# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 278
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2024, 5:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5552 "2024-12-11T05:56:33Z")
“Who is the most vicious enemy of the Green Lanterns?” “Captain Nazi. He hates colored people.” * * * “You’re just jealous that the voices are talking to me!” * * * “That which does not kill you has made a tactical error.” * * * Did you hear that labs are using lawyers instead of white rats now? Know why? 1. There’s more of them. 2. Nobody cares if they die. 3. There’s some things you just can’t get a rat to do. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2024, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5553 "2024-12-11T16:30:12Z")
### Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents? Because the rest of the letters are not-E. * * * ### A horse walks into a bar. The barman confuses idioms with jokes and offers him a glass of water… but can’t make him drink. * * * ### If you rearrange all the letters of Postman… …he gets really angry. * * * ### A recruiter just told me that someone with my skills could make a fortune in Western Africa. I’m rare in Togo! * * * ### Why did the Bostonian take his sled to the pawn shop? Toboggan. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2024, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5554 "2024-12-11T17:52:27Z")
> [@Der\_Trihs](#): > > “That which does not kill you has made a tactical error.” Whatever life throws at you, duck and let it hit someone else. Sooner or later we all quote our mothers. ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2024, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5555 "2024-12-12T00:32:22Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### If you rearrange all the letters of Postman… > > …he gets really angry. If you rearrange all the letters of Postage … You’ll end up with the Gestapo. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2024, 7:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5556 "2024-12-12T07:46:09Z")
Neon walks into a bar. The bartender says “We don’t serve your filthy, stinking kind here!” Neon doesn’t react. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2024, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5557 "2024-12-12T14:40:11Z")
### What do you have when you have 16 copies of the Wizard of Oz? The Wizard of Lb. * * * ### What does the wicked witch of west say when cooking eggs and bacon? FRY, MY PRETTIES! * * * ### On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist’s son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, “I bet I know what it is - it’s some flowers!” “That’s right!” shouted the little boy. Then the candy store owner’s daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. “I bet I know what it is - it’s a box of candy!” “That’s right!” shouted the little girl. The next gift was from the liquor store owner’s son, Little Johnny. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. “Is it wine?” she asked. “No,” Little Johnny answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. “Is it champagne?” she asked. “No,” he answered. Finally, the teacher said, “I give up. What is it?” Little Johnny replied, “A puppy!” * * * ### What weapon does Santa have? Ballistic mistletoe, * * * ### I’m thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events. I wonder how many people are in that field. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2024, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5558 "2024-12-12T14:47:40Z")
> [@Der\_Trihs](#): > > Neon walks into a bar. The bartender says “We don’t serve your filthy, stinking kind here!” > > Neon doesn’t react. The bartender should have seen the sign. Neon does a noble job of advertising the bar’s presence at night. ---
**Author:** ![Mark\_Finn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/34f0e0/32.png) [@Mark\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mark_Finn)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2024, 12:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5559 "2024-12-13T12:46:27Z")
**How does King Wenceslas like his pizza?** Deep pan, crisp, and even. **Why does Santa have no children?** He only comes once a year. **Sex is like snow.** You never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2024, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5560 "2024-12-13T13:39:04Z")
### My blood sometimes, for no reason at all, decides to not carry enough oxygen. I have fickle cell anemia. * * * ### Is anyone behaving badly just to get coal in their stocking… … so they can heat their house? * * * ### How do you wish Beethoven a Merry Christmas? Fur-Elise Navidad! * * * ### How do you find a new Greek restaurant? With a gyroscope. * * * ### Two hydrogen atoms and an oxygen atom had a threesome… Made me so wet. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2024, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5561 "2024-12-13T13:48:56Z")
**What do Santa’s reindeers’ wives do for fun on Christmas Eve night, while their husbands are busy pulling Santa around the world?** They go into town and blow a few bucks. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2024, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5562 "2024-12-14T16:37:26Z")
### What kind of wreaths do fish hang on their doors? Coral wreaths. * * * ### What do you call a person who doesn’t believe in Santa Claus? Eggnog-stic. * * * ### I named my indoor cat Finn because he makes me happy… He’s my indoor Finn. * * * ### What do you call a Italian who drinks lean? Italics. * * * ### Pamela Anderson is celebrating after receiving a nomination for her role in The Last Showgirl. She says she’s hoping to win and it being like her time on Baywatch, where many in Hollywood were jealous of her Golden Globes ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2024, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5563 "2024-12-15T15:00:46Z")
### Why are tall people always so well rested? They sleep longer in bed. * * * ### The universe clearly operates for the benefit of humanity. This can be readily seen from the convenient way the sun comes up in the morning, when people are ready to start the day. - Terry Pratchett * * * ### What’s a Vegan’s favorite Christmas carol? Soy to the World * * * ### What did the gingerbread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet. * * * ### What’s the best possible Christmas present? A broken drum. You can’t beat it! ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2024, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5564 "2024-12-16T04:32:04Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_100,w_79,c_scale/v200/b93ac836-30b3-4c12-a592-37d68f69e265) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_100,w_79,c_scale/v200/b93ac836-30b3-4c12-a592-37d68f69e265) ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2024, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5565 "2024-12-16T14:10:47Z")
### What ethnicity is Santa Claus? North Polish. * * * ### A rogue Doctor is being sought by the authorities for doing unlicensed colon cleanses. The FBI called him “an enema of the state”. * * * ### What do you do when your musical instrument is on fire? You stop, rock, and roll. * * * ### I just watched A _Christmas Carol_ with Patrick Stewart. What he’s doing 'round my house I don’t know. * * * ### Well, I decked the Halls today… They kept coming over singing those darn Christmas carols. Bah humbug! ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2024, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5566 "2024-12-17T15:31:18Z")
### How does Kris Kringle clean his hands? Santatizer. * * * ### What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner - it’s 90 degrees. * * * ### I childproofed my house. Somehow they still got in. * * * ### I say, I say, I used to play piano by ear… …but now I use my hands. * * * ### My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.” So I went in as Batman. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2024, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5567 "2024-12-17T23:54:59Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > * * * > > ### I childproofed my house. > > Somehow they still got in. Johannes Kepler, the great astronomer, wrote of a child “entering his house through a secret door”, and disrupting his work, when his first child was born. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2024, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5568 "2024-12-18T15:58:29Z")
### Trump exploded in anger as he was refused entry to the nativity scene/ Proof once and for all that he’s unstable. * * * ### I asked my wife if sex is a chore to her. ‘‘Not really,’’ she replied. “Chores make me feel satisfied afterwards.” * * * ### I have quit smoking for good. From now on I will smoke exclusively for evil. * * * ### What do you call an orchestra of monkeys? A chimpony. * * * ### How do you know when you’ve wounded a potato? You’ve hurt its peelings. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2024, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5569 "2024-12-19T01:29:40Z")
**What’s the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man?** Iron Man stops the bad guys. Aluminum Man just foils their plans. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2024, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5570 "2024-12-19T16:38:26Z")
My physics teacher said I had a lot of potential, then he pushed me off the roof. No longer allowed to go caroling at the psych hospital; I guess _Do You Hear What I Hear_ was a bad song choice. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2024, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5571 "2024-12-20T22:27:09Z")
### Why are reindeer so enamored of Beyonce? She sleighs. * * * ### What do you call a Christmas rom-com about bread? _Loaf Actually_ * * * ### What do you call a search engine that plays the most popular Christmas songs? Michael Googlé. * * * ### Why are Christmas ornaments addicted to Christmas? Because they get hooked on trees their whole life. * * * ### Why does the Mummy love him some Christmas? Gift wrapping. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=277) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=279)