# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 243
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2024, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4852 "2024-06-03T22:06:40Z")
I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn’t work. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2024, 12:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4853 "2024-06-04T12:25:07Z")
### The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year-old Himalayan rock salt bed. > The label says the expiry date is June 2024. > I’m so glad they dug it up just in time. * * * ### A group of hard of hearing people are protesting > “What do we want?” > “Hearing aids!” > “When do we want it?” > “Hearing aids!” * * * ### Have you ever tried Turkish food? > You oughtta man! * * * ### What did the conductor do when half of the cello section called in sick a week before a major concert? > He was forced to resort to excessive violins. * * * ### There are four stages of old age: > You forget names. > Then you forget faces. > Next, you forget to zip up. > And finally, you forget to zip down. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2024, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4854 "2024-06-04T15:39:19Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### There are four stages of old age: > > > You forget names. > > Then you forget faces. > > Next, you forget to zip up. > > And finally, you forget to zip down. Final stage: [you get zipped up](https://www.fishersci.com/shop/products/heavy-duty-body-bag-center-zipper-handles/22444358). ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2024, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4855 "2024-06-05T13:25:25Z")
### At the photographer’s studio: > Shutterbug: First we’ll shoot you, then we’ll blow you up,then you can go home and hang yourself. * * * ### George: Our new neighbor’s getting to be a real pest. > Martha: Didn’t you lend him your rake? > George: Yes, but he just came back for mower. * * * ### Real estate broker. I tell you this new house has no flaws at all. > Buyer: Then what do y’all walk on? * * * ### Thelma: What did Miss Muffet say when the spider asked her for a date? > Selma: Ha! No whey! * * * ### Patient: Doc, you’ve cured me! I used to think I was a golden retriever, but you set me straight. > Psychiatrist: I’m glad to hear you’re feeling better. > Patient: I sure am, Doc. Just feel my nose! ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2024, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4856 "2024-06-06T18:02:52Z")
### My doctor told me I’m a hypochondriac… > …but that I shouldn’t worry about it. * * * ### In Kansas City, a 70 year old man robbed a bank because he preferred incarceration to living with his wife of 50 years. > Sad part is that she indicated that she would visit him every single day. * * * ### The greatest act of cooperation in human history… > …is that 1000 islands could all agree on a single salad dressing. * * * ### I wanted to get a vasectomy but I didn’t have a lot of money. > My doctor cut me a great deal. * * * ### Why is Jesus so popular? > Because he is rizzin’! ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2024, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4857 "2024-06-06T18:18:51Z")
**What’s white and streaks across the sky?** The coming of the Lord. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2024, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4858 "2024-06-07T15:19:21Z")
### What does Harry Potter say at the gas pump? > Expensive petroleum! * * * ### I taught English in Germany. > The first day I taught them everything beginning with A. > The second day I taught them everything beginning with B. > D Day was a bit tricky. * * * ### Where do you keep lollipops? > The licker cabinet. * * * ### What do call it when your child teaches you something about the environment? > Instant Greta-fication. * * * ### What do they call a joke thats very unique and nothing like anyone has seen before? > Reposted. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2024, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4859 "2024-06-08T02:34:36Z")
A musical version of **Titanic** is in the works; yeah, that should go down well. ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2024, 4:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4860 "2024-06-08T04:02:19Z")
Ouch! Bad pun. And now I have that song stuck in my head. Oh, it was sad (so sad) Oh, it was sad (too bad) Oh it was sad when the gre-at ship went down (to the bo-ot-tom). . . ---
**Author:** ![Karen\_Lingel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/karen_lingel/32/18649_2.png) [@Karen\_Lingel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Karen_Lingel)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2024, 5:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4861 "2024-06-08T05:10:01Z")
There was actually a Titanic musical. I saw it, and it wasn’t very good. > **[Titanic (musical)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Titanic_(musical))** > > Titanic is a musical with music and lyrics by Maury Yeston and a book by Peter Stone. It is based on the story of the RMS Titanic which sank on its maiden voyage on April 15, 1912. > The musical opened on Broadway on April 23, 1997, in a production directed by Richard Jones; it won five Tony Awards, including Best Musical, and ran for 804 performances. It is not related to the 1997 film of the same name. > > In 1985, the wreckage of the RMS Titanic was discovered about 370 miles (600 km) south-sou... ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2024, 5:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4862 "2024-06-08T05:22:29Z")
