# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 327
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2025, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6532 "2025-08-10T23:42:17Z")
Therapist: What was your last job? Me: I worked at the zoo. Therapist: Great, and what did you take from that? Me: Definitely not a penguin. Therapist: What? Me: What? ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2025, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6533 "2025-08-11T16:38:44Z")
### “Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?” - Gary Mule Deer * * * ### “I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double. The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me.” - Gary Mule Deer * * * ### “I found a way to make money – I’m disguising myself as a vending machine. People are handing me money and I’m just standing there.” - Gary Mule Deer * * * ### “I am as frustrated with society as a pyromaniac in a petrified forest.” - A. Whitney Brown * * * ### "Plant trees. They give us two of the most crucial elements for our survival: oxygen and books." - A. Whitney Brown ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Winston\_OBoogie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr.winston_oboogie/32/2945_2.png) [@Dr.Winston\_OBoogie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Winston_OBoogie)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2025, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6534 "2025-08-11T17:42:40Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### “Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?” > > - Gary Mule Deer Answer: because the highways aren’t wide enough. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2025, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6535 "2025-08-11T22:05:48Z")
> [@Dr.Winston\_OBoogie](#): > > Answer: because the highways aren’t wide enough. **A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before.** The pilot looked out the windshield, and suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot: “Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I’ve never seen one that short!” The co-pilot looked out the windshield. “Wow! you’re right! That’s incredible! Are you sure we can make it?” “Well we better, we’re almost out of fuel.” So the captain got on the intercom, and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees, and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down, and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control The pilot’s hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying. They touched down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking. “\*Phew! That was _close!_” yelled the captain. “Have you _ever_ seen a runway so _short?_” “No, sir,” said the co-pilot, “But have you ever seen a runway so _wide?_” ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2025, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6536 "2025-08-11T22:32:02Z")
Heh, I was just thinking of that one the other day. But I think it works better in person, so you can put your hand over your eyes and look off into the distance for the “so wide”. ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2025, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6537 "2025-08-11T22:48:51Z")
This year’s best jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe: **[Olaf Falafel](https://www.edfringe.com/tickets/whats-on?search=true&text=olaf%20falafel)**: We named our children War and Peace – it’s a long story. **[Andrew Doherty](https://www.edfringe.com/tickets/whats-on/andrew-doherty-sad-gay-aids-play)**: At my lowest, I was kicked out of the museum for being inappropriate with Michelangelo’s David. I’d hit rock bottom. **[Bella Hull](https://www.edfringe.com/tickets/whats-on/bella-hull-doctors-hate-her)**: I just got a personal trainer. She’s horrible to me but my body goal is a thicker skin. **[Rob Auton](https://www.edfringe.com/tickets/whats-on/rob-auton-can-an-hour-long-story)**: Everyone is worried about AI. I’m more concerned with what the other vowels are up to. **[Ian Smith](https://www.edfringe.com/tickets/whats-on/ian-smith-foot-spa-half-empty)**: People who say bath bombs are relaxing have clearly never tried to carry one home in the rain. **[Amelia Hamilton](https://www.edfringe.com/tickets/whats-on/amelia-hamilton-forget-me-not)**: I love getting Latin chat-up lines. I carpe every DM. **[Sikisa](https://www.edfringe.com/tickets/whats-on/sikisa-serving-justice)**: This spider has been in my house so long, it should pay half the wifi. As a web developer, it can afford to. **[Chris Grace](https://www.edfringe.com/tickets/whats-on?search=true&text=Chris%20Grace)**: I went on a date with a matador but there were too many red flags. **[Candace Bryan](https://www.edfringe.com/tickets/whats-on/candace-bryan-milf-mom-i-d-like-to-find)**: America is like my ex-boyfriend. Our relationship was toxic, when I left everyone called me brave, and now every morning I pull up social media to see how ugly he’s getting. **[Rajiv Karia](https://www.edfringe.com/tickets/whats-on/rajiv-karia-man-alive)**: I’m not nostalgic but I used to be. Those were the days. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2025, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6538 "2025-08-12T01:09:50Z")
One of my favorite games to play is, What is my headache from? Dehydration? Caffeine withdrawal? Lack of nutrition? My ponytail? Stress? Lack of sleep? Not wearing my glasses? Brain tumor? ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2025, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6539 "2025-08-12T03:34:28Z")
> [@smithsb](#): > > One of my favorite games to play is, What is my headache from? > … > Brain tumor? [![](https://img.youtube.com/vi/Oj-xjDzghz4/hqdefault.jpg "Kindergarten Cop: It's Not A Tumor!") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oj-xjDzghz4) ---
