# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 309
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2025, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6172 "2025-05-04T18:51:21Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_48,w_100,c_scale/v200/1d7507f9-987b-424b-be89-e91342e3def2) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_48,w_100,c_scale/v200/1d7507f9-987b-424b-be89-e91342e3def2) ---
**Author:** ![Hari\_Seldon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hari_seldon/32/5173_2.png) [@Hari\_Seldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hari_Seldon)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2025, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6173 "2025-05-05T00:55:55Z")
This one is for academics. If I have posted it before, please forgive me. A man walks into a brains store and looks over the selections. The first bin is labeled Assistant professor’s brains, $5/lb. The second is labeled, Associate professor’s brains, $10/lb. The third bin has the label, Full professor’s brains, $15/lb. Finally the fourth says, Dean’s brains, $1000/lb. The man asks the proprietor, "Why are dean’s brains so much more expensive than Professor’s? Proprietor answers, Do you have any idea how many deans we have to slaughter to get a pound of brains? ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2025, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6174 "2025-05-05T01:33:45Z")
I thought, ‘The deans’ brains have never been used.’ ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2025, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6175 "2025-05-05T02:23:44Z")
Alice and Dorothy comparing notes: [![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_100,w_74,c_scale/v200/72418079-7c24-4af0-a2f6-0ec695272a8b) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_100,w_74,c_scale/v200/72418079-7c24-4af0-a2f6-0ec695272a8b) ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2025, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6176 "2025-05-05T02:25:52Z")
Did you know that if you garden naked, your neighbors will build a privacy fence at no cost to you. Follow me for more tips. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2025, 12:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6177 "2025-05-05T12:30:38Z")
The most unintentionally funny/sickening thing I read this weekend. **Russia says willing to help resolve India-Pakistan differences over Kashmir** > **[Russia says willing to help resolve India-Pakistan differences over Kashmir](https://www.jpost.com/international/article-852636)** > > "It was stressed that Russia is ready to act for a political settlement of the situation resulting from the act of terrorism of April 22," the Russian Foreign Ministry said on Telegram. ---
**Author:** ![Hari\_Seldon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hari_seldon/32/5173_2.png) [@Hari\_Seldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hari_Seldon)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2025, 1:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6178 "2025-05-05T13:00:17Z")
Good answer. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2025, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6179 "2025-05-05T13:48:51Z")
### What’s the first amendment in Super Mario’s constitution? Freedom of Peach * * * ### “The Constitution says I have the right to bear arms,” I told the officer and he said, “where’s the rest of the bear?” * * * ### The opposite of “constitution”… …is “prostitution”. * * * ### Someone should tell Trump and his fellow Republicans that the constitution isn’t the Bible: You can’t pick and choose which parts you want to obey. * * * ### Eco-activists, as a protest, splashed paint on a famous Jackson Pollock painting. No-one noticed. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2025, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6180 "2025-05-05T14:43:19Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### “The Constitution says I have the right to bear arms,” I told the officer > > and he said, “where’s the rest of the bear?” “I dumped it in Central Park.” ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2025, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6181 "2025-05-06T17:27:56Z")
A man and his wife are having sex. They’re going at it hot and heavy. Suddenly, they hear a noise: it’s their little son, Timmy, standing in the doorway. Timmy is shocked and runs out of the room. The father says, _I’ll go talk to Timmy_. He goes to Timmy’s room and opens the door and little Timmy is giving it hot and heavy to Grandma. The father says, _Oh, my God!_ and little Timmy says, _Not so funny when it’s **your** mother, is it?_ ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2025, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6182 "2025-05-06T21:01:14Z")
When I was 13, I crashed my bicycle speeding downhill on a gravel road. I got up and rode 5 miles back to my house. Now, if I use the wrong pillow, my back is crooked and screaming for the next two days. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2025, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6183 "2025-05-06T21:02:51Z")
That awkward moment when a zombie, looking for brains, walks right past you. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2025, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6184 "2025-05-07T00:08:30Z")
### A friend of mine just lost his job with the Pepsi corporation. He tested postive for Coke. * * * ### What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick. * * * ### What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. * * * ### If you hated the last Pope because he was too liberal… … I have bad news for you about Jesus. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2025, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6185 "2025-05-07T01:05:00Z")
**90% of the things I worry about, don’t happen.** Worrying works! ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2025, 12:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6186 "2025-05-07T12:24:41Z")
### Fine, I’ll watch _Conclave_. But this marketing campaign has gotten ridiculous. * * * ### Donald Trump was asked what the “J” in Donald J. Trump stood for. He said ‘Genius’. * * * ### 99 critical bugs in the code… 99 critical bugs. Track one down, patch it when found… 100 critical bugs in the code. * * * ### A Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest. “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.” “Well,” answered the Priest, “That’s not a sin.” “But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed.” The Dutchman said. The Priest replied, “I admit that wasn’t good, but you did it for a good cause.” The Dutchman exclaimed “Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question.” “What is it son?” ask the priest. The Dutchman whispered “Do I have to tell him the war is over?” * * * ### The movie theater down the road from my house was robbed of $50,000 last night. The newspaper said that the suspects escaped with 2 large bags of popcorn, 2 candy bars and a large soda. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2025, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6187 "2025-05-08T23:14:51Z")
### Now that there’s a new pope who was born in Chicago, there’s only one unforgivable sin… … putting ketchup on a hot dog. * * * ### Did you hear about the marriage between the girl from Dublin and the boy from New Orleans? It was quite the O’Cajun. * * * ### Rednecks love more races than any other group. Indy 500, Talladega, and Daytona just to name a few. * * * ### Man enters zoo enclosure to feed the tigers… Succeeds. * * * ### I just ate a pizza covered in pepperoni and mushrooms. To be honest, I looked pretty ridiculous. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2025, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6188 "2025-05-09T00:55:17Z")
The new Pope has a degree in mathematics from Villanova. He doesn’t just understand sin. He also understands cos. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2025, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6189 "2025-05-09T02:53:19Z")
Started planning an expensive getaway with my wife. First we take a romantic walk around Costco, free samples are the hors d’oeuvres, a hotdog and drink for the main course, and then hit up the gas station on the way out. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2025, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6190 "2025-05-09T14:14:48Z")
### I caught my son chewing on electrical cords, so of course I had to ground him… …he is doing better currently…conducting himself properly. * * * ### Oh, you don’t like jokes about ghosts having sex with owls? Well, boo-fucking-hoo! * * * ### Why did the art thief’s van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum? Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh. * * * ### They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut - They believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher. * * * ### Why did Prince Eric leave Ariel when she became a human? He was just chasing tail. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2025, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6191 "2025-05-09T17:50:32Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Why did Prince Eric leave Ariel when she became a human? > > He was just chasing tail. I can’t tell you why I read “Prince Eric” as “Prince Andrew,” but there it is… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=308) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=310)