# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Dead\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9fc29f/32.png) [@Dead\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dead_Cat)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2020, 11:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/41 "2020-03-06T11:15:03Z")
> [@Wallaby](#): > > My Grandfather died because we didn’t know his blood type to arrange a transfusion. His last words were ‘Be positive’ - gee, he was an inspiration. You reminded me of this one: My friend left me his epi pen - he gave it to me just before he died. It seemed very important to him that I have it. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2020, 1:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/42 "2020-03-06T13:17:59Z")
Why do squirrels have such little balls? Because surprisingly few of them now how to dance. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2020, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/43 "2020-03-07T17:29:41Z")
Q. Why did the duck cross the road? A. It was the chicken’s day off. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2020, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/44 "2020-03-07T17:32:37Z")
Fucking double posting time outs! ---
**Author:** ![Monty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/monty/32/47_2.png) [@Monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monty)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2020, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/45 "2020-03-08T02:51:04Z")
Here are a few of my favorite [del]things[/del] jokes. > [@Author Unknown](#): > > Two guys, Hank and Howard, go hunting in the mountains. Hank sees game and lines up his shot, then he drops his rifle and grabs his chest. He shouts to Howard, “I’m having a heart attack. Call 9-1-1!” Then he passes out. > > Howard calls 9-1-1 and hears, “9-1-1. What is your emergency?” > > Howard tells the operator, “My friend just had a heart attack. I don’t know what to do. You have to help. I think he’s dead.” > > The 9-1-1 operator replied, “Okay, sir. We can help you. Please calm down. You think he’s dead? Please make sure.” > > - B A N G \* > > “Okay, what’s the next step?” > [@Author Unknown](#): > > Steve had suffered from blinding headaches for many years, since his late teens. He decided to try one last time to remedy his situation, and went to see a headache specialist. > > The doctor said, “Good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.” > > Steve was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. > > When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. > > As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and > thought, “That’s what I need a new suit.” Steve entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.” > > The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see … size 44 long.” > > Steve’ laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?” > > “Been in the business 60 years!” > > Steve tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Steve admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?” > > Steve thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.” > > The salesman eyed Steve and said, “Let’s see … 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck.” > > Steve was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?” > > “Been in the business 60 years!” > > Steve tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Steve adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?” > > Steve was on a roll and said, “Sure.” > > The salesman eyed Steve’s feet and said, “Let’s see…9-1/2 E.” > > Steve was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?” > > “Been in the business 60 years!” > > Steve tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. As Steve walked comfortably around the shop the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?” > > Steve thought for a second and said, “Sure.” > > The salesman stepped back, eyed Steve’s waist and said, “Let’s see size 36.” > > Steve laughed, “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn size 32 since I was 18 years old.” > > The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 32. A 32 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.” > [@Isaac Asimov](#): > > It was extremely unusual for a Foy to be dying on Earth. They were the highest social class on their planet (with a name which was pronounced – as nearly as Earthly throats could make the sounds – Sortibackenstrete) and were virtually immortal. > > Every Foy, of course, came to voluntary death eventually, and this one had given up because of an ill-starred love affair, if you can call it a love affair where five individuals, in order to reproduce, must indulge in a year-long mental contact. Apparently, he himself had not fit into the contact after several months of trying, and it had broken his heart – or hearts, for he had five. > > All Foys had five large hearts and there was speculation that it was this that made them virtually immortal. > > Maude Briscoe, Earth’s most renowned surgeon, wanted those hearts. “It can’t be just their number and size, Dwayne,” she said to her chief assistant. “It has to be something physiological or biochemical. I must have them.” > > “I don’t know if we can manage that,” said Dwayne Johnson. “I’ve been speaking to him earnestly, trying to overcome the Foy taboo against dismemberment after death. I’ve had to play on the feeling of tragedy any Foy would have over death away from home. And I’ve had to lie to him, Maude.” > > “Lie?” > > “I told him that after death, there would be a dirge sung for him by the world-famous choir led by Harold J. Gassenbaum. I told him that by Earthly belief this would mean that his astral essence would be instantaneously wafted back, through hyperspace, to his home planet of Sortib-what’s its name – provided he would sign a release allowing you, Maude, to have his hearts for scientific investigation.” > > “Don’t tell me he believed that horse excrement!” said Maude. > > “Well, you