# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 317
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2025, 12:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6332 "2025-06-21T12:30:30Z")
Let me show you how it’s done, say I and A. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2025, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6333 "2025-06-22T01:47:34Z")
You leave out one word from you AI request and… > ---
**Author:** ![pjd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pjd/32/3009_2.png) [@pjd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pjd)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2025, 12:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6334 "2025-06-22T12:10:09Z")
Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in a Facebook post? > **** > > • 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed. > • 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. > • 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. > • 17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions. > • 6 to argue over whether it’s ‘lightbulb’ or ‘light bulb’. > • Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid. > • 22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks. > • 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is ‘lamp’. > • 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that ‘light bulb’ is perfectly correct. > • 49 to post memes and gifs (several are of someone eating popcorn with the words added, “I’m just here for the comments.”) > • 19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page. > • 11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here. > • 12 to post G. > • 8 to ask what G means. > • 16 to post ‘Following’ but there’s 3 dots at the top right that means you don’t have to comment to follow. > • 36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs. > • 15 People to post “I can’t see S$%^!” and use their own light bulbs. > • 2 to say “Quit wasting taxpayers money playing on FB and do your job!” even though posting on FB is exactly the job. > • 6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said “f÷×$” > • 4 to say “Didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”. > • 13 to say “Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs”. > • 1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn’t the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments. > • 50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views. > • 1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again. ---
**Author:** ![dtilque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d6d6ee/32.png) [@dtilque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dtilque)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2025, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6335 "2025-06-22T19:33:39Z")
> [@pjd](#): > > Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in a Facebook post? Things haven’t changed since the Usenet days despite lightbulbs now being LEDs. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2025, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6336 "2025-06-23T15:22:28Z")
### Interviewer: Well, Grandpa, you’ve been married for 60 years. What advice can you give us? Grandpa: Well, it’s like this: On the first day, she’s right. On the second day, she’s right again. And on the third day, I’m wrong. * * * ### A Scotsman Walks Into A Bar While On Holiday In Canada And he says to the barman ‘What is that thing there that you’ve got hanging from the wall?’ And the Canadian behind the bar says ‘That right there sir, is our prized possession, it’s a moose that was killed just over there in my very own back yard.’ The Scotsman slams his beer down on the table in shock and says ‘My God! If that’s a moose then I would love to see the size of your cats.’ * * * ### My Microwave Is a Time Lord Set it for one minute, stare at the last nine seconds, and you’ll have long enough to rethink your life choices, draft a novel, and question the nature of existence—all before it finally beeps. * * * # How Hot Is It? Well, yesterday I saw a bird blow on a worm before he ate it! * * * ### On a scale of 1 to 10, how poor are you? …I don’t even have a scale. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2025, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6337 "2025-06-24T13:47:58Z")
# How hot is it? It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants. It’s so hot even white collar workers are red necks. It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves. It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs. It’s so hot you can’t make a chili dog. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2025, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6338 "2025-06-24T15:19:29Z")
**It’s so hot…** I saw a raccoon boiling a robin in a birdbath. I saw a dog chasing a cat, and they were both on fire. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2025, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6339 "2025-06-25T00:32:46Z")
**In Spanish…** The word for ‘non-binary’ is _no binario_ or _no binaria_… depending on the person’s gender. ---
**Author:** ![Jaycat.again](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jaycat.again/32/11525_2.png) [@Jaycat.again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jaycat.again)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2025, 11:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6340 "2025-06-25T11:56:55Z")
It’s so hot, the priests are defrocking _themselves!_ ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2025, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6341 "2025-06-25T14:26:15Z")
