# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 261
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2024, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5212 "2024-09-03T23:53:40Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > So, Trump with Mike Pence visits institutions around US to see what he can do to make infrastructure better for people. This is your funniest joke yet (just the quoted portion)! ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2024, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5213 "2024-09-04T02:31:15Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### A Chinese factory recently had massive layoffs, leaving hundreds angry… > > …at having to go back to school. I don’t get it. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2024, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5214 "2024-09-04T02:35:19Z")
child labor. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2024, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5215 "2024-09-04T02:35:47Z")
Ah. Thanks. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2024, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5216 "2024-09-04T15:18:33Z")
### I say, I say, what do you call a shoe that’s made out of a banana? A slipper! * * * ### Chinese takeout: $10. Tip: $2. Getting home to find out they forgot part of your order… Riceless. * * * ### A man stumbles upon a lamp and a genie pops out and offers him 3 wishes.. Man: “For my first wish I’d like to be rich." Genie: “All right, Rich, what’s your second wish?" * * * ### What’s the opposite of a USB port? A USB starboard. * * * ### Where do cow farts come from? The dairy air. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2024, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5217 "2024-09-05T15:21:12Z")
### A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having difficulty keeping time with the rest of the band. Finally, the captain said, ‘Either you learn to keep time or I’ll throw you overboard … It’s up to you, sync or swim.’ * * * ### A lady aboard a cruise ship was not impressed by the jazz trio in one of the ship’s restaurants. When her waiter came around, she asked, ‘Will they play anything | ask?’ ‘Of course!’ replied the waiter. ‘Then tell them to go play chess!’ * * * ### She was the apple of his eye… … and he liked to sit down be cider. * * * ### I entered a contest for the most prominent veins. I didn’t win, but I came varicose. * * * ### How does the Pope pay for stuff on eBay? Papal. ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2024, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5218 "2024-09-06T01:24:04Z")
A priest, an Imam, and a rabbit walk into a bar. “I’ll have wine” says the priest. “Just water for me” says the imam. “Nothing for me; I’m only here due to autocorrect” says the rabbit. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2024, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5219 "2024-09-06T14:39:51Z")
### An old man goes to the doctor. He complains that he hasn’t been able to poop for over a week. The doctor asks him, “How old are you?” The old man replied, “I’m 85 years old!” The doctor say, “Ehh, you’ve pooped enough.” * * * ### My church’s potlucks are always super noisy, but the food is amazing. Hate the din, love the dinner. * * * ### To judge the competence of a doctor, I always bring along my pet - Because a quack ducks when a duck quacks. * * * ### I taught my son about oxymorons today. He thinks they’re well sick! * * * ### When I worked as a bartender, a woman asked me for a “Double Entendre”. Of course, I gave it to her… ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2024, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5220 "2024-09-06T14:57:01Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### An old man goes to the doctor. > > He complains that he hasn’t been able to poop for over a week. (Probably told already here, but I don’t think keywords like ‘old man’ or ‘poop’ are going to narrow a joke search down enough to find out). Three men, aged 65, 75 and 85, are sitting around talking at a retirement home. The 65 year old says “I can’t pee anymore. 6 or 7 times a night I get up and only manage to squeeze out a few drops”. The 75 year old says “not only do I have that problem, I can’t seem to have a good bowel movement anymore. I haven’t pooped for over a week”. The 85 year old says “not me. Every morning at 6am I urinate voluminously. Then every morning at 7am, like clockwork, I have an enormous bowel movement”. The 65 and 75 year olds say “that’s great, good for you!” The 85 year old says “you don’t understand. I don’t wake up until 8am”. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2024, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5221 "2024-09-06T17:08:41Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### An old man goes to the doctor. > > He complains that he hasn’t been able to poop for over a week. My version (post 1,017) was ‘You’ve peed enough.’ 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Karen\_Lingel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/karen_lingel/32/18649_2.png) [@Karen\_Lingel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Karen_Lingel)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2024, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5222 "2024-09-06T18:12:27Z")
I posted this to the AI thread and no one laughed. I thought I would try it here. Got this AI summary from a Google search: (true!) > A whale’s breach is when it propels itself out of the water, while a breech is when a baby whale is born feet first ---
**Author:** ![abcdefghij](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/43a26b/32.png) [@abcdefghij](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/abcdefghij)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2024, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5223 "2024-09-06T18:36:15Z")
I’m laughing ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2024, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5224 "2024-09-06T21:46:51Z")
Let us take a moment of silence to remember the brave school children who lay down their lives every day so that we might preserve our sacred right to bare arms. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2024, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5225 "2024-09-06T23:27:06Z")
The word alphabet is in alphabetical order. mmm ---
**Author:** ![leswax](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/85f322/32.png) [@leswax](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leswax)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2024, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5226 "2024-09-07T01:52:15Z")
I don’t get this one. If I’m the only one who’s whooshed then carry on. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2024, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5227 "2024-09-07T01:58:22Z")
> [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > The word alphabet is in alphabetical order. “alphabet” is part of / in “ **alphabet** ical order” Don’t shoot me, I’m only the messenger. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2024, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5228 "2024-09-07T02:58:40Z")
If a package of bacon isn’t resealable, it contains one serving. That’s just science. I don’t make the rules. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2024, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5229 "2024-09-07T13:44:06Z")
Bill to neighbor Jim: how’s the new boat? Jim: well, I got a great deal on it since it was made in China, but I’ve had quite a few problems with it. Bill: well, that explains it— Chinese-built boats are junk. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2024, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5230 "2024-09-07T15:47:26Z")
### A lonely stranger went into a deserted restaurant and ordered the breakfast special. “When his order arrived, he looked up at the waitress and asked, “How about a kind word?” She leaned over and whispered, “Don’t eat the meat.” * * * ### A builder, an electrician, and a lawyer were arguing about which profession was the oldest. The builder pointed out proudly that the first thing God had done was to build the earth. “True,” said the electrician, “but before that, He said, ‘Let there be light.’” “You’re both right,” said the lawyer agreeably, “but before the light, there was chaos—and who do you think created the chaos?” * * * ### Why don’t women blink during foreplay? They don’t have enough time. * * * ### A stockbroker catches his wife in bed with another man. He says to her, “What’s going on?” She says, “Believe it or not, John, I’ve gone public!” * * * ### I’d like to come back as an oyster. Then I’d only have to be good from September until April. - GRACIE ALLEN ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2024, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5231 "2024-09-07T16:16:37Z")
I stayed at this nasty motel called the Fiddle. It was a vile inn. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=260) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=262)