# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 28
**Author:** ![alovem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@alovem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alovem)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2021, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/551 "2021-08-01T16:07:41Z")
> [@Johnny\_L.A](#): > > Anyway, two human beings who have different beliefs and cultural backgrounds, and a small anthropomorphic mammal, walk into an establishment known for selling a certain product… The anthropomorphic mammal says, ‘No, I’m not in the wrong joke, person who was born in a time period after a world war.’ This sounds like some of the translated jokes in the thread about jokes from other countries. 😀 ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2021, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/552 "2021-08-01T16:36:13Z")
I didn’t want to offend anybody. 😉 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2021, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/553 "2021-08-01T18:12:34Z")
### A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life. He said, “You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you’ll live to a nice ripe old age.” So the cowboy did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96. When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren …and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium. * * * ### I hate Russian dolls… They’re so full of themselves. * * * ### A plateau is the highest form of flattery. * * * ### Never give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2021, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/554 "2021-08-02T15:54:39Z")
### The mourners looked on aghast as the coffin toppled out of the car. “We’ll have to rehearse that”, said the undertaker. * * * ### Butane really is a magical substance It’s a heavy liquid but a lighter fluid * * * ### Where do Olympic Gymnasts Go to Drink? Uneven bars. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2021, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/555 "2021-08-03T16:17:19Z")
Q. How do they fill the swimming pool at the Olympic Games? A. Mark Spitz. For those of you too young to remember, American swimmer Mark Spitz won seven gold medals in the 1972 Munich Olympics. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2021, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/556 "2021-08-03T20:20:53Z")
What’s green and slides across the ice? Peggy Phlegm. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2021, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/557 "2021-08-03T21:00:15Z")
What’s yellow and sticky, and shoots a Winchester really fast? Mucus McCain. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2021, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/558 "2021-08-03T22:42:18Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Where do Olympic Gymnasts Go to Drink? > > Uneven bars. They also go to parallel bars. ---
**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2021, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/559 "2021-08-03T22:45:30Z")
> [@needscoffee](#): > > They also go to parallel bars. The uneven bars _are_ parallel. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2021, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/560 "2021-08-03T23:29:31Z")
### How did the airport die? From terminal cancer. * * * ### I ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s today… His mom got REALLY angry with me.. * * * ### There are two types of people I hate. 1. Racists 2. The French ---
**Author:** ![DeadTreasSecretaries](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/deadtreassecretaries/32/4817_2.png) [@DeadTreasSecretaries](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeadTreasSecretaries)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2021, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/561 "2021-08-04T03:21:53Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Where do Olympic Gymnasts Go to Drink? > > Uneven bars. If you drink enough, they’re all uneven bars. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2021, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/562 "2021-08-04T12:59:53Z")
### Pretentious? Moi? ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2021, 1:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/563 "2021-08-04T13:08:47Z")
> [@Johnny\_L.A](#): > > A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Reminds me of one… Three married couples get in a multi-car accident, die and find themselves waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter meets the first couple, checks his records and says to the man, “your wife’s name is Penny, so obviously all your life you only cared about money, living a life of avarice. You don’t deserve to be here- take the escalator down to the other place.” The second couple steps up and St. Peter says to the man, “your wife’s name is Sherry, so you clearly thought of nothing but your next drink and wasted your life. Go follow the other couple downstairs.” The husband of the third couple turns to his wife and says “come on, we may as well not even bother, Fanny.” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2021, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/564 "2021-08-04T13:57:37Z")
### A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked: “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.” The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police officer ran up and asked: “Sister, have you seen a soldier?” The nun replied: “He went that way.” After the Military Police officers ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said: “I can’t thank you enough Sister. You see, I don’t want to go to war to Iraq.” The nun said: “I understand completely.” The soldier added: “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!” The nun replied: "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls… I don’t want to go to Iraq either! * * * ### What do you call the fear of giants? FeeFiPhobia ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2021, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/565 "2021-08-04T13:59:42Z")
### Scrawled on a bathroom wall: Things I hate: 1. Graffiti 2. Lists 3. Irony ---
**Author:** ![bob\_2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bob_2/32/3341_2.png) [@bob\_2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bob_2)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2021, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/566 "2021-08-04T14:32:20Z")
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jill came down with half-a-crown; She didn’t go for water, ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2021, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/567 "2021-08-04T18:08:22Z")
This is the way I heard it: Jack and Jill went up the hill They each had a buck and a quarter Jill came back with two and a half They didn’t go up there for water ---
**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2021, 1:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/568 "2021-08-05T01:30:23Z")
Maybe the one from @bob_2 belongs in the non-American thread 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2021, 9:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/569 "2021-08-05T09:10:54Z")
My Jack and Jill entry: Jack and Jill went up the hill To fetch a pail of water I dunno what they did up there But now they have a daughter ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2021, 11:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/570 "2021-08-05T11:38:23Z")
I heard it as: Jack and Jill went up the hill To fetch a pail of water - Jill forgot to take the Pill And now they have a daughter. –Andrew Dice Clay [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=27) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=29)