# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 298
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2025, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5952 "2025-03-12T17:51:15Z")
Inquisitive alien woman, “What does this button do?” Worf, “It warns the captain about annoying visitors on the bridge,” Woman, “Does it work?” Worf, “Well, he’s not here, is he?” “Another wooden ball!” “Would it kill the avocado makers to include a different toy? Like a mood ring or a novelty eraser?” _I see Johnny LA did one similar_. Stop hating on lazy people! We didn’t even do anything. Guy gets examined at the Doctor’s office. Doc, “I’m afraid you’re going to need an operation to remove this cyst.” Patient, “I want a second opinion.” Doc, “You’re ugly and have really bad body odor.” ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2025, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5953 "2025-03-12T18:52:58Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Me: Father forgive me for I have sinned. I cannot stop thinking about Bare Naked Ladies. > > Priest: I see. How long has it been since your last confession? > > Its been… Gonna need a little help with this one. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2025, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5954 "2025-03-12T19:09:44Z")
The band Barenaked Ladies has a song called ‘One Week’ that starts out: _It’s been one week since you looked at me_ …with kind of an emphasis on the ‘It’s been’ part. [It’s been a bit of a meme](https://www.google.com/search?q=it%27s+been+barenaked+ladies+meme&client=firefox-b-1-d&sca_esv=5112c3a901f3f3de&udm=2&biw=1846&bih=983&ei=VtvRZ6GxMdWcptQP78yuWA&ved=0ahUKEwihtOXInoWMAxVVjokEHW-mCwsQ4dUDCBE&uact=5&oq=it%27s+been+barenaked+ladies+meme&gs_lp=EgNpbWciH2l0J3MgYmVlbiBiYXJlbmFrZWQgbGFkaWVzIG1lbWVI4CBQpAVY6RdwAXgAkAEAmAFtoAGdCKoBBDE1LjG4AQPIAQD4AQGYAgGgAkTCAggQABgHGAgYHpgDAIgGAZIHATGgB9QM&sclient=img). ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2025, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5955 "2025-03-13T00:19:37Z")
[![](https://s.yimg.com/ny/api/res/1.2/6olEKGzFAe_wmHFi0FYmBQ--/YXBwaWQ9aGlnaGxhbmRlcjt3PTY0MDtoPTM0Nw--/https://media.zenfs.com/en/aol_bored_panda_979/deaaf91baa5ba2a27d248f2feef104c7) ](https://s.yimg.com/ny/api/res/1.2/6olEKGzFAe_wmHFi0FYmBQ--/YXBwaWQ9aGlnaGxhbmRlcjt3PTY0MDtoPTM0Nw--/https://media.zenfs.com/en/aol_bored_panda_979/deaaf91baa5ba2a27d248f2feef104c7) ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2025, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5956 "2025-03-13T22:26:28Z")
OK, my brain just spit this out a minute ago. **How does Elon Musk tie his shoes?** In little knotsies. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2025, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5957 "2025-03-14T00:12:01Z")
### New Teslas don’t come with a new car smell. They come with an Elon Musk. * * * ### What happened when the escalator broke down? Everyone stopped and staired! * * * ### What’s the difference between weasel and a stoat? A weasel is weaselly recognised but a stoat is stoatally different. * * * ### How do you cure someone from steroid abuse? You give them the anti-dope. * * * ### What do you give an elephant when it has diarrhea? A lot of space. ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2025, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5958 "2025-03-14T15:28:01Z")
> [@solost](#): > > The band Barenaked Ladies has a song called ‘One Week’ that starts out: > > _It’s been one week since you looked at me_ > > …with kind of an emphasis on the ‘It’s been’ part. [It’s been a bit of a meme](https://www.google.com/search?q=it%27s+been+barenaked+ladies+meme&client=firefox-b-1-d&sca_esv=5112c3a901f3f3de&udm=2&biw=1846&bih=983&ei=VtvRZ6GxMdWcptQP78yuWA&ved=0ahUKEwihtOXInoWMAxVVjokEHW-mCwsQ4dUDCBE&uact=5&oq=it%27s+been+barenaked+ladies+meme&gs_lp=EgNpbWciH2l0J3MgYmVlbiBiYXJlbmFrZWQgbGFkaWVzIG1lbWVI4CBQpAVY6RdwAXgAkAEAmAFtoAGdCKoBBDE1LjG4AQPIAQD4AQGYAgGgAkTCAggQABgHGAgYHpgDAIgGAZIHATGgB9QM&sclient=img). It’s been too long since I heard the Babylon 5 filk of that song. I can’t remember most of the words. Time to look for it. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2025, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5959 "2025-03-14T15:48:41Z")
My husband is an angel." “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.” Before the internet, we thought the village had one idiot. Wow, we did not have that right! “I have a phone interview today.” “Just be yourself.” “Alright, then I’m not going to answer the call.” Nurse, “James, do you smoke, drink, or use drugs?” James, “Yeah, I’m down for whatever. We should hangout sometime…” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2025, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5960 "2025-03-14T15:51:21Z")
Would that be _Five Years_ by Tom Smith? I haven’t heard that in forever. * * * ### My friend asked me to wait one scrotosecond. I asked what that was and they said “The length of time that getting kicked in the nuts is pleasurable.” * * * ### My wife said, “Whatcha doing today?” I said, “Nothing.” She said, “You did that yesterday.” I said, “I wasn’t finished.” * * * ### If 69 is a position, what is 68? A preposition. * * * ### What’s common between AI and schizophrenia? The voices keep getting more real. * * * ### Harry Potter had his mother’s eyes But his father’s eyesight ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2025, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5961 "2025-03-14T22:48:36Z")
