# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 239
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2024, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4772 "2024-05-11T17:06:45Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > “What? He had two assholes?” asked the mortician. Coincidenally, that same mortician was working the night shift a few days later when a body was brought in. The mortician removed its clothing and began to examine the body. When he got to the backside, he observed a cork firmly implanted in the anal opening. Curious, the mortician removed the cork. Suddenly, from the posterior came the first line of the song Danny Boy, in the most hauntingly beautiful baritone Irish lilt: _“Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling…”_ Surprised, the mortician quickly replaces the cork, and the song immediately stops. The mortician tries removing the cork a second time: _“…from glen to glen, and down the mountainside….”_ He reinserts the cork and gets on the phone with his supervisor. “Sorry to wake you up boss, but there’s something you got to see. No, if I told you over the phone you wouldn’t believe me; you have to see it for yourself.” About an hour later the supervisor arrives. The mortician says “check this out” and triumphantly removes the cork from the dead man’s posterior once again. _“Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling…”_ “This is what you got me out of a sound sleep and dragged me down here for in the middle of the night?” The supervisor angrily says. “Some asshole singing Danny Boy?” ---
**Author:** ![phs3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8491ac/32.png) [@phs3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phs3)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2024, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4773 "2024-05-12T02:37:04Z")
> [@Wallaby](#): > > My son is aiming to be a professional musician, and asked me how to make money in the industry - I said ‘Get a big hat’. You know the difference between a musician and a professional musician? A musician has a day job. A professional museum has a partner with a day job. ---
**Author:** ![Karen\_Lingel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/karen_lingel/32/18649_2.png) [@Karen\_Lingel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Karen_Lingel)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2024, 6:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4774 "2024-05-12T06:29:40Z")
That’s some wild auto-correct. ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2024, 11:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4775 "2024-05-12T11:21:48Z")
Yes… though it did remind me that “music” and “museum” share a root…along with be Muses. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2024, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4776 "2024-05-12T13:31:30Z")
After my prostate exam, the doctor left and the nurse came in. As she shut the door, she whispered three words no man wants to hear. “Who was that?” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2024, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4777 "2024-05-12T13:51:20Z")
### A mosquito is like a kid. > When he stops making noise, he’s on to something. * * * ### An ailing man went to the most expensive doctor he could find. > The doctor started off by saying that his first office visit would cost two hundred dollars. The man said, ‘““That’s a lot of money. I can’t afford that.” > The doctor said, “Now that you’re here, I’ll only charge a hundred.” > “Doc, a hundred is too much. I’m taking care of my aged parents.” > “Seventy-five, is that all right?” > “With six kids?” > The fee was finally lowered to ten dollars and accepted. > The doctor went on, “I’m curious. You know that I’m the most expensive doctor in the city. Why did you come to me?” > The man said, “Where my health is concerned, money is no object!” * * * ### A car ran over a rooster. The owner of the car was most concerned. > He told the farmer, “I didn’t mean to run over your rooster, and more than anything, > I’d like to replace him.” > The farmer said, “Well, go ahead, then. Introduce yourself to the chickens—they’re > in the back!” * * * ### A man bragged, “For ten years my habits were like clockwork. > I got up at six, had breakfast at seven, and at seven-fifteen I was at work.” > Another man nearby said, “No kidding? What were you in for?” * * * ### I go out on a lot of job interviews. > My resume is in its fourth printing. ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2024, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4778 "2024-05-12T13:59:28Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > . Introduce yourself to the chickens—they’re > in the back!” Hilarious! Slightly funnier if you replace “chickens” with “hens.” ---
**Author:** ![phs3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8491ac/32.png) [@phs3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phs3)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2024, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4779 "2024-05-12T14:35:23Z")
Oops. So it is, though it’s not autocorrect: it’s being tired and trying to type quietly because it irritates my wife if I’m typing while she’s trying to read! ---