**Author:** ![Thing.Fish](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thing.fish/32/9168_2.png) [@Thing.Fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thing.Fish)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2025, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6540 "2025-08-12T03:39:10Z")
Seen on a bumper sticker next to a Pride flag: “This Tesla identifies as a Prius”. ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2025, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6541 "2025-08-12T15:04:38Z")
As I was leaving the supermarket, I say a woman on a bench crying. I asked her what was wrong and she said she had lost $200 inside the store. I was so touched by her story, I reached into my wallet and handed her $50 out of the $200 I had just found- that’s just the sort of person I am. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2025, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6542 "2025-08-13T15:18:39Z")
### I say, I say, what do you call delinquent owls? Hoo-ligans. * * * ### AIs will never be able to replace HR workers… …because, eventually, they’d grow souls. * * * ### Journalists are apt to text and drive. That’s the word on the street. * * * ### What size clothes do sled dogs wear? Husky. * * * ### Running into stationary objects really hurts… According to a recent pole. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2025, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6543 "2025-08-13T19:45:50Z")
A local teacher was driving when she lost control of her car and it ended up in a ditch. As it turns out, she was grading on the curve. mmm ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2025, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6544 "2025-08-15T03:21:41Z")
### A truck hauling a load of Vicks Vapo-Rub overturned on the highway. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2025, 12:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6545 "2025-08-15T12:26:46Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours. That’s because a lot of big strong menthol pitched in to help clear the road. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2025, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6546 "2025-08-15T14:04:05Z")
### Why you should not eat cake batter… …It isn’t worth the whisk. * * * ### People in the U.S. smile. People in Europe skilometer. * * * ### I say, I say, what do you call it when Macaulay Culkin borrows money from Bart Simpson’s dad? Homer Loan. * * * ### Vlad the Impaler’s favorite joke: “So a bar goes into this guy…” * * * ### A bear and a rabbit are conscripted into the army, and waiting for their medical checkup. The rabbit says to the bear, “Listen, I really don’t want to go to war. Can you just kick me in the leg, so that when I go in to see the doctor I’ve got a limp?” The bear says “Sure. But can you do the same for me when you come out? I don’t want to fight either.” The rabbit agrees and the bear kicks him in the leg. It’s a good kick— the rabbit only just manages to keep himself from falling over or crying out— and when he goes into the doctor’s office he is, indeed, noticeably limping. The doc takes one look at him and says “nope, the army can’t use you. Not with that leg” and sends him home. When the rabbit comes out, he returns the favour and kicks the bear in the leg. Unfortunately, however, the bear is a bear and the rabbit is a rabbit— the kick doesn’t even hurt. The rabbit tries kicking him again, harder. Tries punching him, biting him, even hitting him with one of the waiting room chairs. By the time the bear gets called in for his check up, the rabbit has spent a good ten or fifteen minutes beating him up all over, and the most he’s managed to do is give him a light nosebleed. Sadly, the bear thanks him for doing what he could, and heads in to see the doctor. The doc takes one look at him and says “Nope, the army can’t use you.” The bear, thrilled but surprised says “What? Because I’ve got a bloody nose?” And the doc says “No. Because that nurse over there says she just saw you get your ass handed to you by a limping rabbit.” ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2025, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6547 "2025-08-15T18:48:32Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### I used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid > > A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel. > > By the time I was 15, I owned my own house. Aw, I was going to post his! (This thread is so ling, it pays to do a search.) ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2025, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6548 "2025-08-16T00:13:31Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/3710e695-a26f-486a-a3ee-de99eb0a6691) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/3710e695-a26f-486a-a3ee-de99eb0a6691) ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2025, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6549 "2025-08-16T03:10:12Z")
Customer: Do you have a book on small penises? Bookstore Clerk: I don’t know if it’s in yet. Customer: Yes, that’s the title! ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2025, 6:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6550 "2025-08-16T06:35:03Z")
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching TV and I hear the text sound from my phone. It’s on the kitchen counter so I go get it. Text from my wife, “bring the chips on your way back.” ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2025, 6:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6551 "2025-08-16T06:51:49Z")
Forest Gump, "Kristi Noem is like a box of chocolates. They both kill your dog " [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=326) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=328)