# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 329
**Author:** ![Hari\_Seldon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hari_seldon/32/5173_2.png) [@Hari\_Seldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hari_Seldon)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2025, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6572 "2025-08-21T21:10:23Z")
He means the founder of Scientology. I still recall his articles in Astounding on Dianetics (the original name). ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2025, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6573 "2025-08-21T21:46:50Z")
I caught my daughter chewing on electrical cables, so I had to ground her. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2025, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6574 "2025-08-22T17:06:02Z")
### This watch has tremendous sentimental value to me. My father sold it to me on his deathbed. - Woody Allen * * * ### A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year. - Marty Allen * * * ### I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That’s how I lost my mind. - Steve Allen * * * ### A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us; we won; let’s eat! - Alan King * * * ### Life is rather like a tin of sardines - we’re all of us looking for the key. - Alan Bennett ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Winston\_OBoogie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr.winston_oboogie/32/2945_2.png) [@Dr.Winston\_OBoogie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Winston_OBoogie)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2025, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6575 "2025-08-22T17:07:25Z")
Allen / Alan x5! ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2025, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6576 "2025-08-22T19:33:47Z")
What did they yell at Edgar Allen Poe before he crashed while downhill skiing? Poetry! ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2025, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6577 "2025-08-23T02:03:41Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_60,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_100,w_94,c_scale,f_avif/v200/1e2f55ce-ad73-4a1c-8616-3b0da866edad) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_60,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_100,w_94,c_scale,f_avif/v200/1e2f55ce-ad73-4a1c-8616-3b0da866edad) ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2025, 12:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6578 "2025-08-23T12:28:07Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### I once played D&D in a party with a paladin, a samurai, a cleric, and a ninja… > > They were “prayer characters”. OK, the paladin and the cleric, sure. But samurai and ninjas aren’t any more prayer-y than anyone else. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_other_waldo_pepper/32/12370_2.png) [@The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Other_Waldo_Pepper)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2025, 12:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6579 "2025-08-23T12:35:41Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > But samurai and ninjas aren’t any more prayer-y than anyone else. Is he going for an insulting ‘Japanese people talk like this’ gag? ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2025, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6580 "2025-08-23T14:34:49Z")
> [@The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](#): > > Is he going for an insulting ‘Japanese people talk like this’ gag? No. I copied the joke from somewhere and didn’t fact check. Sorry. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2025, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6581 "2025-08-23T14:44:41Z")
### My grandfather arrived in America by boat to search for freedom. It didn’t last long though; grandma came on the very next boat. * * * ### Watch out for the escaped horse! He’s clearly unstable. * * * ### “What are the broken condoms doing on the couch?” “Our children have names, Harold!:” * * * ### A roll of duct tape walks into a bar. Bartender, polishing up a glass, asks politely: “What can I get you?” The duct tape looks around, thinks for a moment and says, “I think I’ll just stick to my usual.” * * * ### Mickey Mouse hangs himself… He doesn’t die though, it’s just a case of suspended animation. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2025, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6582 "2025-08-23T15:26:51Z")
I didn’t get the joke yesterday. It’s been 40 years since I’ve played D&D, so I assumed there were some character additions. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_other_waldo_pepper/32/12370_2.png) [@The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Other_Waldo_Pepper)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2025, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6583 "2025-08-23T16:28:49Z")
> [@Johnny\_L.A](#): > > I didn’t get the joke yesterday. It’s been 40 years since I’ve played D&D, so I assumed there were some character additions. I did likewise until I saw the post from Chronos, since Chronos seems like someone who’d only rule stuff out with good reason, and so I figured, _well, if Chronos is right, then…oh._ ---
**Author:** ![pjd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pjd/32/3009_2.png) [@pjd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pjd)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2025, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6584 "2025-08-23T20:23:27Z")
THINGS TO PONDER: - What if my dog only brings the ball back because he thinks I like throwing it? - If the poison expiration date is past does that mean it’s less or more poisonous? - Which letter in “Scent” is silent…is the S or the C? - Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned? - Why is W pronounced “double U" instead of “double V"? - What if oxygen is killing you & it just takes 75 to 100 years to work? - Every time you clean, you make something else dirty. - 100 years ago, everyone had a horse, only the rich had a car. Today everyone has cars & only the rich have horses. - If you replace the “W” with a “T” in “What, Where & When”, you would have the answer to each one. - If you rip a hole in a net, you have less holes than you started with. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2025, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6585 "2025-08-23T20:36:30Z")
**FACT: Dogs only shed twice a year.** Six months in Summer, and six months in Winter. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2025, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6586 "2025-08-24T00:41:18Z")
Nurse, “I’m sorry, you dad was pronounced dead.” Me, “I cant believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.” Picard, “I’ve gotten over my chocolate, marshmallow, nuts, and biscuit addiction.” Riker, “I’m proud of you. It can’t have been easy.” Picard, “i won’t lie. It was a Rocky Road.” ---
**Author:** ![Ignatz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/3be4f8/32.png) [@Ignatz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ignatz)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2025, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6587 "2025-08-24T14:38:47Z")
> [@pjd](#): > > Why is W pronounced “double U" instead of > “double V"? Because we don’t speak French! ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2025, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6588 "2025-08-24T18:36:36Z")
“W” is pretty much “V V” in Hawaiian. “Ewa” beach is pronounced like EV-VA. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2025, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6589 "2025-08-24T18:40:33Z")
[See post #253.](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/253)😉 ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2025, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6590 "2025-08-24T23:49:38Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_60,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_100,w_85,c_scale,f_avif/v200/95c4b04d-3140-45f9-96f3-fcc18d6bc820) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_60,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_100,w_85,c_scale,f_avif/v200/95c4b04d-3140-45f9-96f3-fcc18d6bc820) ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2025, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6591 "2025-08-25T18:02:17Z")
### “Honey, what’s for dinner tonight?” “Nothing.” “Nothing. We had nothing last night!” “I made enough for two days.” * * * ### My wife gave birth on the stairs. Now I have a stepson. * * * ### After a few weeks of trying, my wife just told me she’s pregnant. She has the worst stutter ever. * * * ### If a bear shits in the woods and no one is there to smell it, Does the president of an HOA still complain that no one’s picking it up? * * * ### What do you call a skunk with a laser pistol? Pepe le Pew-Pew. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=328) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=330)