# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 269
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2024, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5372 "2024-10-25T14:19:57Z")
### Definition of a contraceptive device" An article to be worn on every conceivable occasion. * * * ### What is McDonald’s most known for? ``` A. Big Mac B. Fries C. Chicken McNuggets D. Quarter Pounder E. Coli ``` * * * ### I’ve been dating a nice girl who loves Halloween and asked if we could do something thematic to celebrate. So she ghosted me. * * * ### What is James Bond’s favorite type of music? Bands. Big bands. * * * ### Sign on a road: SPEED LIMIT 25 MPH BRAINS REQUIRED PERSONS UNWILLING TO CONSIDER WINTRY CONDITIONS MAKE BE SUBJECT TO NATURAL SELECTION ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2024, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5373 "2024-10-25T17:33:16Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### What is James Bond’s favorite type of music? > > Bands. Big bands. Maybe like this: Q: What is Ian Flemings favorite music? A: Band. Big Band. ---
**Author:** ![pjd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pjd/32/3009_2.png) [@pjd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pjd)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2024, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5374 "2024-10-25T17:42:00Z")
Happy Birthday Prof ! 🎂 ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2024, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5375 "2024-10-25T21:07:35Z")
Yes, happy birthday, Prof.P! **Good news about birthdays:** Statistics show that those who have more birthdays, often live longer. But there’s a limit-- too many birthdays tend to kill you. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2024, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5376 "2024-10-26T00:08:17Z")
How many times turning 19 does this make it? 😄 ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2024, 10:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5377 "2024-10-26T10:30:03Z")
> [@Hypno-Toad](#): > > > [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > > > ### What is James Bond’s favorite type of music? > > > > Bands. Big bands. > > Maybe like this: > > Q: What is Ian Flemings favorite music? > A: Band. Big Band. What’s Ian Fleming’s favorite car? **Bang. Chitty-chitty Bang Bang.** ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2024, 10:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5378 "2024-10-26T10:52:06Z")
What is Ian Fleming’s favorite medicated original formula triple action antibiotic body lotion? Bond. Gold Bond. mmm ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2024, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5379 "2024-10-26T15:38:05Z")
Not a factor of 19, at 71 I’m in my prime. ### I asked Schrodinger’s Cat and Pavlov’s Dog if they’d got the invitation to my birthday party. The cat’s a maybe and the dog said it didn’t ring any bells. * * * ### I went to a birthday party and told dad jokes The jokes didn’t go over well. I was asked to leave the orphanage. * * * ### Rhinoceroses have bad eyesight. But with their size, that’s someone else’s problem. * * * ### Why didn’t the green pepper practice archery? Because it didn’t habanero. * * * ### What sound does James Bond’s doorbell make? Dong. Ding dong. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2024, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5380 "2024-10-26T16:49:06Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Why didn’t the green pepper practice archery? > > Because it didn’t habanero. [[Album] imgur.com ![](https://i.imgur.com/nuffIWI.jpeg?fb "imgur.com") ](https://imgur.com/a/Nw3DjoU) ---
**Author:** ![The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_other_waldo_pepper/32/12370_2.png) [@The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Other_Waldo_Pepper)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2024, 7:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5381 "2024-10-27T07:50:28Z")
_‘This may involve getting jalapeño business.’_ ---
**Author:** ![themapleleaf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/themapleleaf/32/14349_2.png) [@themapleleaf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/themapleleaf)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2024, 9:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5382 "2024-10-27T09:05:50Z")
Two of my favorites are jokes about parrots. 1. An English gentleman buys a parrot. And after bringing it home, he discovers it has the filthiest mouth. It constantly swears, throws out dirty jokes, and hurls insults at people passing by the window! It embarrasses the man to no end. He keeps trying to train the bird, but it doesn’t listen, just cackles back at him. In a rage, he finally throws the bird in the freezer and closes the door. The bird squawks once, then goes very quiet. The gentleman waits a minute, then opens the door. “Sir, I’m terribly sorry for my earlier behavior, I assure you that I won’t be speaking as such anymore,” the parrot apologizes. “But may I have a question?” “Certainly.” “What did that poor chicken do to deserve its fate?” 1. A woman goes to a pet shop and immediately spots a large, beautiful parrot. The sign on the cage says $50.00, which seems awfully cheap. “Why so little,” she asks the pet store owner. The owner looks at her seriously and says, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a brothel and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff”. The woman thinks about this, but decides to buy the parrot anyway. She takes it home, puts the bird’s cage in her living room and waits for it to say something. The parrot looks around the room, then at her, and says, “New house, new madam” . The woman is a bit shocked at the implication, but then finds it kind of amusing. When her two teenage daughters return from school, the parrot says, “New house, new madam, new whores”. The girls and the woman are a bit offended but then begin to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman’s husband comes home from work.The bird looks at him and says, “Hi, Carl!” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2024, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5383 "2024-10-27T15:06:03Z")
