# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 323
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2025, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6452 "2025-07-23T20:45:36Z")
**My doctor says I’m not eating a balanced diet…that’s absurd.** I eat as many cookies with my left hand as I do with my right! * * * ### A recent scientific study has found pregnant women who use vibrators… are 90% more likely to have a child who stutters. * * * ### I went to a psychic the other day and asked her if I was gonna go to jail in the future….. She said no, so I robbed her. * * * ### Before I die I’m gonna swallow a whole bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation is gonna be epic. * * * ### A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 98.6%… ,are too lazy to actually read that number. ---
**Author:** ![Civil\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d78d45/32.png) [@Civil\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Civil_Guy)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2025, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6453 "2025-07-23T21:14:40Z")
96.45% of all statistics are, um, unreliable. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2025, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6454 "2025-07-25T15:31:43Z")
**Coldplay hasn’t released a new song in years…** Then they make two new singles in one night. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2025, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6455 "2025-07-25T17:14:38Z")
> [@solost](#): > > Then they make two new singles in one night. Or four. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2025, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6456 "2025-07-26T00:37:36Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_94,w_100,c_scale/v200/79183fb2-9a7e-4bab-8235-3e10ab980789) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_94,w_100,c_scale/v200/79183fb2-9a7e-4bab-8235-3e10ab980789) ---
**Author:** ![Civil\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d78d45/32.png) [@Civil\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Civil_Guy)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2025, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6457 "2025-07-26T00:45:39Z")
…till you _dieee_ ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2025, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6458 "2025-07-26T00:46:32Z")
### I say, I say, how do you season a tiny baked potato? Sparsley. * * * ### When Lord Nelson died he was 5ft 4". His statue, on top of the column in Trafalgar Square, is 18ft. That’s Horatio of about 3:1. * * * ### I lost my dictionary. My wife asked if i had looked upstairs. I replied that I couldn’t look up anything. * * * ### Have you met Eric? He’s a genie. He’s not special or anything. He’s just Djinn Eric. * * * ### My first job was as a mannequin in a clothing store window. I was very good at it. I held that position for a long time. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2025, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6459 "2025-07-26T13:40:01Z")
### I love summer in Scotland… This year it was a Wednesday. * * * ### Word on the Street is, Cookie Monster has COVID… It’s the Om nom nom nomicron variant. * * * ### “What are the broken condoms doing on the couch?!” “Our children have names, Harold!” * * * ### Accordion to one study people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument… But I don’t believe that tuba true. * * * ### I haven’t kept up my subscription to the National Scrabble Club. Now they’re sending me threatening letters. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2025, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6460 "2025-07-26T15:54:41Z")
**I brought my therapist to a family gathering.** **Me:** See? **Therapist:** Oh. my. _God!_ ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2025, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6461 "2025-07-26T20:42:14Z")
So if the characters from Bonanza were at a modern supermarket, and Hoss took one of those tiny wet towels for cleaning your basket handle, that would be a Cartwright with a Cart Wipe, right? Well, you have to clean it off where something leaked on it from the last shopper and spoiled, else your cart’s ripe. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2025, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6462 "2025-07-27T03:41:06Z")
“So Naked Hiking means no maps, no GPS, no music, no distractions. Probably should have looked that one up first…” ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2025, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6463 "2025-07-27T04:41:11Z")
With Gilead taking over the world, here are a few characters to look out for, and what to do with/about them: OfElon - Straight into Te Slammer OfErn - Make Fronds OfOzzie - Bear With OfLloyd - Meet with Pink OfAlec - A Prick OfRick - Dammit! ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2025, 7:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6464 "2025-07-27T07:32:57Z")
A girl named IKEA had to change her name to stop being picked on at school. Arguably, “Stop being picked on at school” is a worse name. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2025, 1:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6465 "2025-07-27T13:20:19Z")
### A Sunday School teacher said to her children, “We have been learning about how powerful the kings and queens were in Biblical times. But there is a higher power. Who can tell me what it is?” Tommy blurted out, “I know! Aces.” * * * ### The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar. And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times. "Now, said the teacher, “can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?” A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. “To make the gravy.” * * * ### You pray for the hungry. Then you feed them. That’s how prayer works. - Pope Francis * * * ### I rarely find cocaine jokes funny. But occasionally, an one-liner makes me snort. * * * ### My kettle sounds like thunder and rain. I think a storm is brewing. ---
**Author:** ![pjd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pjd/32/3009_2.png) [@pjd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pjd)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2025, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6466 "2025-07-27T13:36:17Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > “To make the gravy.” That would’ve been my guess too ! (what’s the real reason ?) ---
**Author:** ![SuntanLotion](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suntanlotion/32/16165_2.png) [@SuntanLotion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuntanLotion)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2025, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6467 "2025-07-27T13:38:06Z")
So it would be more impressive when it burned up. ---
**Author:** ![Ponderoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponderoid/32/19221_2.png) [@Ponderoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponderoid)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2025, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6468 "2025-07-27T13:41:07Z")
It was a word problem, and the answer is “16” ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2025, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6469 "2025-07-27T13:59:27Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Accordion to one study people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument… > > But I don’t believe that tuba true. If I was to guess how many times it _is_ true, I’d piccolo number. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2025, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6470 "2025-07-27T15:05:51Z")
I have no idea what that joke is talking about. I know Gilead is a region in the Bible, and that Poe referenced it in _The Raven_. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_other_waldo_pepper/32/12370_2.png) [@The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Other_Waldo_Pepper)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2025, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6471 "2025-07-27T15:13:28Z")
Handmaid’s Tale. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=322) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=324)