# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 293
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2025, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5852 "2025-02-16T03:56:44Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_100,w_80,c_scale/v200/050eac4e-0b5e-4ba8-bd7e-1bb7a3849a36) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_100,w_80,c_scale/v200/050eac4e-0b5e-4ba8-bd7e-1bb7a3849a36) ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2025, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5853 "2025-02-16T04:29:03Z")
Valentine’s Day is so commercial, let’s not lose track of the real meaning of this special day. The day native Hawaiians stabbed British Captain James Cook right in f#&%%g colonizing neck on February 14, 1779. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2025, 6:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5854 "2025-02-16T06:09:25Z")
> [@smithsb](#): > > People who take naps are the real heros, it takes courage to wake up twice in the same day. Twice? _ **Twice?** _ Try six times. Whoops, make it seven. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2025, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5855 "2025-02-16T18:53:52Z")
My neighbor can’t afford his water bill." “Send him a, Get Well Soon card.” You ever think about how Obama is the only president the US has ever had who was born after 1946? I don’t think about it much because I just found out about it. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2025, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5856 "2025-02-16T20:01:47Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_100,w_100,c_scale/v200/320f1085-7c06-43fb-b9ed-69cfcbdd4a73) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_100,w_100,c_scale/v200/320f1085-7c06-43fb-b9ed-69cfcbdd4a73) ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2025, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5857 "2025-02-16T22:35:05Z")
### “People who sell meat are gross.” I think people who sell fruit & vegetables are grocer. * * * ### Today I learned that poetry doesn’t always have to rhyme. I’m a poet and didn’t realize it. * * * ### Sundays are like muffins. Enjoy them before the weekdays consume them. * * * ### What kind of doctor was Dr. Pepper? A fizzician. * * * ### High Quality Poem Error 404 Your Haiku could not be found Try again later ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2025, 7:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5858 "2025-02-17T07:38:33Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/c023d1bd-4e08-413d-abed-c8600d0f4ee2) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/c023d1bd-4e08-413d-abed-c8600d0f4ee2) ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2025, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5859 "2025-02-17T14:53:25Z")
### What did they call George Washington’s false teeth? Presidentures. * * * ### What does the Stature of Liberty stand for? It can’t sit down. * * * ### "People say I’m indecisive,… …but I don’t know about that." - George H.W. Bush * * * #### "Blessed are the Young,… for they shall inherit the National Debt." - Herbert Hoover * * * ### "Did you ever think that making a speech on economics… is a lot like pissing down your leg?” - Lyndon B. Johnson ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2025, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5860 "2025-02-17T20:52:03Z")
**What comes before a seagull?** A beagle. ---
**Author:** ![Pheoinix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7993a0/32.png) [@Pheoinix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pheoinix)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2025, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5861 "2025-02-18T00:33:08Z")
What’s ET short for? Because he has tiny legs ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2025, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5862 "2025-02-18T19:20:25Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### "Did you ever think that making a speech on economics… > > is a lot like pissing down your leg?” > > - Lyndon B. Johnson This feels like it’s missing the punchline… Something like “It makes you feel all warm inside, but everyone else thinks you stink”. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2025, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5863 "2025-02-18T22:58:29Z")
The actual end of the quote is: “…_.it seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else_.” (which is inferior to @Chronos’ version) mmm ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2025, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5864 "2025-02-18T23:58:30Z")
**Doing a good job at this place is like wetting yourself in dark pants.** You get a warm feeling, but nobody notices. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2025, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5865 "2025-02-19T01:38:24Z")
Jesus: “Love everyone no matter what.” Conservative Christian: “What if they have different skin color?” Jesus: “Yes, even if they ask stupid questions.” “How much does your wife usually spend on a bottle of wine?” “About 20 minutes.” I love how being an adult is repeatedly saying, “But after this week, things should slow down a bit.” …until you die. “0 catches, 0 yards, and 2 drops in the first half doesn’t put fuel in the jet, TRAVIS.” ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2025, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5866 "2025-02-20T18:18:17Z")
A couple woke up to discover two dozen eggs missing from their refrigerator and a pot of warm water left on the stove. Police suspect poachers. ---
**Author:** ![dtilque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d6d6ee/32.png) [@dtilque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dtilque)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2025, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5867 "2025-02-20T19:23:03Z")
> [@BobLibDem](#): > > Police suspect poachers. Sounds like some hardboiled criminals to me. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2025, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5868 "2025-02-20T19:32:35Z")
Hey, if some hardboiled criminals broke into my house, held me up at gunpoint, and demanded to cook my eggs, omelette them help themselves. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2025, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5869 "2025-02-20T20:00:14Z")
**I just got my penis caught in my zipper.** God, it hurts. No more zip-up boots for me! ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2025, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5870 "2025-02-20T20:05:26Z")
Capitalists: “There’s a worker shortage.” Workers: “Scarcity increases value.” Capitalists: “Wait, wait, what?” Defibrillators rarely fail. But when they do. No one is shocked. Find the bottom right corner of an Excel spreadsheet. Depending on version, it might be XFD1048576. Pro tip: Change the font to white and put a zero there. Someone tries to print the document and it will eat a ream of paper. ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2025, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5871 "2025-02-21T00:43:55Z")
You guys need the **More Yolks** thread. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=292) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=294)