# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 302
**Author:** ![dtilque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d6d6ee/32.png) [@dtilque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dtilque)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2025, 7:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6032 "2025-03-31T07:40:34Z")
There should be a “hold my beer” there for Tchaikovsky. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2025, 11:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6033 "2025-03-31T11:44:19Z")
I agree; youtube, my phone and discourse were squabling. Just getting the image to post was exhausting. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2025, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6034 "2025-04-01T22:42:40Z")
Y’all are just abbreviating phrases all William Nilliam. ---
**Author:** ![OldOlds](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/a3d4f5/32.png) [@OldOlds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OldOlds)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2025, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6035 "2025-04-02T13:07:07Z")
So today is Trump’s tariff day, which he is calling Liberation Day. I assume that means he’s going to liberate my money from my oppression. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2025, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6036 "2025-04-03T01:43:59Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/01d3ff4b-6792-4d5e-bf2b-6fcadf0beb0a) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/01d3ff4b-6792-4d5e-bf2b-6fcadf0beb0a) ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2025, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6037 "2025-04-03T01:45:29Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_100,w_98,c_scale/v200/0a01f60c-da65-408c-a749-3c40df1f0778) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_100,w_98,c_scale/v200/0a01f60c-da65-408c-a749-3c40df1f0778) ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2025, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6038 "2025-04-03T14:37:50Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_100,w_83,c_scale/v200/4503dcf3-6552-4716-8535-38374f998e80) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_100,w_83,c_scale/v200/4503dcf3-6552-4716-8535-38374f998e80) ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2025, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6039 "2025-04-03T14:41:25Z")
Vampire: “Before I complete your transformation into a vampire, a warning. You will have a weakness. If you are stabbed with a wooden stake through the heart, you will die, permanently.” Willing victim: “Hmm, well I believe that’s a weakness for me already.” Believe it or not; before the internet, people could take your pizza order over the phone, write down your address, and deliver it to your home in less than 30 minutes by using paper maps like some sort of mystical land pirate. My wife yelled down from upstairs, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?” Me, “No…” “How about now?” ---
**Author:** ![CC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f1d935/32.png) [@CC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CC)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2025, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6040 "2025-04-03T15:24:57Z")
Jesus is on the cross and sees Peter at the base of the hill and says “Peter, come here, I want to talk to you.” Peter starts up the hill but the Roman soldiers chase him back down. Again, Jesus says, “Peter, you need to come here. I have something to say to you.” Again, Peter tries to get up the hill but the soldiers see him and chase him back down. A third attempt: “Peter, come up here, I want to talk to you.” This time Peter avoids detection and makes it up the hill. “Yes, Jesus, what do you want to say to me?” “I can see your house from here.” ---
**Author:** ![CC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f1d935/32.png) [@CC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CC)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2025, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6041 "2025-04-03T15:36:40Z")
Granny is walking the seashore with her grandson when a huge wave comes and before she knows it, the kid is gone. “Oh, God, please - bring my boy back to me! Please, I pray you. I’ll go to church every Sunday, I’ll tithe, I’ll do anything to get my baby back. Please, God, send him back to me!” Suddenly, a huge wave comes and - woosh - deposits the kid back on shore right next to Granny. She takes one look at him and says, “He had a hat.” ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2025, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6042 "2025-04-03T16:29:06Z")
> [@CC](#): > > “Oh, God, please - bring my boy back to me! Please, I pray you. I’ll go to church every Sunday, I’ll tithe, I’ll do anything to get my baby back. Please, God, send him back to me!” I thought the punchline was going to be “Never mind, God-- a wave brought him back.” ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2025, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6043 "2025-04-03T16:40:33Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/da29e1a9-7f2e-4c2a-9369-f6f0f7263554) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/da29e1a9-7f2e-4c2a-9369-f6f0f7263554) ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2025, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6044 "2025-04-03T16:55:44Z")
> [@solost](#): > > I thought the punchline was going to be > > “Never mind, God-- a wave brought him back.” So did I: > [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey”. > > Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.” ---
**Author:** ![dtilque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d6d6ee/32.png) [@dtilque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dtilque)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2025, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6045 "2025-04-04T04:22:29Z")
> **[Brittlestar (@brittlestar.com)](https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:cc27itsmwcwy67icckcqzt7h/post/3llwvo42jek22?ref_src=embed&ref_url=https%253A%252F%252Fwww.dailykos.com%252Fstories%252F2025%252F4%252F3%252F2314433%252F-Heard-and-McDonald-Island-Responds-to-Trump-Tariffs)** > > The Prime Minister of the Heard / McDonald Islands Speaks on Trump’s Tariffs ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2025, 10:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6046 "2025-04-05T10:20:43Z")
> There once was a singer of old > Who then broke away from the fold > He won’t give you up > He won’t let you down > And now you’ve been limerickrolled ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2025, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6047 "2025-04-05T14:30:58Z")
### Save the business cards of people you don’t like. If you accidentally hit a parked car, just write “Sorry” on the back and leave it on the windshield. * * * ### I heard a lot of Americans stopped making out. With all the new tariffs they can no longer afford French kissing. * * * ### My doctor’s office called. They said I don’t have arthritis. I have early onset rigor mortis. * * * ### An orchestra is rehearsing. The drummer keeps missing the beats. Frustrated, the conductor sarcastically says, “If a musician is too dumb to play any instrument, they give him two sticks and make him the drummer.” The drummer then answers, “True, and if he is too dumb to do even that, they take one of the sticks away and make him the conductor.” * * * ### The wise man sayeth: "In these dark times remember, ‘This Too Shall Pass’… …but it may pass like a kidney stone." ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2025, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6048 "2025-04-05T15:16:05Z")
Welcome back Professor. [![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/52d31832-96b5-4a88-9221-a9bc8546f371) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/52d31832-96b5-4a88-9221-a9bc8546f371) ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2025, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6049 "2025-04-05T16:23:05Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/3763cab5-5a5c-48b9-9c16-0c31b3b3df1a) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/3763cab5-5a5c-48b9-9c16-0c31b3b3df1a) ---
**Author:** ![thorny\_locust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thorny_locust/32/431_2.png) [@thorny\_locust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thorny_locust)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2025, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6050 "2025-04-05T17:38:18Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### The wise man sayeth: "In these dark times remember, ‘This Too Shall Pass’… > > …but it may pass like a kidney stone." I’m gonna steal that – ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2025, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6051 "2025-04-06T02:19:33Z")
So two hunters are walking in the woods, and one of them collapses, unmoving. The second hunter calls emergency services, saying “Oh my God, my friend is dead! What do I do?” The operator responds, “Calm down. First, make sure that the person in question is actually dead.” The operator hears a gunshot over the phone. “Okay, now what?” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=301) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=303)