# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 241
**Author:** ![KarlGauss](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/karlgauss/32/3713_2.png) [@KarlGauss](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KarlGauss)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2024, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4812 "2024-05-21T02:51:51Z")
> [@Gyrate](#): > > It’s all fun and games until someone loses an I. That’s consonant with my experience too. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2024, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4813 "2024-05-21T03:04:02Z")
> [@KarlGauss](#): > > That’s consonant with my experience too I C what you did there… ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2024, 10:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4814 "2024-05-21T10:36:33Z")
He’s going to be sitting on that toilet for a spell. mmm ---
**Author:** ![The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_other_waldo_pepper/32/12370_2.png) [@The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Other_Waldo_Pepper)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2024, 11:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4815 "2024-05-21T11:52:42Z")
I just hope he’s not the type to reuse bathroom tiles. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2024, 1:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4816 "2024-05-21T13:03:17Z")
### Playing Scrabble is like talking to women… > You spend the whole time looking at the rack trying to form words. * * * ### I haven’t kept up my subscription to Scrabble Club. > Now they’re sending me threatening letters. * * * ### I once put a Scrabble tile into a Nerf gun and shot it at my friend, killing him instantly. > It was an accident though; I thought it was a blank. * * * ### Apparently, many think that stating letters and their Scrabble values is a good idea… > …I for one agree. * * * ### Where do Viking warrior Scrabble champions go when they die? > Vowel-halla. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2024, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4817 "2024-05-21T13:55:59Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### I’m reading “Hints from Heloise,” … > > > …and she says that if you put an angora sweater in the freezer for an hour, it won’t > > shed for the rest of the day. And I’m thinking, “My cat sheds an awful lot.” > > - Ellen DeGeneres I’m so old, I remember when Ellen DeGeneres was funny. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2024, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4818 "2024-05-21T14:05:46Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Playing Scrabble is like talking to women… > > > You spend the whole time looking at the rack trying to form words. “Hey, my I’s are up here, mister!” ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2024, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4819 "2024-05-21T20:39:21Z")
Sorry. Was distracted by the double letter score. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2024, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4820 "2024-05-22T13:44:42Z")
### I have no respect for gangs today. None. They just drive by and shoot people. > At least in the old days, like in West Side Story, the gangs used to dance with each other first. - Robert G. Lee * * * ### What the hell is wrong with these white kids shooting up the schools? > Soon you’re gonna have little white kids saying, “I want to go to a black school, where it’s safe.” - Chris Rock * * * ### The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. > The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up. - Jay Leno * * * ### I don’t get no respect. > A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home. - Rodney Dangerfield * * * ### I’m dating the pope. > But I’m just using him to get to God. - Judy Tenuta ---
**Author:** ![Dogginit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dogginit/32/16920_2.png) [@Dogginit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogginit)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2024, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4821 "2024-05-22T13:48:47Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### I have no respect for gangs today. None. They just drive by and shoot people. > > > At least in the old days, like in West Side Story, the gangs used to dance with each other first. > > - Robert G. Lee I grew up in a tough neighborhood. We didn’t shoot people, we inserted the bullets manually. ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2024, 1:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4822 "2024-05-22T13:53:10Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > > A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home. > > - Rodney Dangerfield This is one of my favorite jokes of all time. Short and perfect. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2024, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4823 "2024-05-22T14:37:42Z")
_More Rodney Dangerfield:_ “What a doctor I’ve got—he’s really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then he hit me in the balls with a hammer.” “I told my psychiatrist, “Doc, I keep thinking I’m a dog.” He told me to get off his couch.” “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” “I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn’t met me yet.” “When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.” “With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.” “I told my doctor I want to get a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.” ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2024, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4824 "2024-05-22T14:38:03Z")
> [@Dogginit](#): > > I grew up in a tough neighborhood. We didn’t shoot people, we inserted the bullets manually. **I knew a bar that was so rough, that they’d frisk you for guns when you came in the door.** If you were unarmed, they’d loan you one. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2024, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4825 "2024-05-23T13:45:45Z")
### You know you’re hungover… > …when you brush your teeth with your sunglasses on. - Anna Kendricks * * * ### There is a new survey out about the happiest professions. > I think the whole premise is flawed. You’re supposed to find true happiness outside of work — from friends, family and YouTube videos of old people falling > down. - Craig Ferguson * * * ### My whole family is lactose intolerant. > When we all take a picture we can’t say “Cheese”. - Jay London * * * ### I’ve done a comedy gig in a prison before. > A guy got up ten minutes into my set and went back to his cell. That’s a heckle. - Kevin Bridges * * * ### I hate the way Hollywood always changes everything. > For instance, _Twister_ the movie is nothing like the board game. - Tony Cowards ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2024, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4826 "2024-05-24T01:11:32Z")
**How can you tell if a Scotsman is from a certain clan?** Look under his kilt. If he has a Quarter-Pounder, he’s a McDonald. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2024, 12:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4827 "2024-05-24T12:50:20Z")
### My boss is so cheap. > When a worker is here for twenty-five years, the company gives him a testimonial coffee break. * * * ### His wife had a catered affair. > She carried on with the guy from the delicatessen. * * * ### I believe in exercise. > I may not jog or play tennis, but I’m a very brisk eater. * * * ### I went to a chic eye doctor. > She gave me a prescription for wire-rimmed contact lenses. * * * ### I went to the race track the other day. > My horse would have won, but he kept looking back for his plow. That horse was so slow it ran faster when it became glue. * * * ### A surgeon told a patient, “I have bad news and good news for you. > The bad news is—I slipped during your prostate operation and cut off your testicles by mistake. The good news is—they weren’t malignant!" ---
**Author:** ![Hari\_Seldon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hari_seldon/32/5173_2.png) [@Hari\_Seldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hari_Seldon)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2024, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4828 "2024-05-25T00:11:08Z")
On Melinda and Bill Gates’s wedding night, Melinda learned how he got the name of his company. ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2024, 12:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4829 "2024-05-25T12:03:37Z")
Good one! Surprised I hadn’t though of (nor seen) that one before today. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2024, 12:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4830 "2024-05-25T12:18:50Z")
### A pizza delivery driver pulls up next to an ambulance… > …and motions for the paramedic to roll down their window. > “You know, we have pretty much the same job” says the delivery driver. > “Yeah, and how’s that?” > “We both try to deliver them warm.” * * * ### I know something you’re bound to enjoy. > Bondage. * * * ### I didn’t get the job > I suspect that it’s because I was pitchy when my interviewers asked me if I could perform under pressure. * * * ### If it takes .5 seconds on the fore-swing and .3 seconds on the backswing, how many time in a minute can you hit a gorilla with a baseball bat? Once. * * * ### A Redneck bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to “a typical Redneck baby boy weighing 20 pounds.” > Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of “Wow!” were heard. A woman fainted due to sympathy pains. > Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. > The bartender said, “Say, you’re the proud father of an amazing Redneck baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?” > The proud father answered, “Fifteen pounds.” > The bartender was puzzled. “Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth?” > The father drank the bottle of whisky at one go, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said, “Had him circumcised.” ---
**Author:** ![bob\_2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bob_2/32/3341_2.png) [@bob\_2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bob_2)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2024, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4831 "2024-05-26T16:38:38Z")
> [@solost](#): > > Any word yet on P’s condition? He swallowed a bunch of "E"s and now doesn’t care. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=240) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=242)