know this modern attitude about accepting the myths and beliefs of intelligent aliens. It wouldn’t have been polite for him not to believe me. Besides, the Foys have a profound admiration for terrestrial science and I think this one is a little flattered that we should want his hearts. He promised to consider the suggestion, and I hope he decides soon, because he can’t live more than another day or so, and we must have his permission by interstellar law, and the hearts must be fresh and – Ah, his signal.” > > Dwayne Johnson moved in with smooth and noiseless speed. > > “Yes?” he whispered, unobtrusively turning on the holographic recording device, in case the Foy wished to grant permission. > > The Foy’s large, gnarled, rather tree-like body lay motionless on the bed. The bulging eyes palpitated (all five of them) as they rose, each on its stalk, and turned toward Dwayne. The Foy’s voice had a strange tone and the lipless edges of his open, round mouth did not move, but the words formed perfectly. His eyes were making the Foyan gesture of assent as he said: > > “Give my big hearts to Maude, Dwayne. Dismember me for Harold’s choir. Tell all the Foys on Sortibackenstrete that I will soon be there --” ---
**Author:** ![Bayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bayaker/32/3454_2.png) [@Bayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bayaker)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2020, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/46 "2020-03-08T17:44:42Z")
A couple groaners that I remember: A frog goes into this bank and hops up to the loan officer’s desk. The loan officer says: “Hello I’m John Paddywack, can I help you?” The frog says: “Yes I’d like a loan.” The officer decides to humor the frog and takes a form out of his desk and says: “OK what is your last name?” To which the frog replies “Jagger.” The officer, still doubting the frog’s veracity says, “Well, Mr. Jagger, do you have any collateral?” The frog pulls out a small pink ceramic elephant and hands it to Mr Paddywack asking if can he use this? The loan officer, barely able to contain himself, but still humoring the frog says: “Well, I’m not sure. Excuse me for a minute; I’ll have to consult with the bank president.” The frog says: “Oh, he knows my dad, tell him Mick sends his regards.” In the president’s office John shows the object, and says, there’s a frog out here who wants a loan and this is all he has for collateral and I don’t even know what it is. The bank president responded that it was obvious to him, adding: “It’s a knickknack, Paddywack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.” And: Gabby Crab and Sam Clam were best friends. They did everything together. The only difference between them is that Gabby was the nicest Crab ever, never lying, cheating, or stealing, abut Sam, well he did all of that and more. But Gabby and Sam really enjoyed each other’s company did everything together. They even died together when Sam crashed his car while high and drunk. Gabby went to heaven and Sam went to hell. Gabby was doing well in heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said “Gabby, you know you are the nicest Crab we ever had up here. Everyone likes you but you seem to be a bit depressed. Tell me what is bothering you, maybe I can help.” Gabby said, “Well, don’t get me wrong Pete, I like it up here and everything, but I really miss my good friend Sam Clam. We used to do everything together and I really miss him a lot.” St. Peter looked at Gabby with pity and said to him, “I tell you what, I can arrange it so that you can go down to hell tomorrow and visit Sam all day. How would that sound?” This made Gabby very happy and he got up bright and early the next morning and grabbed his wings, his harp, and his halo and got in the elevator to hell. When the doors opened he was met by Sam. They hugged each other and they went off to have a Hell of a good time. Gabby found out that Sam was running Hell’s discotheque, and they spent the day there together, reminiscing and having fun. At the end of the day Gabby and Sam went back to the elevator together said their goodbyes and Gabby got back in the elevator and went up to heaven. He stepped off the elevator and was greeted by St. Peter who blocked the doorway to heaven. He looked at Gabby and said, “Gabby Crab, didn’t you forget something?” Gabby looked around and said “No, I don’t think so I have my halo and my wings.” St. Peter looked at him and said, “Yes, but what about your harp?” Gabby gasped and said, "I Left My Harp in Sam Clam’s Disco”. ---
**Author:** ![Peter\_Morris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peter_morris/32/359_2.png) [@Peter\_Morris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peter_Morris)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2020, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/47 "2020-03-08T19:19:15Z")
I left my heart in San Francisco My kidney in Japan I left my liver on the Yellow River Now I’m only half a man. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2020, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/48 "2020-03-08T19:21:38Z")
Far side cartoon: As Dr. Frankenstein is getting off the plane, he realizes he’s left his brain in San Francisco. ---
**Author:** ![RioRico](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f04885/32.png) [@RioRico](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RioRico)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2020, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/49 "2020-03-08T22:58:16Z")
♫ I’m looking over My dead dog, Rover I ran over with the power mower. One leg is missing, The second is gone; The third one’s in pieces all over the lawn. No need explaining The one remaining Is stuck to my neighbor’s door. I’m looking over My dead dog, Rover I ran over with the power mower! ♫ ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2020, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/50 "2020-03-08T23:46:24Z")
