# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 245
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2024, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4892 "2024-06-14T20:03:06Z")
nm up yours Discourse ---
**Author:** ![thorny\_locust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thorny_locust/32/431_2.png) [@thorny\_locust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thorny_locust)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2024, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4893 "2024-06-14T22:52:28Z")
> [@Johnny\_L.A](#): > > _Beside_ potatoes, corn, and wheat, giving us booze and chips and corn dogs, what have the vegetables ever done for _us?_ Kept us alive? ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2024, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4894 "2024-06-14T23:04:51Z")
I was going for a _Life Of Brian_ riff. ---
**Author:** ![thorny\_locust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thorny_locust/32/431_2.png) [@thorny\_locust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thorny_locust)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2024, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4895 "2024-06-15T00:41:36Z")
Ah. I am often clueless about such things. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2024, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4896 "2024-06-15T00:43:19Z")
> [@Johnny\_L.A](#): > > I was going for a _Life Of Brian_ riff. I got it. 😄 ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2024, 12:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4897 "2024-06-15T12:16:26Z")
I thought at first @thorny_locust was just doing the riff with you. “OK, _Besides_ potatoes, corn, and wheat and other vegetables giving us booze and chips and corn dogs, and keeping us alive, what have the vegetables ever done for _us?_” ---
**Author:** ![pjd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pjd/32/3009_2.png) [@pjd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pjd)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2024, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4898 "2024-06-15T14:27:44Z")
How about musical vegetables ? [![](https://img.youtube.com/vi/KyiGh5Kfcik/maxresdefault.jpg "How To Make Vegetables Into Instruments") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KyiGh5Kfcik&t=139) ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2024, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4899 "2024-06-15T14:49:59Z")
Which leads us to: [Veggie Tales parody titles we will never see](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/veggie-tales-parody-titles-we-will-never-see/1002731) ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2024, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4900 "2024-06-15T14:57:34Z")
### The girl that I fancy only knows her alphabet from N to Z. > She doesn’t know that I exists. * * * ### Searching for a book in his library, Napoleon finally found it on the top shelf, just out of his reach. > “Permit me, sire,” said Marshall Mouncey, stepping forward. “I am higher than your Majesty.” > “No,” replied Napoleon, “you’re only longer.” * * * ### I say, I say, why do witches go to the circus? > To see the acro-bats. * * * ### I have a son who needs orthodonture, his tonsils taken out, glasses, and orthopedic shoes. > It’s like I told my wife, “This is the last kid we take ‘as is’!” * * * ### I didn’t really do well in school. > I even had to take remedial sandbox. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2024, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4901 "2024-06-15T15:04:28Z")
Dragging this over from the 2024 NBA playoff thread for those that don’t follow courtesy of @ekedolphin Burdened with Glorious Purpose “Jerry West apparently decided he’d rather die than watch the Celtics win another championship. You’ve gotta respect that.” (West who recently died was an All-Star player with the Los Angeles Lakers who lost many a championship to the Celtics. He was also a star coach, General Manager, Commentator for the Lakers then the Miami Heat. Also credited with being the figure in the NBA Logo.) ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2024, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4902 "2024-06-16T02:45:47Z")
“I was born a male, identify as a male; but according to Stouffer’s Lasagne, I am a family of four.” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2024, 1:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4903 "2024-06-16T13:16:29Z")
### How does Kylo Ren celebrate Father’s Day? > Solo. * * * ### God says to Jesus, “You remembered it’s Father’s Day?” > Jesus says “What am I supposed to get someone who has everything?!” > _God turns & winks at camera_ > “Omnipresents.” * * * ### What did Dad say when he got a universal remote for Father’s Day? > This changes everything! * * * ### When is Father’s Day ? > Nine months after Father’s Night. * * * ### When does a joke become a dad joke? > When the punchline becomes apparent. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2024, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4904 "2024-06-16T13:22:25Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### When is Father’s Day ? > > > Nine months after Father’s Night. When is _Mother’s_ Day? 😉 (That’s the way I heard it.) ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2024, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4905 "2024-06-16T13:32:07Z")
I have a pretty good Father’s Day joke. Can’t wait to tell it to my dad when he finally comes home with the milk. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2024, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4906 "2024-06-17T13:50:48Z")
### My dad was the town drunk. > A lot of times that’s not that bad, but New York City? - Henny Youngman * * * ### The problem with the designated driver program is it’s not a desirable job. > But if you ever get suckered into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. - Jeff Foxworthy * * * ### I had to stop driving my car for awhile. > The tires got dizzy. - Steven Wright * * * ### While I was going for a bus ride, the little boy in the seat ahead of me turned around and made faces at me. > At first it was cute, then it was boring, and finally annoying. So I said, "My mom always told me if you make ugly faces like that your face will freeze and you’ll stay like that. > The little shit replied, “Well, you can’t say you weren’t warned.” * * * ### I’m not working out. My philosophy is, “No pain, no pain.” - Carol Leifer ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2024, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4907 "2024-06-17T14:16:14Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > The problem with the designated driver program is it’s not a desirable job. Or you could be the designated decoy. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2024, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4908 "2024-06-18T14:21:54Z")
### I say, I say, did you hear Vin Diesel’s become an environmentalist? > He’s Vin Electric now. * * * ### Why is it that milk is the fastest thing in the world? > It’s pasteurized before you ever see it. * * * ### Who is the worst person you can ask for advice on gift giving to your girlfriend? > Her husband. * * * ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2024, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4909 "2024-06-18T15:44:38Z")
### Why are flags the most erotic of cloths? > Because when the wind blows, they do pole dances. * * * ### I didn’t learn about turtles as school. > They never tortoise. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2024, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4910 "2024-06-18T23:57:08Z")
Me: “Man, I NEED a drink. I was almost rear ended coming over here. He was this close (holds up fingers touching).” Buddy with a few drinks in already: "You know you’re always exaggerating 🙄 “How close was he?” Me: “The FASTEN REAR SEAT BELTS light came on.” ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2024, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4911 "2024-06-19T13:30:37Z")
The midwest heat dome is making it unusually hot all week long here in Michigan. How hot is it? It’s _ **so** _ hot… …chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs. …dairy farmers are getting evaporated milk from their cows. …I saw a funeral procession stop at a Dairy Queen. …I poured McDonald’s coffee on my lap to cool down. …the ice cream man had to change his truck sign to just ‘cream’. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=244) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=246)