# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 282
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2025, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5632 "2025-01-06T15:00:03Z")
**A man knocks on a farmhouse door. A young boy answers.** “Hi, I’m your neighbor from a mile or two down the road. Is your Pa home?” “Nope.” “How about your Ma?” “Nope.” “Is your older brother home?” “Nope, he’s out too. Anything I can help you with?” “Well, it seems that your brother has gotten our daughter pregnant.” “OK, well, Pa charges $500 for the bull and $100 for the pig. I don’t know what Pa charges for my brother-- you’ll have to ask him.” ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2025, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5633 "2025-01-06T15:34:46Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Inside a hospice… _Hospice?!?_ ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2025, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5634 "2025-01-06T18:02:56Z")
What, you can’t be crazy in a hospice? ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2025, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5635 "2025-01-06T18:17:37Z")
The Amish Flu is going around. First you get a little hoarse, then a little buggy… ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2025, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5636 "2025-01-07T17:25:23Z")
### My three years of high school Spanish was a total waste of time. Twenty years later, all I can remember is “Comment allez-vous?”. * * * ### An old English lord comes back home late one night. His butler opens the door for him, and says: “Ah, here comes the old fart. So, did you spend all the money on booze and prostitutes again?” “No, John”, replied the lord. “I was at the doctor getting a hearing aid.” * * * ### You might hear people say that the Canadian prime minister resigning is a lie… But it’s Trudeau. * * * ### What is the internal temperature of a taun-taun? Luke warm. * * * ### Jimmy Carter was visiting Japan and he tried to tell a joke to the audience. The translator quickly renders his four paragraph joke into one sentence and they all howl with laughter. Carter asks him how he managed to do that, curious as to how efficient Japanese is. The translator replied: “I told the audience: ‘President Carter has told a very funny joke that doesn’t translate into Japanese, to avoid embarrassing him please laugh now.’” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2025, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5637 "2025-01-08T15:18:20Z")
### Ah,Scrooge, why are you so stingy? Don’t you know you can’t take it with you? All right, then, I’ll have it sent on ahead. * * * ### Old comics never die… …they just gag a little. * * * ### I knew Madame Butterfly… …when she was a cocoon. * * * ### My kid said “Dada” three times today… …and he’s only 15 years old. * * * ### Which men are the most above-board? Chessmen. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2025, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5638 "2025-01-08T15:35:40Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### My kid said “Dada” three times today… > > …and he’s only 15 years old. A precocious young appreciator of art with a taste for absurdist postmodernism! I’m impressed. You should be proud. > **[A Brief History of Dada](https://www.smithsonianmag.com/arts-culture/dada-115169154/)** > > The irreverent, rowdy revolution set the trajectory of 20th-century art ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2025, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5639 "2025-01-08T15:43:51Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### My kid said “Dada” three times today… > > …and he’s only 15 years old. This one, I’m not getting … ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2025, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5640 "2025-01-08T15:47:19Z")
I’m not saying you’re old, but… - Moses went to your high school - When you were a kid rainbows were in black and white - You remember when your family got its first wheel - When you were young the Dead Sea was in hospice mmm (one of these I wrote myself) ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2025, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5641 "2025-01-08T17:28:32Z")
> [@purplehorseshoe](#): > > > [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > > > ### My kid said “Dada” three times today… > > > > …and he’s only 15 years old. > > This one, I’m not getting … Kids say “Dada” typically when they’re much younger, like 6 months to a year. ---
**Author:** ![Thing.Fish](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thing.fish/32/9168_2.png) [@Thing.Fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thing.Fish)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2025, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5642 "2025-01-08T18:25:41Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Good King Wenceslas. > > When the snow lay round about > **Deep and crisp and even** > **[Caroling](https://xkcd.com/959/)** ---
**Author:** ![Hari\_Seldon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hari_seldon/32/5173_2.png) [@Hari\_Seldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hari_Seldon)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2025, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5643 "2025-01-09T02:08:45Z")
> [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > You remember when your family got its first wheel I do remember when my family got its first wheels. 1953, I was nearly 17. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2025, 7:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5644 "2025-01-09T07:23:19Z")
