > > …you have less weed. Reminds me of a joke some comedian did back when only medicinal cannabis was available in his state of California. “The doctor asked me what medical condition I had that could be alleviated by cannabis. I said it was to relieve the acute anxiety I get… …when I run out of weed”. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2024, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4691 "2024-04-20T16:40:30Z")
My daughter pointed out this isn’t just 420 day. Its 4202024, which is a palindrome! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=233) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=235)