Far Side cartoon: Popeye is sitting in the witness box in court being cross-examined. The prosecutor says, “Mr. Popeye, you deny committing the murder, yet your pipe was found next to the body. What kind of sick monster are you?” Popeye: “I YAM WHAT I YAM!” ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2020, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/51 "2020-03-09T00:16:33Z")
My humble addition to the repertoire, as formulated and told over dinner a few weeks back: Most folks think that cheetahs are the fastest land animal. But recently some scientists tested that out, and it’s not true. They raced cheetahs against different dog breeds, and cheetahs were always faster, until they raced them against dachshunds. You know, those little weiner dogs, with the tiny legs? Every single time, they were faster than the cheetahs! The scientists at first thought something was going on, like maybe the dachshunds were finding a shortcut on the track or something, but they realized that was ridiculous, because Weiners never cheat. And cheetahs never win. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2020, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/52 "2020-03-09T00:18:16Z")
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels ---
**Author:** ![Monty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/monty/32/47_2.png) [@Monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monty)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2020, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/53 "2020-03-09T00:43:32Z")
An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?” Boy yells back “Roll of chicken wire.” Old man says “What you gonna do with that?” Boy says “Gonna catch some chickens.” Old man yells “You damn fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!” Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man’s surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?” Boy yells back “Roll of duck\* tape.” Old man says “What you gonna do with that?” Boy says back “Gonna catch me some ducks.” Old man yells back, “You damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duck tape!” Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man’s amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says “Hey boy, whatcha got there?” Boy says “It’s a pussy willow.” Old man says “Wait up … I’ll get my hat.” \*Yes, there really is [duck tape](https://www.duckbrand.com/products/duck-tape). ---
**Author:** ![Monty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/monty/32/47_2.png) [@Monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monty)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2020, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/55 "2020-03-09T03:56:16Z")
**Branda Lus** : You might want to check out [Post #20](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=22164699&postcount=20) in this thread. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2020, 5:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/56 "2020-03-09T05:52:44Z")
> [@kk\_fusion](#): > > There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand hexadecimal notation, and F the rest. There are two types of people in the world. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2020, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/57 "2020-03-09T05:57:26Z")
> [@Hari\_Seldon](#): > > Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks the first if they want three beers. He answers “I don’t know”. Then he asks the second who replies “I don’t know”. Finally he asks the third who says “yes”. > > Two guys in a balloon have been blown off course and are lost. They spot a few people having a picnic below and dip low enough to ask, “Where are we?” “In a balloon” is the answer. The balloonist says “You must be mathematicians.” “Why yes, how did you know?” “Because your answer is completely correct and utterly useless.” > > A mathematician, a physicist, and a logician are in a train in Scotland and see a black sheep out the window. “Ah” says the physicist, “The sheep in Scotland are black.” The mathematician says, “No, all you can say is that there is at least one black sheep in Scotland.” The logician chimes in “No, all you can infer is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, at least one side of which is black.” A logician is working his second job as an obstetrician and delivers a baby. The mother asks “Is it a boy or a girl?” and the logician answers “Yes.” ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2020, 6:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/58 "2020-03-09T06:27:26Z")
A belated Halloween joke. A woman is handing out candy to trick-or-treaters. She opens the door and finds a small boy who has strings running from his head to his feet. “What are you supposed to be?” “I’m a harp.” "Aren’t you too small to be a harp? “Are you calling me a lyre?” ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2020, 6:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/59 "2020-03-09T06:37:21Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > There are two types of people in the world. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data. There are two types of people in the world. Those who put other people into categories, and those who don’t. ---
**Author:** ![Reno\_Nevada](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Reno\_Nevada](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reno_Nevada)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2020, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/60 "2020-03-09T20:33:32Z")
Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: \*That’s not funny! \* ---
**Author:** ![RioRico](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f04885/32.png) [@RioRico](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RioRico)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2020, 7:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/61 "2020-03-10T07:39:12Z")
The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar. It was tense. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=4)