The next time your wife gets angry, drape a towel over her shoulders like a cape and say, “Now you’re SUPER ANGRY!” Maybe she’ll laugh? Maybe you’ll die? ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2025, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5645 "2025-01-09T15:05:33Z")
### What did the porcupine say to the cactus plant? Are you my mother? * * * ### A tiger walked into a bar and the bartender gave him a startled look. “It’s okay,” said the tiger, “I’m over 21.” * * * ### One firefly to another: “Give me a push, my battery’s dead.” * * * ### “My uncle has twelve medals. He won them in the war.” “He must’ve been a great shooter.” “No, he was a great crapshooter.” * * * ### I want to buy some flowers for the girl I love… …but my wife won’t let me. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2025, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5646 "2025-01-09T16:05:34Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### A tiger walked into a bar and the bartender gave him a startled look. > > “It’s okay,” said the tiger, “I’m over 21.” …which inevitably leads to this: [![](https://img.youtube.com/vi/z_ik9Px0S2o/hqdefault.jpg "Sean Lock: The Tiger Who Came for a Pint") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_ik9Px0S2o) ---
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2025, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5647 "2025-01-09T17:26:37Z")
A joke that one of my co-workers used to tell: **I shot down twelve Messerschmitts during the War** That’s why I was thrown out of the Luftwaffe. ---
**Author:** ![Jaycat.again](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jaycat.again/32/11525_2.png) [@Jaycat.again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jaycat.again)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2025, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5648 "2025-01-09T23:02:16Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > My three years of high school Spanish was a total waste of time. Evidently English grammar as well. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2025, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5649 "2025-01-10T13:35:17Z")
### Jimmy Durante, who in his later years had developed excellent comedy routines with the operatic contralto Helen Traubel, is reported to have blundered into her dressing room once when she was not expecting visitors. Emerging again hastily, he is reported to have said, “Nobody knows the Traubel I’ve seen.” * * * ### Joe Brown had long bored every one of his acquaintances with long tales of his surfing prowess. It was decided at last to call his bluff. When all were at a beach, with the waves curling in perfectly, a surfboard was suddenly thrust into his hand, and he was told, “Show us, Joe. Show us what you can do with a surfboard.” Joe did not hesitate. He took the board, marched toward the water line, but then stopped ten feet short of the highest reach of the waves. Holding his surfboard vertically beside him, he stood as though graven in stone. His companions finally lost patience. “Come on, Joe,” they yelled, “get into the water.” “I don’t have to,” he yelled back. “Why not?” And Joe shouted, “Because they also surf who only stand and wait.” * * * ### “Oh, poor Mr. Jones,” mourned Mrs. Smith. “Did you hear what happened to him? He tripped at the top of the stairs, fell down the whole flight, banged his head, and died.” “Died?” said Mrs. Robinson, shocked. “DiedI” repeated Mrs. Smith with emphasis. “Broke his glasses, too. * * * ### Nathan Rothschild, who lived in London in the early decades of the nineteenth century, was the most famous rich financier of his time. Once, getting out of a hackney cab, he included with the fee an exceedingly modest tip. The driver touched his hat and said, “You know, Mr. Rothschild, your daughter Julie gives me a much larger tip than that.” And Nathan growled, “That’s all right for her. She’s got a rich father.” * * * ### The eagle having deposited Saint Peter’s ball in the hole, Moses turned to his opponent and said, “Aw, come on, Pete, not when we’re playing for money.” The above jokes are all from Asimov’s _A Treasury of Humor_. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2025, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5650 "2025-01-10T13:37:44Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > And Joe shouted, “Because they also surf who only stand and wait.” The punchline is “…who only stand and **wade** ”, dammit. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2025, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5651 "2025-01-10T22:00:30Z")
> [@Jaycat.again](#): > > > [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > > > My three years of high school Spanish was a total waste of time. > > Evidently English grammar as well. What’s wrong with that sentence? Are you suggesting it should have said ‘…_ **were** _ a total waste of time’? I think either is correct-- ‘three years of high school Spanish’ can be considered one individual unit of learning, I’d say. English grammar pedantry over; please return to your regularly scheduled jokes. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=281) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=283)