# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 291
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2025, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5812 "2025-02-06T15:49:37Z")
**What’s the difference between Greenland and Donald Trump?** Greenland is not for sale. ---
**Author:** ![Civil\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d78d45/32.png) [@Civil\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Civil_Guy)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2025, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5813 "2025-02-06T22:14:29Z")
> [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > Interviewer, handing me a laptop: I want you to sell this to me. > I take the laptop and leave the office. > Interviewer, on the phone: Bring that back! > Me: That’ll be $300. “So, you managed to sell that ugly suit. I’m very impressed!” “yeah, but that guy’s seeing-eye dog was pissed!” ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2025, 9:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5814 "2025-02-07T09:30:25Z")
Mike looks out the window across the shared driveway with the townhouse next door. Two hot young gals are moving in it appears. He introduces himself and soon a parade of pickups and a small van bring the gal’s possessions. Things are going great; he fires up his grill for brats and burgers. Salads and drinks show up. Great! except the gals are a couple. Mike hurts for a bit but the girls are into fantasy football, hold’em poker, shooting, working out, etc… They fix him up with some other single friends, nothing serious yet but Mike’s social life is looking up. Something is always going on. Christmas rolls around; Mike gets the gals a family membership to the gym and to the target range. Time for his gift from them. They bring out a small box, elegantly wrapped. Inside is a smaller box with a Seiko, top of the line. Mike thanks them profusely but inside he’s torn up. How could they have gotten the message so wrong? He replayed it in his head. “What would you like for Christmas?” they said. Mike still remembers his words that evening. “I wanna watch.” ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2025, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5815 "2025-02-07T15:30:02Z")
My version: When I was ten, my dad asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I said, ‘I want a watch!’ So he let me. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2025, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5816 "2025-02-07T21:54:39Z")
I was so bored I memorized seven pages of the dictionary. I learned next to nothing. mmm ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2025, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5817 "2025-02-08T05:16:26Z")
**A wife was dying with her husband by her side.** She said in a tired voice, ‘There’s something I need to confess.’ He said "Shhh… There’s nothing to confess. It’s all right., She said "No, I must die in peace… So I have to tell you: I had sex with your brother, your best friend and your father.’ He said ‘I know. That’s why I poisoned you. Now close your eyes, Honey.’ ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2025, 7:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5818 "2025-02-08T07:31:46Z")
If a psychiatrist puts you in a straight jacket. You’ve been shrink wrapped. “I fired the janitor for smoking pot.” “Why would you do that?” “Because I can’t stand high maintenance people.” My wife makes us put $5 in the “find jar” every time we make her find something we can’t locate in the house. After 13 months of ‘saving’, today we’re buying a Ford Explorer. “I actually know a lot of jokes in sign language.” “That’s interesting.” “And I guarantee no one has ever heard them.” ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2025, 8:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5819 "2025-02-08T08:07:38Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_100,w_100,c_scale/v200/827d03b4-a593-4bbf-8336-ade2d638c15d) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_100,w_100,c_scale/v200/827d03b4-a593-4bbf-8336-ade2d638c15d) ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2025, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5820 "2025-02-08T14:28:54Z")
My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself. I often wonder who Pete is and why we do things for his sake. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2025, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5821 "2025-02-08T18:42:22Z")
Most people think T-Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2025, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5822 "2025-02-08T20:56:14Z")
Not sure where to put this - Australian travel thread? But here goes. [![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_66,w_100,c_scale/v200/7bc83bd7-6c30-4496-bba7-a644880a7d60) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_66,w_100,c_scale/v200/7bc83bd7-6c30-4496-bba7-a644880a7d60) ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2025, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5823 "2025-02-08T21:02:00Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_71,w_100,c_scale/v200/996ebab8-8b29-45ad-bacd-7aecd2d1d86b) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_71,w_100,c_scale/v200/996ebab8-8b29-45ad-bacd-7aecd2d1d86b) ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2025, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5824 "2025-02-09T00:36:57Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_100,w_83,c_scale/v200/c68dd061-791a-4f87-84c3-4901292b242d) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_100,w_83,c_scale/v200/c68dd061-791a-4f87-84c3-4901292b242d) ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2025, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5825 "2025-02-09T02:30:48Z")
ANY sequel to Nosferatu HAS to be named Nosferathree… Who will stand with me on principle…? ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2025, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5826 "2025-02-09T03:07:59Z")
**Did you hear there’s going to be a sequel to Akira Kurosawa’s _Ran_?** It’s called _Also Ran_. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2025, 11:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5827 "2025-02-09T11:44:36Z")
I enjoyed the prequel, _Run_. mmm ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2025, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5828 "2025-02-10T04:15:51Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/73c47912-8825-4198-8e02-7789abad5e16) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/73c47912-8825-4198-8e02-7789abad5e16) ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2025, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5829 "2025-02-10T15:27:37Z")
### While I was deployed my girlfriend left me for a tractor salesman. She sent me a John Deere letter. * * * ### Why did Barty Crouch, Jr. stop drinking? It was making him Moody. * * * ### If a university opened a Department of Penis Studies . . . . . . would it have a endowed chair? * * * ### Do you know Colonel Mustard’s first name? Turns out it’s Dijonathan. * * * ### A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! “Help me dear,” she groans to her husband. The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. “I’m dying here and you’re putting?” “Don’t worry dear,” says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you. “Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” she asks feebly. “No time at all,” says her husband. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.” ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2025, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5830 "2025-02-10T16:14:00Z")
Hey Prof.P, all the best to Mrs.P! Apologies for the belated well wishes, but I was away on vacation last week. * * * **As part of my continuing New Year’s Resolutions, I’m limiting my drinking to days that start with a ‘T’-- Tuesday, Thursday…** …today, tomorrow, Thaturday, Thunday… ---
**Author:** ![Digital\_is\_the\_new\_Analog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a88e4f/32.png) [@Digital\_is\_the\_new\_Analog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Digital_is_the_new_Analog)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2025, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5831 "2025-02-11T01:36:01Z")
> [@solost](#): > > Hey Prof.P, all the best to Mrs.P! Apologies for the belated well wishes, but I was away on vacation last week. Totally missed it while I was on vacation myself. Best wishes to the P family! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=290) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=292)