The song in my head is one that I heard at camp and never learned all of the words to. It was irreverent. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2024, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4863 "2024-06-08T15:30:56Z")
### Back when I played hockey, they used to call me “the Titanic.” > I looked pretty good until I hit the ice. * * * ### Titanic jokes aren’t funny anymore. They’re so old and outdated. > That ship has sailed a long time ago. * * * ### During the summer a local police station developed a mosquito problem. > They deployed the swat team. * * * ### Dad walks into strip club: > Dad: “Twerking hard or hardly twerking?” * * * # Paraprosdokians a figure of speech) in which the latter part of a sentence, phrase, or larger discourse is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing ananticlimax - Where there’s a will, I want to be in it. - The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list. - Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak. - If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong. - We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. - War does not determine who is right - only who is left. - Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. - I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. - In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, Notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR’. - Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. - You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. - I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure. - To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. - Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. - You’re never too old to learn something stupid. ---
**Author:** ![Railer13](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/railer13/32/9742_2.png) [@Railer13](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Railer13)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2024, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4864 "2024-06-08T15:49:44Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. Philosophy is wondering if ketchup is a smoothie. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2024, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4865 "2024-06-09T13:47:44Z")
### Death should not be seen as the end, > …but as a very effective way to cut down expenses. - Woody Allen * * * ### I don’t get no respect. I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. > He told me to wear a brown necktie. - Rodney Dangerfield * * * ### I’ve been on every diet in the world. > I’ve been on Slim-Fast, yeah. For breakfast you have a shake. For lunch, you have a shake. For dinner you kill anyone with food on their plate. - Rosie O’Donnell * * * ### I try too hard to be politically correct. > Whenever I fill out an application for a credit card, under marital status, I write > “pre-owned.” - Fran Chernowsky * * * ### My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. > We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2024, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4866 "2024-06-09T15:29:16Z")
If I had been told as a kid in the 1960s that robots would call my house several time a day, I would have thought it was ‘really neat’. Now that robots ARE calling my house several times a day, I find it really annoying. Me: “I’m addicted to buying old Beatles records.” Friend: “Sounds like you need help.” Me: “No, I already have that one.” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2024, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4867 "2024-06-10T14:30:53Z")
### I asked my wife, “Did you know Old MacDonald was replaced by artificial intelligence?” > “A I ?” > “A I .” > “Oh.” * * * ### I just found out my father had trained to be a mime for eleven years. > He sure kept that quiet. * * * ### My watch just made a grinding sound. > I think I’m down a quartz. * * * ### Chuck Norris once attended a feminist rally. > He came back with his shirt ironed and holding a sandwich. * * * ### One year I had been naughty and Santa left me coal. > So I poisoned his cookies. But the sneaky bastard found out and killed my dad. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2024, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4868 "2024-06-10T15:27:07Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### One year I had been naughty and Santa left me coal. > > > So I poisoned his cookies. But the sneaky bastard found out and killed my dad. Yeah, Santa’s a bastard. You don’t want to know what I saw him doing with my mom once. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2024, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4869 "2024-06-10T15:31:31Z")
Between the two of you, are you sure it’s Santa who’s the bastard? ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2024, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4870 "2024-06-10T15:34:57Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > are you sure it’s Santa who’s the bastard? Well, it’s not like I was _trying_ to spy on them-- they were doing it right underneath the mistletoe. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2024, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4871 "2024-06-10T15:47:43Z")
> [@solost](#): > > You don’t want to know what I saw him doing with my mom once. Did she say it was because of menopause? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=242) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=244)