# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 325
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2025, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6492 "2025-08-01T14:42:56Z")
### I celebrate Halloween in August - When you show up at someone’s door at night in August with a mask on, you get better stuff. * * * ### I just went on a date with a dentist receptionist, it went quite well We’ve arranged a second date for August 24th 2025 at 7:15pm. * * * ### A man walks into a bar and sees a friend at a table, clearly depressed and drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?” “My mother died in August,” his friend replied, “and left me $25,000. Then in September my father died, leaving me $90,000.” “Losing both parents in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.” “And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.” His friend continued. “Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.” “Then this month,” concluded, the friend, “absolutely nothing!” * * * ### I love pie. I could eat it 22/7. * * * ### I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarfs from Snow White. The pay sucks, but I’m not lying when I tell people I make seven figures. ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2025, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6493 "2025-08-02T12:52:51Z")
“Hey Caesar, what’s today’s date?” “8/2, Brutus” “Hey Caesar, how was the lap dance?” “Veni, vidi, veni” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2025, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6494 "2025-08-03T16:30:44Z")
### A man sitting at a bar after work shares with the bartender why he is looking so stressed. “I’m not sleeping well. I have nightmares about a monster under my bed and I am too embarrassed to seek help.” A patron nearby overhears this and introduces himself. “I overheard your story and I am a psychiatrist. Maybe I can help. The first thing is you recognize these are only dreams, and that is obvious so I should be able to help you in a few sessions. Here’s my card, give me a call.” A few weeks pass and the same two are once again at the bar after work. The psychiatrist says to the other guy, “Hi, how goes the nightmares? I never heard from you so I hope you are doing OK.” The other guy says, “Things are great, the bartender helped me.” The psychiatrist, curious, asked him, “The bartender helped you? You needed a trained professional to help you, what could a bartender do that a psychiatrist couldn’t?” The other guy says, “He told me to saw the legs off my bed.” * * * ### So… This one day in Madrid I got sick in a small hotel and had to make a call to the front desk feeling rather ill(thanks in part to traveling with lower Vitamin C), and they said they happened to have a doctor on staff. I thanked them for the information and had the doctor sent to my room to see me for my condition. After he helped me recover I told him that I was amazed that such a small place would have a talented doc on standby. He nodded and confidently said: “NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INN PHYSICIAN!” * * * ### Which mountain is the smartest? Mount Cleverest. * * * ### The Ingenious Gentleman Don Quixote of La Mancha (1605) or simply “Don Quijote” to literature buffs was further adapted to reach a broader, less sophisticated, audience. That’s why you know Don Qui Kong. * * * ### Where does Dracula hold Mass? The Batican. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2025, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6495 "2025-08-03T16:55:19Z")
I liked to watch _Match Game_ when I was a kid. In one episode, Gene Rayburn gives the clue: ‘Donkey [blank].’ Richard Dawson gets up and says to another celebrity, ‘Say “Donkey Hoaty”.) ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2025, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6496 "2025-08-03T16:59:54Z")
Donkey Hodie was a character in _Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood_ as well. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2025, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6497 "2025-08-03T19:52:28Z")
Donkey Hodie is also a kids’ television show on PBS. mmm ETA: (never mind, it probably came from Fred’s show) ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2025, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6498 "2025-08-03T20:33:34Z")
**Captain James T. Kirk:** Bones, why are you always carrying a red crayon around? **Dr. Leonard ‘Bones’ McCoy:** Dammit, Jim! I’m a doctor. Sometimes I need to draw blood! ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2025, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6499 "2025-08-04T00:36:31Z")
**’My cat’s tail fell off, so I bought him a new one.** ‘Where did you buy it?’ ‘At a retail store.’ **My grandfather came back from the war with one leg.** Never did find out whose it was, though. ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2025, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6500 "2025-08-04T01:08:36Z")
When he walked into her room he could see that the blinds were drawn, but the curtains were real. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2025, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6501 "2025-08-04T01:17:15Z")
**Why is it so hard to solve a redneck homicide?** All the DNA matches, and there are no dental records. > [@Askance](#): > > When he walked into her room he could see that the blinds were drawn, but the curtains were real. I’ll need this explained. I see a connection between ‘drawn’ and the crayon (and the punchline), but I don’t know who ‘she’ is. ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2025, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6502 "2025-08-04T02:21:09Z")
It’s just a pun on the two meanings of ‘drawn’ - the implication is she drew them with a pen, pencil or whatever. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2025, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6503 "2025-08-04T02:32:52Z")
Who is ‘she’? The joke only has Kirk and McCoy. ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2025, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6504 "2025-08-04T03:56:07Z")
My joke, or its tattered remnants by now, has nothing to do with the previous joke except it’s another play on ‘draw’. He and She are just generics. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2025, 7:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6505 "2025-08-04T07:56:36Z")
At a couples counseling meeting, the speaker mentioned that couples are so disconnected that 85% of husbands don’t even know their wives’ favorite flower. Mick turned to his wife and whispered: "It’s self-rising, isn’t it? ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2025, 8:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6506 "2025-08-04T08:00:02Z")
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanter her number? He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face. I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2025, 8:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6507 "2025-08-04T08:53:53Z")
I used to work as a proofreader but I was fried for no raisin. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2025, 11:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6508 "2025-08-04T11:46:53Z")
William Shatner has discontinued his new line of lingerie. Apparently, Shatner Panties wasn’t the best choice for a name. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2025, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6509 "2025-08-04T19:46:38Z")
**What’s another word for ‘private investigator’?** Gynecologist. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2025, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6510 "2025-08-06T15:06:37Z")
### I told the tailor I didn’t need any assistance in trying on my tuxedo. He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.” * * * ### How do you join the US Marines? Superglue their uniforms together. * * * ### A poem. “Old Lady Knickers” Roses are red. Violets are blue. Ethels are green. * * * ### I told my cousin not to play Russian Roulette. It went in one ear and out the other. * * * ### A priest, a pastor, an imam, and a rabbi are playing poker. Suddenly, the police burst in, and they quickly hide the cards and chips. Suspiciously, a police officer tells them that they had recieved a tip about illegal gambling happening on the property. He turns to the priest: “You- have you been gambling tonight?” The priest looks to heaven and mutters, “Forgive me, Father” before telling the officer, “No, I have not.” Next, the officer turns to the pastor: “And you- have you been gambling tonight?” The pastor looks to heaven and mutters, “Forgive me, Lord” before telling the officer, “No, I have not.” Then he turns to the imam: “And you, sir- have you been gambling tonight?” The imam looks to heaven and mutters, “Forgive me, Allah” before telling the officer, “No, I have not.” Finnaly, the officer turns to the rabbi: “Well, what about you? Have you have you been gambling tonight?” The rabbi glances at the others before responding, “Gambling? Who with?” ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2025, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6511 "2025-08-07T16:56:33Z")
**She brought her spouse rice porridge and sea fowl in prison** It was a congee gull visit [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=324) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=326)