# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 280
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2024, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5592 "2024-12-25T21:46:17Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_100,w_83,c_scale/v200/528af356-99ec-42c3-ba34-8aa6bca335b1) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_100,w_83,c_scale/v200/528af356-99ec-42c3-ba34-8aa6bca335b1) ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2024, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5593 "2024-12-25T21:55:26Z")
Never mind ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2024, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5594 "2024-12-25T21:58:11Z")
[[Album] imgur.com ![](https://i.imgur.com/7mivcm9.jpeg?fb "imgur.com") ](https://imgur.com/a/XFAE8Qa) ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2024, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5595 "2024-12-26T01:36:29Z")
> **[What Did We Get Stuck In Our Rectums Last Year? | Defector](https://defector.com/what-did-we-get-stuck-in-our-rectums-last-year-5)** > > Do you realize that this is the 12th year we’ve run this series? Time really flies when you don’t have something lodged up your butt. But for those of you who do, read on to see if you made this year’s list of the weirdest stuff that entered... Interesting as always 😬😳😱😖 ---
**Author:** ![SuntanLotion](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suntanlotion/32/16165_2.png) [@SuntanLotion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuntanLotion)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2024, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5596 "2024-12-26T01:49:53Z")
Damn near killed em. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2024, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5597 "2024-12-26T04:06:06Z")
I believe Dr. Cox put the light bulb back in Dr. Kelso’s lamp. Hilarity ensued? ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2024, 4:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5598 "2024-12-26T04:19:48Z")
IIRC it was Cox, JD and “Doctor” Jan Itor who did that. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2024, 12:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5599 "2024-12-26T12:09:50Z")
How does one get a bag of soil lodged in their vagina? Dirty girl. mmm ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2024, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5600 "2024-12-26T14:15:55Z")
### Do not look for the Past for you cannot change it. Do not look for the Future for you do not know what it is. Do not look for the Present for I didn’t get you one. * * * ## If you start watching _Avengers: Endgame_ on New Year’s Eve at exactly 9:29:30, at exactly midnight… You’ll realize exactly why you’re still single. * * * ### I accidentally squirted some ketchup in my eyes.. Now I have Heinzsight!! * * * ### My girlfriend left me this Christmas… So now I am alone with a wife and two kids. * * * ### Who in the Addams Family gets the most gifts at Christmas? Cousin Itt. Santa always checks him on his list twice. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2024, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5601 "2024-12-27T01:05:28Z")
> [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > How does one get a bag of soil lodged in their vagina? > > Dirty girl. > > mmm   This is one time where your sig might have been spelled out. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2024, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5602 "2024-12-27T17:32:06Z")
### Why was Santa sick on the day after Christmas? A couple of the chimneys he went down had the flue. * * * ### I really appreciate how some people still give gifts to poor guys on the street, even after Christmas. For example yesterday I saw someone giving his credit card and $5,000 to a guy who only had a knife… * * * ### I heard New Year’s is cancelled in Russia this year. They have no rockets left. * * * ### Did you hear about the alcoholic medium? He made all the spirits disappear. * * * ### How many Trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb? None. Trump says it’s changed and his supporters all cheer in the dark. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2024, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5603 "2024-12-27T23:11:42Z")
**Christmas season keeps starting earlier and earlier.** It’s 363 days until Christmas, and already people have their decorations up! ---
**Author:** ![MarkF2004](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5ac83/32.png) [@MarkF2004](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MarkF2004)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2024, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5604 "2024-12-27T23:15:35Z")
I went to fancy dress party dressed only in my briefs, someone asked “What are you here as?” “I’m a premature ejaculation” says I “I don’t get it…?” “I’ve come in my pants…” A vicar is on the bus on a warm summers day, next to him a little girl is enjoying an ice lolly… Looking down, the vicar sees something and says “Excuse me young lady, do you know you have a hair on your sweetie?” “Yes,” she replied proudly, “and I’m only 10…” ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2024, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5605 "2024-12-27T23:39:44Z")
**A woman’s costume for a party consisted solely of a lemon over her crotch.** Her husband put a potato on his penis. The wife say, ‘Oh, no, you don’t! You’re not going to the party like _that!_’ The husband said, ‘Why not? If you’re going as a sourpuss, I can go as a dictator!’ **A man arrives at a costume party wearing only a pair of roller skates.** He came as a pull toy. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2024, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5606 "2024-12-28T02:40:28Z")
A senior gentleman was riding a packed bus when a pretty young lady boarded. Seeing that she had no place to sit, the man offered his lap to her. “You have nothing to worry about,” he explained, “I’m an old man.” She accepted his offer and sat on his lap. A few moments later the man said, “You’d better get off, I’m not as old as I thought I was,” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2024, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5607 "2024-12-28T16:49:52Z")
### I asked the gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, ”How flexible are you?” I said, ”I can’t make Tuesdays.” * * * ### I’m on the whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already. * * * ### My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I had no idea those things worked. * * * ### I cleaned out the attic with my wife the other day. I still can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair. * * * ### Comic Sans walked into a bar. The bartender said, “Get out! We don’t want your type in here!” ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2024, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5608 "2024-12-28T23:37:25Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_93,w_100,c_scale/v200/270fdbdc-9b5d-493c-8d66-692f6756b1df) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_93,w_100,c_scale/v200/270fdbdc-9b5d-493c-8d66-692f6756b1df) ---
**Author:** ![Mark\_Finn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/34f0e0/32.png) [@Mark\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mark_Finn)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2024, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5609 "2024-12-29T02:07:40Z")
**A girl is at the doctor’s office having her regular checkup.** He’s checking her breathing. Doctor: “Big breaths!” Girl: "Yeth - and I’m only thixteen! ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2024, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5610 "2024-12-29T18:14:45Z")
### A man comes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy. “What, a vasectomy, right now?” asks the doctor baffled. “Yes, i’m a bit in a hurry, my wife is waiting, we want to go shopping and to the movies afterwards and she found it a good idea to get a vasectomy first.” The doctor shrugs and says “As you like it, come in then.” Said and done, and when the man comes back to his wife she’s asking “All ok with you, did it go well, did it hurt?” “Not at all” the men replies “I had a anesthesia of course.” “What, anesthesia for a vaccination?!” the wife is confused. The man slaps his forehead and shouts “Vaccination!” * * * ### I was kidnapped by a group of savage mimes. They did unspeakable things to me. * * * ### I have 11 New Year Resolutions… - Never make resolutions. - Be accepting of paradoxes. - Use the binary number system more often. * * * ### What do you call two idiots in a blizzard? Numb and Number. * * * ### My new year’s resolution is to stay out of shape Maybe I won’t stick with this one either. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2024, 6:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5611 "2024-12-30T06:39:34Z")
Former president Jimmy Carter dies at 100. # 48-Year-Old Rabbit Finally Finishes the Job. - The Onion [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=279) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=281)