**Author:** ![Ponderoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponderoid/32/19221_2.png) [@Ponderoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponderoid)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2024, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4780 "2024-05-12T19:01:42Z")
. Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown and had to visit the dentist. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2024, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4781 "2024-05-13T14:36:49Z")
### When my girlfriend found out I’d been drunk driving… > …she went through the roof. * * * ### Porno movies are a bad influence. > They advance the idea that it’s easy to get a plumber or an electrician. * * * ### A lot of people dislike Monday. > But 48 hours ago was a sadder day. * * * ### Yesterday I had a nightmare that my TikTok account had been deleted. > For a moment there I really thought I had a TikTok account. * * * ### My classroom teacher made me stand up in front of the class for being a nuisance during the lesson. > She held her pointer stick towards me and said, > “At the end of this stick there is an idiot!” > I got detention after asking “Which end?” ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2024, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4782 "2024-05-13T15:00:17Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### When my girlfriend found out I’d been drunk driving… > > > …she went through the roof. Ruth rode in my convertible In the seat in back of me I hit a bump at 65 And drove on Ruthlessly. ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2024, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4783 "2024-05-13T18:21:24Z")
People scoffed about Trump’s business acumen. Few know he was an honour student at Wharton. “Yes, your honour.” “No, your honour.” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2024, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4784 "2024-05-14T15:28:46Z")
### 28 consonants, 3 vowels, a question mark and 1 comma went to court: > They’re awaiting their sentence. * * * ### Did you hear about the confused question mark? > He couldn’t figure out how he got a period. * * * ### How warm is a baby at birth? > Womb temperature. * * * ### Baby Yoda’s first word… > …probably came after his second word. * * * ### What must you do before entering a cookie eating competition? > Sign a wafer. ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2024, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4785 "2024-05-15T01:43:36Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### How warm is a baby at birth? > > > Womb temperature. No matter what temperature it is in a room, it’s always at room temperature. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2024, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4786 "2024-05-15T13:35:11Z")
### One building where I worked was so tall,… > … I was riding up in the elevator and as we were going past the hundred and third floor I said, “Good Lord!” > And a voice answered, “Yes?” * * * ### Show me a family that has six babies in a row… > …and I’ll show you a bad case of diaper rush. * * * ### When bees migrate, they travel thousands and thousands of miles and, when they arrive, they want to kill. > I’ve had flights like that myself. * * * ### The first real sign of an earthquake in California… > …is when you can go surfing in your bathtub. * * * ### I’ll tell you what kind of an office I work in… > …even the computer has an ulcer. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2024, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4787 "2024-05-15T14:05:02Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### The first real sign of an earthquake in California… > > > …is when you can go surfing in your bathtub. 🎶_My surfboard’s ready for the tidal wave_ _I’m gonna ride down Sunset like a Beach Boy today_ _I only hope I don’t wipe-out in West L.A._ 🎶 ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2024, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4788 "2024-05-16T13:36:34Z")
### An invisible man married an invisible woman. > I don’t know what they saw in each other. Plus, their kids were nothing to look at either. * * * ### What’s the favorite band at the Alzheimer’s home? > The Who? * * * ### What do they call spaghetti with ketchup in Italy? > A felony. * * * ### My brother is dating a girl named Rosemary. > I don’t know what he season her. * * * ### Didja hear the gambling masochist went bankrupt? > He kept yelling, “Hit me!” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2024, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4789 "2024-05-17T14:40:27Z")
### What’s the difference between an automobile tire and 365 used condoms? > One’s a Goodyear, the other’s a great year. * * * ### "How many times do I have to tell you not to leave your food sculpture of Walt Disney out? > It’ll draw mice." * * * ### What happened to Tom Petty’s band after he passed away? > Now they’re just Heartbroken. * * * ### Why was Billy Joel wearing wet clothes? > He didn’t start the dryer. * * * ### How did _Hamlet - The Musical_ do on Broadway? > A hit - a palpable hit. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2024, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4790 "2024-05-17T16:19:56Z")
Definitely wasn’t a hit [![](https://i.ebayimg.com/images/g/oskAAOSwQCVi7dhK/s-l1600.webp) ](https://i.ebayimg.com/images/g/oskAAOSwQCVi7dhK/s-l1600.webp) ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2024, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4791 "2024-05-17T21:29:10Z")
The popularity of yeast is on the rise. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=238) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=240)