**‘Iliad’ comes from Ilion, an archaic name for the city of Troy, through the Greek phrase ‘Ilias poiesis’, which means ‘Story of Troy’.** So _The Iliad_ can be called _Troy Story_. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2025, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5962 "2025-03-16T00:27:50Z")
### Eating too much cake is the sin of gluttony However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero. * * * ### What did Yoda say when the bakery was out of Pies? Dough. Or Doughnut. There is no Pie. * * * ### I saw Vanilla Ice at Madison Square Garden. He sold me a hot dog. * * * ### What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck. * * * ### A man walks into a store in a town in Venezuela and surveys the empty shelves. “Wow! You don’t have _any_ meat?” “No,” replied the clerk. “We don’t have any fish. It’s the store across the street that doesn’t have any meat.” ---
**Author:** ![Orville\_mogul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/aeb1de/32.png) [@Orville\_mogul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Orville_mogul)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2025, 12:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5963 "2025-03-16T12:38:52Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### I read an article on the Top 10 Facts about Diarrhea. > > No. 2 will really surprise you I would have loved it if this were a real clickbait article! ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2025, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5964 "2025-03-16T14:07:19Z")
### What do exploding pandas eat? Bamboom. * * * ### What do you call an Irish gunslinger who can kill 5 people with one bullet? Rick O’Shea. * * * ### A history teacher broke the record for worlds longest orgasm. He said it was a long time coming, also… He left a big mark in the history books. * * * ### "The proof that we don’t understand death… …is we give dead people a pillow." - Jerry Seinfeld * * * ### "Do you know what I love most about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that’s just in the hot dogs." - David Letterman ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2025, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5965 "2025-03-16T21:35:00Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/58b9419a-3534-4897-8602-29378185cbbc) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/58b9419a-3534-4897-8602-29378185cbbc) ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2025, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5966 "2025-03-16T21:35:59Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_100,w_90,c_scale/v200/a0c48c4b-c6ac-4c4b-9cd9-5fad401bca83) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_100,w_90,c_scale/v200/a0c48c4b-c6ac-4c4b-9cd9-5fad401bca83) ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2025, 1:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5967 "2025-03-17T13:11:48Z")
### “If you were stranded on a desert island, who would you most like to be stranded with?” “My Uncle Joe.” “What’s so special about your Uncle Joe?” “He’s got a boat.” * * * ### The bartender said, “Your glass is empty. Would you like another?” The customer says, “Now, why would I want two empty glasses?” * * * ### Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life when Murphy asked, “If you had to get one or the other, would you instead get Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s? “Sure, I rather have Parkinson’s”, replied Sean. “‘Tis better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!” * * * ### On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant knows nothing about golf and greets him in a typical Irish manner, utterly unaware of who the golfing pro is. Top of the mornin’ to yer, Sir,” says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall from his shirt pocket onto the ground. “What are dose? asks the attendant. “They’re called tees,” replies Tiger. “Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman. “They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger. _“Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW_ thinks _of everything_". * * * ### A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says cruises on Liffey River – $100. He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him into the river. Another man walking down the street a half-hour later sees the sign and pays the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him into the river. Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together, and the first man asks, “Do you think they’ll serve any food on this cruise?” The second man says, “I don’t think so. They didn’t do it last year.” ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2025, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5968 "2025-03-17T13:51:17Z")
So how have you been coping with everything?" "With sarcasm mostly. " “Has that been working out?” “Yeah, it’s been super great.” “Hey, good morning beautiful. What’s up?” “My standards. You should leave now.” “AI will never replace my job.” “Why?” “I’m unemployed.” “Look! A shooting star. Make a wish!” “I did. But you are still here!” “My body is a temple.” “Mine is a catholic church because it’s filled with wine, bread, and guilt.” Diner, “Can I ask about the menu please?” Waiter, “The men I please are none of your business.” When a parent tells me that their child is an angel; I think, so was Lucifer. Bones, “Jim, I heard you had sex with a Brazilian women?” Jim, “Probably. How many is a Brazilian?” Should this tariff kerfuffle with Canada go to far; Canada can cut off US access to Pornhub, a Canadian owned site. ---
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2025, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5969 "2025-03-17T14:41:10Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life when Murphy asked, “If you had to get one or the other, would you instead get Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s? > > “Sure, I rather have Parkinson’s”, replied Sean. “‘Tis better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!” There’s a legend that says that when you die you’re suspended upside down in a barrel of all the whiskey you’ve ever spilled. And if you drown, to hell with you. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2025, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5970 "2025-03-17T17:47:11Z")
If your wife dreams that you’re fooling around with another woman, you should because, as a husband, you’re supposed to make all her dreams come true. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2025, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/5971 "2025-03-17T19:49:03Z")
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey”. Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=297) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=299)