# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 256
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2024, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5112 "2024-08-09T01:08:28Z")
Huh? (Trapeze act.) ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2024, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5113 "2024-08-09T02:05:50Z")
Thanks for asking @Johnny_L.A [You mad bro?](https://amp.knowyourmeme.com/memes/u-mad) was originally a good-faith question if someone seemed steamed about something, in the early days of the internet when communication wasn’t clearly understood. Of course it morphed into a response to someone blowing their stack online, similar to “don’t sugarcoat it, tell us how you really feel.” ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2024, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5114 "2024-08-09T02:13:37Z")
So how does it relate to an Emir and a Caliph? ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2024, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5115 "2024-08-09T02:20:38Z")
[![](https://img.youtube.com/vi/1FYwv33xdFA/maxresdefault.jpg "How to Pronounce Umayyad") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1FYwv33xdFA) ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2024, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5116 "2024-08-09T02:47:45Z")
No help. Does Umayyad have a meaning in Arabic? Or is there something about ‘You may add’ an Emir and a Caliph? Something about a person in command vs. Mohammed’s successors? You’re going to have to explain it. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2024, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5117 "2024-08-09T03:04:25Z")
[The second dynasty of the caliphate](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Umayyad_Caliphate) Bear in mind: some jokes are based in cleverness, others in their sheer stupidity. Others still on outrageousness. One that hit all three was the response to Dick Cheney’s claim that Saddam Hussein had sought yellowcake uranium base from Niger: “_Niger please?_ ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2024, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5118 "2024-08-09T03:07:56Z")
> [@Slithy\_Tove](#): > > “_Niger please?_ This is obvious. > [@Slithy\_Tove](#): > > Bear in mind: some jokes are based in cleverness, others in their sheer stupidity. Others still on outrageousness. And a fourth criterion: Knowledge of obscure history. Without reading an entire article on history, and how an Emir relates to a Caliph in the context of the pun, it’s beyond me. Sorry, I just don’t see a joke there. I mean, I’d _like_ to know why it’s funny; but I need a diagram. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2024, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5119 "2024-08-09T03:11:05Z")
_I_ thought it was funny. But then, I have a minor in this stuff. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2024, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5120 "2024-08-09T03:11:15Z")
@Johnny_L.A in all fairness, there’s no helicopter joke you could make that wouldn’t go over my head. (Unless it’s about one you’re operating 😀) ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2024, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5121 "2024-08-09T03:13:48Z")
I don’t have any helicopter jokes. Unless you count the time I took a friend up and he stuck his leg out the door. Over the collective. While I was taking off. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2024, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5122 "2024-08-09T03:17:45Z")
> [@silenus](#): > > _I_ thought it was funny. But then, I have a minor in this stuff. What did the last Ptolemaic Egyptian say when the Khedivian Egyptian asked her if she had a match? “Your fez and my asp” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2024, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5123 "2024-08-09T13:43:58Z")
### A helicopter loses power over a remote Scottish island and makes an emergency landing. Luckily, there’s a cottage nearby, so the pilot knocks on the door. “Is there a mechanic in the area?” he asks the woman who answers. She thinks for a minute. “No, but we do have a McArdle and a McKay.” * * * ### Without Arabians, 9/11 wouldn’t exist. It would be IX/XI instead. * * * ### So a man walks into a costume party, with a large semicircle around half his body, and strings across it. A woman walks up to him, and this conversation unfolds. Woman: what are you wearing? Man : I’m a harp of course Woman: but your costume is too small to be a harp. Man: are you…calling me a lyre?! * * * ### List of 10 worst dog breeds: 1. There 2. Are 3. No 4. Bad 5. Dog 6. Breeds 7. Only 8. Bad 9. Owners 10. Chihuahuas * * * ### What do you call Musical Chairs with toilets? Game of Thrones. ---
**Author:** ![K364](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/k364/32/5_2.png) [@K364](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/K364)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2024, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5124 "2024-08-09T14:26:44Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > Chihuahuas You misspelled Dachshunds ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2024, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5125 "2024-08-10T17:08:57Z")
### Mrs. Dewitt: My son drives like lightning. Mrs. Johnson: You mean he drives fast? Mrs. Dewitt: No, he strikes trees. * * * ### Suzie: My brother’s hobby is collecting fleas. Mrs. Johnson: And how do you spend your time? Suzie: Scratching. * * * ### Willard: I got a nearly new BMW for my wife. Mr. Johnson: Oh, I wish I could get a deal like that. * * * ### Mrs. Johnson: I do wish I could get some time away from the children. Mrs. Olivier: I have five children, and can be alone anytime I want. Mrs. Johnson: How do you manage that? Mrs. Olivier: I just start washing the dishes. * * * ### Mr. Olivier: I hear your mother-in-law is a real angel. Mr. Johnson: Yeah. Always harping. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2024, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5126 "2024-08-11T15:16:58Z")
# From Alan King: ### It is said that most really great violinists of the last century are and were Jéws. There are, however, very few Jews among the greatest pianists. Why do you suppose this is the case? Have you ever tried to make your escape with a piano? * * * ### When an Orthodox Jew talks to God, he says “Riboynoy-shel-oylom” (Master of the World). When a Conservative Jew is in touch with God, he calls Him “Avinu Malkeinu” (Our Father, Our King). A Reform Jew addresses God as “Oh Lord, Thou art One.” A Reconstructionist says “To whom it may concern.” * * * ### A worried woman asked her rabbi, “Am I permitted to ride in an airplane on Shabbos?” “Yes,” the rabbi replied, “as long as your seat belt remains fastened. Then it is considered that you are wearing the plane.” * * * ### A short history of every Jewish holiday: “They tried to kill us. We won. Let’s eat.” * * * ### Why is it so important for the groom at a Jewish wedding to stomp on a wineglass? Because it’s the last time he’ll put his foot down. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2024, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5127 "2024-08-12T15:24:58Z")
### Other than “It’s okay.”, “I don’t want anything for my birthday.”, and “Notice anything different about me?” What other death threats do women use against men? * * * ### A friend of mine traded in his car for a phone. Now he’s got Nokia. * * * ### What does Olympic breakdancing have in common with Steve Irwin? Both of them were killed by an Australian Ray. * * * ### “Is this homosexuality or necrophilia?”, …Tom asked in dead earnest. * * * ### Confucius say: “Wife not part of the furniture until screwed on bed.” ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2024, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5128 "2024-08-12T18:53:18Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > “Notice anything different about me?” A phrase that has struck fear into the heart of every man who’s ever been in a relationship. It’s not enough to simply guess correctly-- if your answer is phrased in the form of a question, if it has even the mere hint of uncertainty to it, you will still be in big trouble. ---
**Author:** ![Dogginit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dogginit/32/16920_2.png) [@Dogginit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogginit)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2024, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5129 "2024-08-12T19:06:45Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > What other death threats do women use against men? Don’t forget the classic, “Do whatever you want.” ---
**Author:** ![Railer13](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/railer13/32/9742_2.png) [@Railer13](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Railer13)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2024, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5130 "2024-08-12T19:18:43Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### “Is this homosexuality or necrophilia?”, > > …Tom asked in dead earnest. This is…cold… ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2024, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5131 "2024-08-12T19:30:44Z")
‘Necrophilia means never having to say Goodbye.’ (Maybe someone could take the [characters](https://www.google.com/search?q=%22love+is%22+%22kim+casali%22&client=safari&sca_esv=03c2802def3a1699&sca_upv=1&rls=en&udm=2&biw=1333&bih=800&ei=MGK6ZqbiL4iw0PEPvO6BqAs&ved=0ahUKEwimupPml_CHAxUIGDQIHTx3ALUQ4dUDCBA&uact=5&oq=%22love+is%22+%22kim+casali%22&gs_lp=Egxnd3Mtd2l6LXNlcnAiFiJsb3ZlIGlzIiAia2ltIGNhc2FsaSIyBRAAGIAEMgUQABiABDIFEAAYgAQyBBAAGB4yBhAAGAUYHkj9I1D1A1ieIXABeACQAQCYAWmgAf4IqgEDOC40uAEDyAEA-AEBmAIMoALECcICCBAAGIAEGLEDwgIEEAAYA8ICCxAAGIAEGLEDGIMBwgIJEAAYgAQYGBgKwgIHEAAYgAQYGJgDAIgGAZIHAzMuOaAH2iw&sclient=gws-wiz-serp) and make an image with that caption.) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=255) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=257)