# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 258
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2024, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5152 "2024-08-16T15:45:53Z")
### What does a nerd say on a hot day? “Man, I wish I was cool.” * * * ### How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. That’s a hardware problem. * * * ### What is a glass of water with one tooth in it called? One molar solution. * * * ### Why couldn’t number 4 get into the nightclub? He was two squared. * * * ### What is an extraterrestrial’s favorite place on a computer? The space bar. ---
**Author:** ![dtilque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d6d6ee/32.png) [@dtilque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dtilque)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2024, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5153 "2024-08-16T16:37:57Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? > > None. That’s a hardware problem. I posted this one way upthread somewhere. Along with its collerary: **How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?** None. We’ll fix it in software. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2024, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5154 "2024-08-17T16:11:31Z")
### The newest big disruption: Comedians are getting more and more competition from Politicians. * * * ### A doctor was examining his newest patient As testing went on, the doctor said “I’m not quite certain what’s wrong with you yet, but I think it may be the result of heavy drinking.” So the patient said “That’s all right, Doc - I’ll just come back when you’re sober!” * * * ### Terry Wingdings was the newest recruit at the police academy. Look out world, there’s a new serif in town. * * * ### My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes. He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn’t give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather’s hen tie collection. * * * ### The newest form of birth control is putting a rock in one shoe… …It makes you limp. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2024, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5155 "2024-08-18T14:50:58Z")
### I childproofed my house. Somehow, they still got in. * * * ### Yesterday I couldn’t figure out whether someone was waving at me or the person behind me. In other news, I lost my lifeguard job. * * * ### Why don’t aardvarks get sick? They’re full of tiny little anty-bodies. * * * ### How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb? One… or two? One… or two? * * * ### And the Lord sayeth unto Jake, “Come forth and receive eternal life!” But Jake came fifth and received a toaster. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2024, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5156 "2024-08-18T18:19:43Z")
**My ex got hit by a bus near my house, and I thought to myself, ‘That could have been _me!_’** Then I remembered: I don’t know how to drive a bus. ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2024, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5157 "2024-08-18T18:42:24Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### I childproofed my house. > > Somehow, they still got in. > > * * * > > ### How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb? > > One… or two? One… or two? Loved these. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2024, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5158 "2024-08-18T18:53:16Z")
**In a haunted house, I saw a beautiful naked ghost.** I was scared stiff! ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2024, 4:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5159 "2024-08-19T04:51:58Z")
Some more from the Edinburgh Fringe this year: I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship, but I bottled it. (This was voted funniest in the festival by a public vote) I was fired from my job marking exams. I can’t understand it, I always gave 110%. I love the Olympics; my friend and I came up with a new type of relay baton. Well, he came up with the idea, I just ran with it. I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it. Etiquette is so confusing; why is it highbrow to look at boobs in an art gallery but lowbrow to get mine out in the supermarket? ---
**Author:** ![Nyvaak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Nyvaak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nyvaak)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2024, 7:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5160 "2024-08-19T07:01:57Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? > > None. That’s a hardware problem. How many I.T. guys does it take to change a light bulb? Hmm, the light bulbs are working in all the other offices. You must be doing something wrong. ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2024, 11:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5161 "2024-08-19T11:57:49Z")
> [@Nyvaak](#): > > How many I.T. guys does it take to change a light bulb? Have you tried turning it off and back on again? ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2024, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5162 "2024-08-19T14:15:34Z")
### Did you hear the Fonz got a government job? He’s working for the C. I. AAAAAY! * * * ### My wife calls me a sex machine. Actually, the words she chose were “a fucking tool”, but that’s the same thing, right? * * * ### I read an article on the Top 10 Facts about Diarrhea. No. 2 will really surprise you. * * * ### My wife told me to put the toilet seat down. I don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place. * * * ### In Putin’s Russia… …occupied country invades you! ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2024, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5163 "2024-08-19T14:18:41Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### In Putin’s Russia… > > …occupied country invades you! Excellent! ---
**Author:** ![RAWDuke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/71e660/32.png) [@RAWDuke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RAWDuke)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2024, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5164 "2024-08-19T14:31:54Z")
### There are only two types of Straight Dopers: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete datasets. And those who believe that a list must contain at least 3 items… ---
**Author:** ![Hari\_Seldon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hari_seldon/32/5173_2.png) [@Hari\_Seldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hari_Seldon)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2024, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5165 "2024-08-19T22:38:46Z")
I probably did this before, but **How many fruit flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?** Two. ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2024, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5166 "2024-08-19T23:07:41Z")
So, how do they get into the light bulb? ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2024, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5167 "2024-08-19T23:13:05Z")
How many efficiency experts does it take to change a light bulb? None. Efficiency experts only change dark bulbs. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Winston\_OBoogie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr.winston_oboogie/32/2945_2.png) [@Dr.Winston\_OBoogie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Winston_OBoogie)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2024, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5168 "2024-08-20T00:11:37Z")
> [@Hari\_Seldon](#): > > I probably did this before, but > > **How many fruit flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?** > > Two. 3 if they’re kinky! ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2024, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5169 "2024-08-20T00:34:42Z")
It’s elementary. ---
**Author:** ![Dogginit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dogginit/32/16920_2.png) [@Dogginit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogginit)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2024, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5170 "2024-08-20T00:40:30Z")
The difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky’s when you use a feather, perverted is when you use the whole chicken. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2024, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5171 "2024-08-20T00:55:45Z")
That reminds me of this old B. Kliban cartoon. [![](https://www.jumpingfrog.com/images/magads6/mdz1512.jpg) ](https://www.jumpingfrog.com/images/magads6/mdz1512.jpg) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=257) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=259)