# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 248
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2024, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4952 "2024-06-27T13:37:00Z")
**A father is having a heart-to-heart talk with his young son, who is crying and very distraught.** “Look son, the breakup isn’t your fault at all. It’s nobody’s fault, really; sometimes, even when two people love each other very much, they still can’t make things work; they need to split up, and go live in different places. When you’re a grownup, you’ll understand. Now, do you feel better?” The youngster, though still crying, tentatively nods his head ‘yes’. “Great! Now go get inside the orphanage-- they expected you to show up 10 minutes ago.” ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2024, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4953 "2024-06-27T14:17:47Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > You go there when you wanna screw, nut, and bolt. I saw a Monteith and Rand show on one of the Showtime in the '80s. One of the skits was a musical bit where Suzanne Rand relates going to the hardware store. I don’t remember the exact words, but it went something like this. 🎶 _I went down to the hardware store for to buy a hinge._ _The salesman said, ‘Do you want a screw for your hinge?’_ _No, I don’t wanna screw for my hinge,_ _But I’ll blow you for the toaster in the corner._🎶 The skit is probably/possibly in [this video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMScjHmZlXA), but I don’t have an hour and forty minutes to look for it. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2024, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4954 "2024-06-28T12:59:55Z")
### What’s the difference between an argument in kindergarten and the presidential debate? > About 70 years. * * * ### Who won the presidential debate last night? > People who didn’t watch. * * * ### A pencil and a scissors are having a debate. > Everytime the pencil make a good point, the scissors get a little snippy. * * * ### I’ve always wondered why lemonade is made from artificial flavors… > …and furniture polish is made from real lemons ? * * * ### A woman agreed to go out with me because I gave her a bottle of lemonade > That’s right, I Schwepped her off her feet. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2024, 1:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4955 "2024-06-28T13:04:02Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Who won the presidential debate last night? > > > People who didn’t watch. Ain’t that the truth ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2024, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4956 "2024-06-29T02:10:40Z")
According to my son, the winner is the Voyager I spacecraft, which is 163.939 AU from the sun and receding at 3.572 AU/year. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2024, 5:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4957 "2024-06-29T05:25:40Z")
So, roughly 38,000 mph. ---
**Author:** ![dtilque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d6d6ee/32.png) [@dtilque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dtilque)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2024, 5:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4958 "2024-06-29T05:35:28Z")
> [@Yllaria](#): > > According to my son, the winner is the Voyager I spacecraft, which is 163.939 AU from the sun and receding at 3.572 AU/year. Why is this posted to the Jokes thread? ---
**Author:** ![pjd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pjd/32/3009_2.png) [@pjd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pjd)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2024, 9:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4959 "2024-06-29T09:23:47Z")
It’s a reply to the “Who won the presidential debate last night?” question. ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2024, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4960 "2024-06-29T17:18:57Z")
An alternative answer to the question - - > [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Who won the presidential debate last night? > > > People who didn’t watch. ---
**Author:** ![dtilque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d6d6ee/32.png) [@dtilque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dtilque)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2024, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4961 "2024-06-29T17:22:45Z")
That wasn’t obvious. It looked like a post made to the wrong thread. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2024, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4962 "2024-06-29T17:44:47Z")
Not to be confused with the author of hard-boiled detective novels, the author of textbooks: Mickey X. Spillane ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2024, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4963 "2024-06-29T21:26:37Z")
### Many people in the US don’t work on the 4th of July. > Fire works on the 4th of July, though. * * * ### Little known fact, Moses had a motorcycle. > It literally says so in the Bible: > “And lo, the roar of Moses’ Triumph was heard throughout Israel” * * * ### Too many authors to cite? > No problem et al. * * * ### Why is Mickey Mouse’s helicopter of no use in Scotland? Disneyland. * * * ### A good mom let’s you lick the batter off the mixer. > A great mom turns off the mixer first. ---
**Author:** ![pjd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pjd/32/3009_2.png) [@pjd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pjd)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2024, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4964 "2024-06-29T22:06:16Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Why is Mickey Mouse’s helicopter of no use in Scotland? > > Disneyland. What’s the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney ? Bing sings, but Walt Disney. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2024, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4965 "2024-06-30T14:03:55Z")
### I can’t stop taking blurry pics of myself in the shower. > It must be selfie steam issues. * * * ### My wife is leaving me because I tell too many Star Wars puns. > Divorce is strong with this one. * * * ### I’ve decided to start dating women over 70. > Time to try a new wrinkle. * * * ### My dad told me, “Try and find a girl with a horrible tattoo to marry you.” > “Uh, why is that, Dad?” > “Because even when she makes a terrible decision, she sticks with it.” * * * ### Is there rehab for gossiping? I don’t need it, but let me tell you about my friend… ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2024, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4966 "2024-06-30T19:57:04Z")
I have a pencil that was once owned by William Shakespeare. Unfortunately he chewed on it a lot. Now I can’t tell if it was 2B or not 2B. “Justice is a dish best served cold.” “Why?” “If it were served warm, it would be justwater.” I thought my wife was just joking when she said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop singing, “l’m a believer”… then I saw her face. As Pooh Bear readied to beam down, he realized he was wearing a red shirt. I’m taking a leave of absence. I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory. I’ll beheading there shortly. I was once in a band called Hinges. We opened for the Doors. I ate a kids meal at McDonald’s today. His parents weren’t too happy about it. “I realize everyone is fed up with my dad jokes. How can I stop my addiction?” “By whatever means necessary.” “No it doesn’t.” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2024, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4967 "2024-07-01T16:07:50Z")
### Why didn’t music students get to learn theory in 2009? > Because 2008 the music. * * * ### How many musicians does it take to paper a room? > Three, if you slice them thin enough. * * * ### What’s the definition of “half step”? > Two oboes playing in unison. * * * ### Cobra: > a brassiere for Siamese twins. * * * ### A patient was told by his doctor that an intricate and costly operation was mandatory. > “You needn’t worry about the cost,” soothed the doctor. “Just pay me two thousand dollars down and five hundred a month for the next three years.” > “Sounds like buying a car,” commented the patient. > “You’re right,” the doctor assured him. “I am.” ---
**Author:** ![Ignatz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/3be4f8/32.png) [@Ignatz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ignatz)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2024, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4968 "2024-07-01T22:26:54Z")
coffee - one who was coughed upon ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2024, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4969 "2024-07-02T13:29:57Z")
### “Honey, I have terrible insomnia.” > “Go to sleep, it won’t bother you.” * * * ### She comes from a real wild family. > Her family Bible has only six commandments, and two of those are just requests! * * * ### I feel like a tap dancer in the canoe of life! * * * ### Money can’t buy happiness… > … but neither can poverty. * * * ### She’s so lonesome… > …her answering machine died of rust. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2024, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4970 "2024-07-02T15:08:58Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > …her answering machine died of rust. [Alan Rickman’s answering machine](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDTBiEOoslc) ---
**Author:** ![Civil\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d78d45/32.png) [@Civil\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Civil_Guy)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2024, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/4971 "2024-07-02T17:19:28Z")
Money can’t buy happiness, but it can rent a lot of it. (_Money can’t buy happiness_ - almost a thread of its own.) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=247) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=249)