# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 322
**Author:** ![Mark\_Finn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/34f0e0/32.png) [@Mark\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mark_Finn)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2025, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6432 "2025-07-18T21:07:12Z")
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?” A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?” The CEO said, “Wait right here.” He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back..” Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?” From across the room a voice said, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.” ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2025, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6433 "2025-07-18T22:46:39Z")
**What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?** Ham boogers. (I know. Snot funny.) ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2025, 8:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6434 "2025-07-19T08:28:36Z")
I know how it will all end. One of my grandchildren will unplug my life support to charge their phone. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Duality](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mr.duality/32/4098_2.png) [@Mr.Duality](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Duality)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2025, 12:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6435 "2025-07-19T12:23:27Z")
_Is_ funny. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2025, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6436 "2025-07-19T12:44:06Z")
### So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite ‘Maybe next time’ isn’t the correct response. ### Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. ### They used to time me with a stopwatch… now they use a calendar. ### I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila. ### Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2025, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6437 "2025-07-20T03:06:58Z")
**Bear attack tip:** If attacked, play dead. It will be good practice for when you die a few minutes later. ---
**Author:** ![Mark\_Finn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/34f0e0/32.png) [@Mark\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mark_Finn)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2025, 12:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6438 "2025-07-20T12:01:38Z")
**NASA is launching a solar probe.** When asked whether the high temperatures and the brightness of the Sun would be a problem, a spokesman replied “Not a problem - we will only operate the probe at night”. ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2025, 12:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6439 "2025-07-20T12:36:54Z")
> [@Johnny\_L.A](#): > > **Bear attack tip:** > > If attacked, play dead. It will be good practice for when you die a few minutes later. I totally “read” this in reverse: I pictured a bear being attacked by a hunter, and the bear playing dead just before it got shot. Don’t mind me, carry on…. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2025, 1:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6440 "2025-07-20T13:02:17Z")
### First day as a vampire hunter: Wow, this is easy. First night as a vampire hunter: Oh, no. * * * ### Knock, knock. Who’s there? Owls. Owls who? Yes, they do. * * * ### Tickled my little sisters foot last night and mom went crazy about it… Something about waiting until she’s born. * * * ### Did you hear about the cannibal who switched to Spam? He said it’s the greatest thing since sliced Fred. * * * ### What do stylish kangaroos wear? Jumpsuits. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2025, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6441 "2025-07-20T18:39:39Z")
A shark can swim faster than me. I’m sure I can outrun a shark. So in a triathlon, who wins comes down to who’s the better cyclist. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2025, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6442 "2025-07-20T18:42:46Z")
A good thing about having teenagers home for summer break is that you only have to feed them two meals a day because they don’t wake up until noon. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2025, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6443 "2025-07-21T13:44:12Z")
The National Parks service advises hikers to carry pepper spray and to wear bells, to ward off bear attacks. They also advise hikers on how to tell the difference between black bear scat and brown bear scat. The brown bear scat contains bells and smells like pepper. If you’re unsure of what kind of bear is chasing you, climb a tree. If it climbs up after you, it’s a black bear. If it knocks the tree down, it’s a brown bear. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2025, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6444 "2025-07-21T14:44:08Z")
### How do you support a werewolf’s YouTube channel? Lycan subscribe. * * * ### How to get rid of hiccoughs: Hold your breath for 15 minutes. * * * ### My position in baseball in high school: Left Out. * * * ### Caveman and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says “what’s your story?” Caveman says… Bear with me… * * * ### A guy goes into a restaurant wearing a shirt open at the collar. He is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn’t have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant. The bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, “Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don’t start anything.” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2025, 12:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6445 "2025-07-22T12:02:37Z")
### The teacher was testing little Johnny on his numbers. “What comes after 7?” :“8.” “That’s right. What comes after 8?” “9.” “That’s right. What comes after 9?” “10.” “That’s right. Now, what comes after 10?” “The Jack.” * * * ### Racism exists in the oceanographic community. It really does. A black fish kills people and they call it a “killer” whale. A white fish kills people and they still call it the “great” white shark! * * * ### I have started treating other drivers nicely, in the hopes they will respond in kind. I call it “carma”. * * * ### As I was presented my high school diploma, I had a horrific vision of the future. At least 50 years of work ahead of me. * * * ### I tried to get a job selling dollhouses. But it’s hard to get your foot in the door. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2025, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6446 "2025-07-22T13:54:52Z")
**A man orders an Uber. On the way to his destination, he notices, while going through an intersection, the Uber driver has gone straight instead of making a left turn as he should have.** Since the radio is playing, he leans forward and taps the Uber driver on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screams and slams on the brakes. “You scared the hell out of me!” he says, visibly agitated. The driver says “sorry, but why did a simple tap on the shoulder startle you so badly?” “Well, this is my first day as an Uber driver. Before this I drove a hearse for 20 years.” ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2025, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6447 "2025-07-22T22:42:36Z")
I was a passenger in my buddy’s car when he zipped through a red light without even looking. Before I could compose myself to speak, he ran another one. Then, he raced through a third red light. “What the hell?” I asked. “You don’t stop for red lights??” “Nah, my brother drives like that, it’s fine.” Then, to my surprise, he stopped the car at the next red light. “Why are you stopping?”, I asked. “You never know, my brother could be coming the other way.” ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2025, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6448 "2025-07-23T02:42:46Z")
> [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > Then, to my surprise, he stopped the car at the next red light. Green light? ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2025, 8:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6449 "2025-07-23T08:38:52Z")
[![](https://www.rollingstone.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2021/11/SquidGame-doll-news-.jpg) ](https://www.rollingstone.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2021/11/SquidGame-doll-news-.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2025, 12:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6450 "2025-07-23T12:50:46Z")
I don’t get it. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2025, 12:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6451 "2025-07-23T12:58:02Z")
Let’s just say, when the giant scary girl robot thing turns around to face you and says “red light”, [_ **STOP MOVING** _](https://www.youtube.com/shorts/b55Tp39KHTI?feature=share) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=321) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=323)