# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 240
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2024, 11:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4792 "2024-05-18T11:49:20Z")
### Curiosity killed the cat. > But for a while there I was a suspect. - Steven Wright * * * ### Transsexuals… > …aren’t what they used to be. - Jimmy Carr * * * ### I’m reading “Hints from Heloise,” … > …and she says that if you put an angora sweater in the freezer for an hour, it won’t > shed for the rest of the day. And I’m thinking, “My cat sheds an awful lot.” - Ellen DeGeneres * * * ### Comedy is when you accidentally fall off a cliff and die. > Tragedy is when I have a hangnail. - Mel Brooks * * * ### The two most beautiful words in the English language are: > “Check enclosed.” - Dorothy Parker ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2024, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4793 "2024-05-18T15:48:42Z")
The pollen in Phoenix is so bad that people are turning their meth back into Sudafed. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2024, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4794 "2024-05-18T16:09:40Z")
Stealing. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2024, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4795 "2024-05-18T23:48:15Z")
> [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](#): > > The popularity of yeast is on the rise. Yeast is an amazing organism— it literally pees alcohol. Christ was often turning water into wine, which is pretty amazing, but yeast is close to that Christ-like power— it can turn grape juice into wine. And I’m not sure I want to know how Christ turned water into wine… ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2024, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4796 "2024-05-19T00:42:15Z")
A point which Benjamin Franklin made, that the miracle of water to wine is constantly repeated all around us. Which he took as proof that God loved us and wanted us to be happy. ---
**Author:** ![Ulf\_the\_Unwashed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Ulf\_the\_Unwashed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ulf_the_Unwashed)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2024, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4797 "2024-05-19T00:56:13Z")
I thought that was beer. No? ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2024, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4798 "2024-05-19T02:38:13Z")
He also liked beer, and had several notable quotes in praise of it, too. And he probably would have agreed that beer was also proof of God’s love. But the actual quote is the wine one. > **[7 Things Benjamin Franklin Never Said](https://fi.edu/en/science-and-education/benjamin-franklin/7-things-benjamin-franklin-never-said)** > > Always quick with a bon mot, Benjamin Franklin has been quoted and paraphrased endlessly. The problem? He didn’t say everything that’s been attributed to him. Here are the top misquoted and misattributed Ben Franklin sayings. 1. “A penny saved is a... ---
**Author:** ![Ulf\_the\_Unwashed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Ulf\_the\_Unwashed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ulf_the_Unwashed)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2024, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4799 "2024-05-19T02:40:33Z")
Cool! Ignorance fought! ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2024, 12:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4800 "2024-05-19T12:04:30Z")
### I believe it was Benjamin Franklin who said: > “You have reached the end of your free trial membership at BenjaminFranklinQuotes .com.” * * * ### Is this the right place for politically incorrect jokes? > I have this great one about President Henry Clay. * * * ### Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic? > The Air Force; they’re US AF. * * * ### I’m not a racist, I just believe that… > …the Indy 500 is superior to all other races. * * * ### I saw a rainbow flag covered in seaweed. > AlgaeBTQ. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2024, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4801 "2024-05-19T16:32:33Z")
### There’s no fifth month in my calendar. > I’m dismayed. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2024, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4802 "2024-05-19T23:35:30Z")
What’s the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper? I don’t know. So it was you! Picard: We’re having problems with the computer. Ricker: Have you tried disabling cookies? Picard: Well, I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man. P: I’ve accidently swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. R. Are you going to be alright? P: My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2024, 1:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4803 "2024-05-20T13:18:05Z")
### What do you call a urologist with a TikTok account? > A DikDok. * * * ### I’m going to change my Facebook name to Benefits. > Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits. * * * ### A recent survey indicates Disco is making a comeback. > First I was afraid, I was petrified. * * * ### When I was a kid I sucked at math. > And now I’m dealing with the aftermath. * * * ### There are so many tornadoes in Oklahoma… > …the state bird is lawn furniture. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2024, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4804 "2024-05-20T13:47:15Z")
> [@smithsb](#): > > P: I’ve accidently swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. > R. Are you going to be alright? > > P: My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster. Any word yet on P’s condition? ---
**Author:** ![Dead\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9fc29f/32.png) [@Dead\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dead_Cat)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2024, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4805 "2024-05-20T15:04:31Z")
No, doctors are drawing a blank. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2024, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4806 "2024-05-20T15:18:56Z")
**In 1958 when Nissan wanted to market their export line of cars, they needed a new name for the brand.** They contacted a German marketing firm for advice. Nissan said, ‘Oh, and we need the new name in seven days.’ The German marketing firm said, ‘Dat soon?’ ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2024, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4807 "2024-05-20T16:02:47Z")
They’re trying to find an [A & E](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emergency_department), ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2024, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4808 "2024-05-20T16:46:30Z")
I heard he just threw up and some tiles got lodged in his sinus passages, so they need to find an [ENT](https://www.webmd.com/cold-and-flu/ear-infection/otolaryngologist-ear-throat). ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2024, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4809 "2024-05-20T18:18:08Z")
It’s all fun and games until someone loses an I. ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2024, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4810 "2024-05-20T18:49:40Z")
He just needs a good vowel movement. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2024, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4811 "2024-05-21T00:25:44Z")
They’ve tried everything from A to Z. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=239) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=241)