# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 321
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2025, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6412 "2025-07-12T04:24:37Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_88,w_100,c_scale/v200/5bb9acfa-a7d3-46ef-aace-8853bff197de) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_88,w_100,c_scale/v200/5bb9acfa-a7d3-46ef-aace-8853bff197de) ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2025, 12:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6413 "2025-07-12T12:42:18Z")
### What are you going to do in the weekend? “I’m going to buy glasses.” “And then what?” “Then I’ll see.” * * * ### A man and his wife went on a weekend trip to the big city Tired of going from shop to shop and arguing with his wife about it, he stands outside the next shop in protest. While waiting a prostitute walks up to him and ask if he wants a quickie in the alley. After thinking it over, he replies: “Well why the hell not. I haven’t tried much in my life and I’m not getting any younger.” He digs through his pockets and pulls out a $5 bill. “This is all I got.” he says and tries to hand it over. “What the hell do you take me for? $5 won’t get you shit” the prostitute replies and walks off. After a while, the wife comes back out and the couple continue down the street. As they pass an alley a woman shouts. “You see. That’s what $5 gets you!” * * * ### People asked me if it rains upside down in Australia. I said: “Yes, but down here, we call it evaporation.” * * * ### The owner of the local cinema died today His funeral is on: Monday 16:45, 18:30, 20:15 Tuesday 15:30, 17:15, 19:00 Wednesday 16:45, 18:30, 20:15 Thursday 16:00, 17:45, 19:30 * * * ### Why can’t you trick an unemployed jester? Because he’s nobody’s fool! ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2025, 5:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6414 "2025-07-13T05:43:35Z")
Klingon movie disclaimer: “Everyone and everything was harmed during the making of this movie.” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2025, 1:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6415 "2025-07-13T13:34:43Z")
### How do you get a million dollars in crypto investing? Start with ten million. * * * ### What is Spider-Man’s side job? Web developer. * * * ### If you’re not a Dad, but you tell Dad jokes… …that makes you a faux pa. * * * ### My friend asked me what the ninth letter of the alphabet was. It was a complete guess, but I was right. * * * ### I have the worst luck. I bought a memory pillow and it has amnesia. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2025, 5:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6416 "2025-07-14T05:37:17Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_100,w_86,c_scale/v200/940dd053-a95b-42dd-9b27-506fedec7a03) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_100,w_86,c_scale/v200/940dd053-a95b-42dd-9b27-506fedec7a03) ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2025, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6417 "2025-07-14T15:14:55Z")
Bonchance! C’est Bastille Day! ### What do they call Independence Day in France? A Royale-free with cheese! * * * ### TIL in France, marijuana is called… Oui’d. * * * ### I tripped in France. Eiffel over. * * * ### What do french fries do when they meet after a long time? They ketchup. * * * ### A man and a woman rotate to the same table in a game of speed dating. “Hi!” says the woman cheerfully, “Just so you know, I’m deaf, but I can read lips. Just talk as you normally do and I’ll let you know if I didn’t catch something. So, what do you do for a living?” “I’m a ventriloquist,” says the man. “What?” says the woman. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2025, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6418 "2025-07-14T15:46:26Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### A man and a woman rotate to the same table in a game of speed dating. > > “Hi!” says the woman cheerfully, “Just so you know, I’m deaf, but I can read lips. Just talk as you normally do and I’ll let you know if I didn’t catch something. So, what do you do for a living?” > > “I’m a ventriloquist,” says the man. > > “What?” says the woman. Okay, that made me laugh a lot. ---
**Author:** ![Wendell\_Wagner](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/8491ac/32.png) [@Wendell\_Wagner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wendell_Wagner)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2025, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6419 "2025-07-14T15:58:24Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### TIL in France, marijuana is called… > > Oui’d. This isn’t just a joke made up here. It’s actually used as a code word for marijuana on some social platforms. i learned this just now because I used Google to look up how the word would be pronounced in French: > **[ouid - Wiktionary, the free dictionary](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/ouid)** ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2025, 12:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6420 "2025-07-15T12:47:15Z")
### I’ve decided to write a book about all of the things I should’ve done in my life. It’s my oughtabiography. * * * ### An arm, a hand, and a leg walk into a bar. The bartender says, “This seems like the setup to a joke… something must be afoot.” * * * ### The Devil told Wolverine he’d like to dress up as Olaf for Halloween. Wolverine replied, “Be Elsa, Bub.” * * * ### If Count Von Count is a vampire who likes numbers, what do you call a vampire who likes words? Count Vernacula. * * * ### I say, I say, what do you call an insightful dinosaur? A philosoraptor. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2025, 1:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6421 "2025-07-15T13:05:35Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### An arm, a hand, and a leg walk into a bar. > > The bartender says, “This seems like the setup to a joke… something must be afoot.” If I were you i’d quit this joke while you’re ahead. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2025, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6422 "2025-07-15T22:56:27Z")
**I applied for Australian citizenship, and they asked me if I have a criminal record.** I didn’t know that was still required! ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2025, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6423 "2025-07-16T15:25:17Z")
### Yesteraday there was an investigation into the local university, that they offer academic degrees for money: “There was no criminal behavior found after all,” said the police officer, Prof. Dr. John Brown, PhD, MD, MBA. * * * ### Someone stole the range from my kitchen, and not only did it make me hopping mad… It made me deranged! * * * ### I say, I say, what do you call a fly without wings? A walk. * * * ### Thought for the day: What if there were no more hypothetical questions? * * * ### What’s a plastic surgeon’s favorite activity at summer camp? Arts and grafts. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2025, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6424 "2025-07-16T15:56:12Z")
**I taught my kids about Democracy last night.** First, we had a vote on what kind of pizza we were going to order for dinner, and which movie to watch afterward. Then, I chose what kind of pizza to order and which movie to watch. Because I’m the one with the money. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2025, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6425 "2025-07-16T20:59:25Z")
**Honey, I want you to have this bracelet. It belonged to my grandmother.** Why does it say ‘Do not resuscitate’ on it? ---
**Author:** ![Railer13](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/railer13/32/9742_2.png) [@Railer13](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Railer13)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2025, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6426 "2025-07-16T21:11:53Z")
> [@Johnny\_L.A](#): > > Why does it say ‘Do not resuscitate’ on it? I heard it as “Why, thanks. But I didn’t know that her initials were DNR.” ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2025, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6427 "2025-07-17T13:44:52Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### I say, I say, what do you call a fly without wings? > > A walk. What do you call a fly with no wings and no legs? A raisin. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Winston\_OBoogie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr.winston_oboogie/32/2945_2.png) [@Dr.Winston\_OBoogie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Winston_OBoogie)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2025, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6428 "2025-07-17T17:32:41Z")
Mouse Poop. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2025, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6429 "2025-07-18T15:00:13Z")
### What do you call two chiropractors who’ve got each other’s backs? Vertebros. * * * ### What do you call a belt made out of lobsters? A waist of good seafood. * * * ### What do you call a Jewish rapper? Doctor Dreidel. * * * ### What do you call a pig with three eyes? Piiig. * * * ### What do you call a hot babe you met at a party that’s blackout drunk? An Uber. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2025, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6430 "2025-07-18T18:30:52Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### What do you call a hot babe you met at a party that’s blackout drunk? > > An Uber. Nice, an anti-sexist joke. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2025, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6431 "2025-07-18T19:01:42Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### What do you call a hot babe you met at a party that’s blackout drunk? > > An Uber. Or, quite possibly, an ambulance… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=320) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=322)