**How are the movies _Titanic_ and _The Sixth Sense_ similar?** Icy dead people. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2025, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6342 "2025-06-25T15:30:36Z")
### God created the heavens and the earth, then said let there be light! Then Keith Richard’s yelled, “Turn it off! I’m trying to sleep!” * * * ### You can’t trust tennis players. Love means nothing to them. * * * ### Where does the Devil buy his steaks? In the deli of the Beast. * * * ### I received a letter of apology that was nothing but a few lines of dots and dashes. Turns out, it was in remorse code. * * * ### A Pharoah asks his three priests to build him a tomb. Each priest consults three stonemasons. Each stonemason hires three overseers. Each overseer enlists three laborers. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me… ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2025, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6343 "2025-06-26T01:20:52Z")
**Why do the French eat such small omelets?** Because to them, one egg is _un oeuf_. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2025, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6344 "2025-06-27T02:02:26Z")
### Just found the absolute worst page in the dictionary What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous. * * * ### Parliament vote on Picasso painting: Eyes to the left: 2 Nose to the right: 1 * * * ### My rock collection isn’t worth much… But it has sedimental value. * * * ### My neighbor grew tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school. His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: “No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back.” * * * ### TIL; JFK bought a lifetime supply of Cuban cigars before he enacted the embargo. The box of cigars lasted LBJ one week. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Winston\_OBoogie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr.winston_oboogie/32/2945_2.png) [@Dr.Winston\_OBoogie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Winston_OBoogie)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2025, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6345 "2025-06-27T03:06:50Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### TIL; JFK bought a lifetime supply of Cuban cigars before he enacted the embargo. > > The box of cigars lasted LBJ one week. And would have lasted Bill Clinton one night ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2025, 11:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6346 "2025-06-27T11:20:54Z")
Many years ago, someone who had apparently been living in a cave on Mars for a while asked me what the significance of cigars were in the Clinton-Lewinsky incidents. My response was “According to Freud, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, but not this time.” ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2025, 11:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6347 "2025-06-27T11:26:19Z")
I Googled “how to light a cigar” and got about a thousand matches. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2025, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6348 "2025-06-27T16:29:08Z")
### How did an ancient Mesopotamian write reports? He sumerized. * * * ### Wimbledon has announced plans to honour Sir Andy Murray with a statue close to Centre Court. The sculpture will show the both sides of the two-time champion: Glorious and British in victory… And Scottish in defeat. * * * ### How Many Marxists Does it Take to Screw in a Light Bulb? None, the light bulb contains within itself the seeds of its own revolution. * * * ### Have you heard about the deaf gynecologist? He just reads lips. * * * ### One day, a lady was weeping and walked into a church, and straight into the confession booth. Lady: Huh… huh…Priest, my husband is dead… Priest: Lady, I understand, I am very sorry for your loss. Lady: Huh…huh… Priest: Did he leave a word for you? Lady: Yes… huh… Priest: What did he said to you? Lady: He said “Please don’t shoot me.” ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2025, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6349 "2025-06-27T16:56:49Z")
A Jewish Mother and her 4-year-old were walking along the beach when suddenly a gigantic wave rolled upon the shore, sweeping the little girl out to sea. “Oh, God,” lamented the mother, her face toward heaven. “This is my only baby. She’s the love; the joy of my life. I’ve cherished every moment with her. Please God! Bring her back to me and I’ll go to synagogue every day!” Suddenly, another gigantic wave rolled upon the beach and deposited the little girl back on the sand, safe and sound. The mother looked up and said, "She was wearing a hat …” +++++ A woman phones the local newspaper: “I’d like to insert an obituary for my late husband.” Newspaper worker: “It costs $5 per word.” The woman pauses, then: “Just say, Sol died.” Worker: “There is a five word minimum.” The woman pauses again: “Sol died, Volvo for sale.” +++++ Two men went out for a walk, when suddenly it began to rain. “Quick,” said one. “Open your umbrella.” “It won’t help,” said his friend. “My umbrella is full of holes.” “Then why did you bring it?” “I didn’t think it would rain!” ---
**Author:** ![Ponderoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponderoid/32/19221_2.png) [@Ponderoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponderoid)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2025, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6350 "2025-06-27T17:22:10Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### TIL; JFK bought a lifetime supply of Cuban cigars before he enacted the embargo. > > The box of cigars lasted LBJ one week. I thought he finished the last one on the way to Dallas. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2025, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6351 "2025-06-27T17:39:55Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Wimbledon has announced plans to honour Sir Andy Murray with a statue close to Centre Court. > > The sculpture will show the both sides of the two-time champion: Glorious and British in victory… > > And Scottish in defeat. Tiger Woods told about how when he first started out, the news stories all said “Black golfer entering the PGA tour”. Then when he started winning, it was “Multiracial golfer”. After a few championships, it was “Woods, who is one quarter black”. But that if he ever found himself in a scandal, it would go straight back to “Black golfer arrested”. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=316) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=318)