### I just figured out what I want on my tombstone. “Finally”. * * * ### I’m gettin’ old. I used to smoke weed. Now I just smoke ham. * * * ### If you are ever attacked by a group of clowns… …always go for the juggler. * * * ### I told myself I need to stop drinking so much. But I’m not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to himself. * * * ### What do you call a grasshopper that cleans flues? Chimney Cricket. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2024, 1:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5384 "2024-10-28T13:18:25Z")
I only date girls who are Dallas Cowboy fans because they never expect a ring. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2024, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5385 "2024-10-28T13:51:41Z")
### A couple of airplane mechanics are in the hangar at Logan; it’s fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, “Man, have you got anything to drink?” The other one says, “Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and that it will kinda give you a buzz.” So they drink it, get smashed, and have a great time. The following morning, one of them gets up and is surprised by how good he feels. In fact, he feels great—NO hangover! The phone rings and it’s his buddy, who says, “Hey, how do you feel?” “I feel great!” “I feel great too!! You don’t have a hangover?” “No. That jet fuel is great stuff, no hangover. We ought to do this more often.” “Yeah, we could, but there’s just one thing.” “What’s that?” “Did you fart yet?” “No.” “Well, DON’T, ’cause I’m in Phoenix!” - Richard Belzer * * * ### What space weapons are very chewy? Laser gums. * * * ### What do you call thirteen witches in a hot tub? A self-cleaning coven. * * * ### When guns are outlawed… …only outlaws will accidentally shoot their kids. * * * ### For every action… …there is an equal and opposite criticism. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2024, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5386 "2024-10-29T15:15:10Z")
### My wife and I decided we don’t want any kids. We’re telling them tonight. * * * ### What’s the romantic version of _Nightmare on Elm Street_? _Edward Scissorhands_ * * * ### I saw a werewolf behind the bus stop last night! Or a really hairy homeless guy. Either way, the silver bullet worked! * * * ### Donald Trump is the candy corn of politicians: Part white, part orange and sickening in large doses. * * * ### I dressed up as a screwdriver this past Halloween. It wasn’t the best costume but I still turned a lot of heads. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2024, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5387 "2024-10-30T15:02:14Z")
### Why was the Zombie so good at trick-or-treating? Dead-ication. * * * ### How did the skeleton know it was going to rain on Halloween? He felt it in his bones. * * * ### Why don’t werewolves ever know the time? Because they’re not whenwolves. * * * ### How did Dracula learn to become a vampire? He took a crash corpse. * * * ### What happened to the ghost when it fell down? It got a boo-boo. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2024, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5388 "2024-10-30T16:31:18Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Why don’t werewolves ever know the time? > > Because they’re not whenwolves. They also get lost all the time, because they’re not wherewolves. * * * **I can’t believe my current roommates think our house is haunted.** I’ve never seen a single ghost, and I’ve been here for over 300 years. ---
**Author:** ![Ignatz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/3be4f8/32.png) [@Ignatz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ignatz)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2024, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5389 "2024-10-31T01:35:05Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Why don’t werewolves ever know the time? > > Because they’re not whenwolves. Because they don’t know when they were! ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2024, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5390 "2024-10-31T14:41:11Z")
### I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat. And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them “My hat, my candy”. * * * ### Macbeth meets the three witches on the marsh. ‘‘Hail, Macbeth. For a fee we will predict your future.’’ -‘‘Really? How much?’’ ‘‘10 pence per predicted year.’’ ‘‘I want a prediction for my _whole_ life.’’ ‘‘That’ll be 5 pence.’’ * * * ### Three ghosts were talking about what was keeping them from being promoted from ghoul to specter. The first confessed, “I have a weakness for boooooooooooooobs.” The second admitted, “I drink too much boooooooooooooze.” The third said, “I lack situational awareness.” * * * ### Why is Dracula’s girlfriend like a bad boxer? They both go down for the count. * * * ### My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child’s feet. She said something about 'waiting until they’re born. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Winston\_OBoogie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr.winston_oboogie/32/2945_2.png) [@Dr.Winston\_OBoogie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Winston_OBoogie)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2024, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5391 "2024-10-31T18:04:12Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child’s feet. > > She said something about 'waiting until they’re born. Are you kidding? My wife loved doing that when she was pregnant! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=268) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=270)