# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 33
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2021, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/651 "2021-08-31T02:20:03Z")
A truckload of Vicks VapoRub overturned on the highway. Police anticipate no congestion for at least the next eight hours. - One fine day, brave Captain Smith and his crew of sailors were sailing the ocean blue. Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull and crossbones raised on the mast. The crew was frantic, seeking refuge and asking the captain what to do. Brave Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said: “Bring me my red shirt”. The call was taken up at once by a cabin boy. As soon as Captain Smith had the shirt in his possession, he ordered the man at the wheel to head straight for the pirate ship. In the ensuing fight, the pirate ship was all but destroyed. The sailors were recounting their individual triumphs afterwards when someone asked Captain Smith why he had asked for his red shirt before the battle. He responded: “If I was wounded, I did not want your confidence to wane. This way, you would keep fighting no matter what happened to me”. The crew had a newfound admiration for its captain, and they talked all night about his bravery. About a week later, there loomed on the horizon 10 pirate ships. Once again, the crew looked to its captain for leadership. Calmly, Captain Smith said: “Boys, bring me my brown trousers!” ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2021, 3:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/652 "2021-08-31T03:28:59Z")
A pirate with a paper towel under his hat runs into a bar, looking around, terrified. “What’s the matter?” the barkeep asks. There’s a bounty on me head! What’s the pirate’s favorite pickup line? Prepare to be boarded! You can generate pirate names here, scurvy dogs! > **[Pirate Name Generator](https://www.name-generator.org.uk/pirate/)** > > Automatic pirate name generator tool. Choose some keywords and we will automatically create a pirate name in seconds. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2021, 12:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/653 "2021-08-31T12:27:16Z")
### What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? Not, not “Argh.” Too obvious. Not the “C” either. Everyone has heard that one. “Without a P he’s irate hahahahaha!” Blah blah blah. Nope. Give up? A letter of marque. It makes his profession semi legitimate, provides for a legal way to store his wealth in his homeland, and allows him to attain social prestige far above his station if successful enough. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2021, 12:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/654 "2021-08-31T12:58:49Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? > […] > A letter of marque. It makes his profession semi legitimate, provides for a legal way to store his wealth in his homeland, and allows him to attain social prestige far above his station if successful enough. Didn’t work out so well for Captain Kidd… 🤨 ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2021, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/655 "2021-09-01T21:21:47Z")
Heard in 1980-1988, but updatable per your politics A doctor from France, a doctor from Germany, and a doctor from USA are talking shop. The doctor from France says, “In Paris, we can take the kidney from one man, put it in another man, and have that man looking for work in four weeks.” The doctor from Germany says, “In Berlin, we can take the lung from one man, put it in another man, and have that man looking for work in two weeks.” The doctor from USA says, “In the United States, we can take an asshole from Hollywood, put him in Washington, and have half the country looking for work the next day.” Same era: Why is Nancy always on top? Ronnie can only fuck UP. ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2021, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/656 "2021-09-02T03:14:52Z")
Guy walks into a bar, orders a shot of whiskey, downs it, leaves. Same guy walks into same bar, orders two shots of whisky, downs them, leaves. Same guy walks into same bar, orders four shots of whisky, downs them, leaves. Next night: 8 shots. He walks in next night, bartender says "16?’ Yep. The next night the bartener asks “32?” He says, “No, just a beer. Last night I went home and blew chunks.” Bartender says, “Don’t feel too bad, 16 is a lot.” Guy says, “You don’t understand—‘Chunks’ is the name of my dog.” Different guy/bartender: Man, I got so drunk last night I thought I took home Shania Twain. In the morning, it turned out to be Mark Twain! ---
**Author:** ![bob\_2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bob_2/32/3341_2.png) [@bob\_2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bob_2)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2021, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/657 "2021-09-02T13:39:26Z")
Guy watches his friend’s dog sitting in the corner licking its balls. “I wish I could do that,” he says. “Give him a biscuit and he’ll let you,” his friend replies. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2021, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/658 "2021-09-02T13:44:21Z")
> [@Slithy\_Tove](#): > > What does a posh Englishman dentist working on a pirate ship say? > “Ah, matey,” Okay, I’m struggling with this one. But I’ll offer another one in return: What does a pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye, matey! ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2021, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/659 "2021-09-02T13:56:03Z")
The punchline my uncle always gave for this joke was: “That dawg’d biiiiiite yooooou…” His shocked delivery on that line always slew me. 😆 ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2021, 1:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/660 "2021-09-03T13:03:47Z")
### I can’t believe I was sacked from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off! * * * ### My parents used to say I’d never be able to be a pirate when I grew up. My DVD and music collection nowadays says otherwise. * * * ### I said to my parents, “Mum, Dad… I’ve decided to live on my own from now on.” “Okay, cool,” they replied. I added, “Your luggage is outside." ---
**Author:** ![Shoeless](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shoeless/32/7099_2.png) [@Shoeless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shoeless)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2021, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/661 "2021-09-03T17:34:50Z")
> [@lobotomyboy63](#): > > Heard in 1980-1988, but updatable per your politics > > Same era: > > Why is Nancy always on top? > Ronnie can only fuck UP. This reminds me of an old Dukakis joke, which can also be easily updated with your choice of politician. Q. Why does Kitty Dukakis have sex really slowly? A. Because she has a governor on her. And another bar joke. A big scary Hells Angels type of guy walks into a bar. He parks himself on a stool in the middle of the bar, slams his fist down and demands a shot. The bartender pours him a shot, he tosses it back, then he looks down the bar to his left and says “Everybody at this end of the bar is a cocksucker! And if anyone has anything to say about it, you come and talk to me!” Everyone on the left side of the bar cowers in silence, nobody moves a muscle. A minute or two later he slams his fist down on the bar and demands another shot, tosses it back, looks down the bar to his right and says “Everybody at this end of the bar is a motherfucker! And if anyone has anything to say about it, you come talk to me!” At the far end of the bar, a guy gets up and starts walking towards the biker. The biker draws himself up and says “Yeah? You got something to say to me?” The guy says “No sir! I’m just at the wrong end of the bar.” ---
**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2021, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/662 "2021-09-03T19:51:16Z")
This one will not work for every politician. Q: Why did Richard Nixon watch _Deep Throat_ three times? A: Because he wanted to get it down Pat. ---
**Author:** ![Karen\_Lingel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/karen_lingel/32/18649_2.png) [@Karen\_Lingel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Karen_Lingel)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2021, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/663 "2021-09-03T22:43:35Z")
> [@lobotomyboy63](#): > > Why is Nancy always on top? > Ronnie can only fuck UP. I heard this joke in the 70’s substituting Jimmy and Rosalynn. ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2021, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/664 "2021-09-03T23:36:59Z")
> [@Karen\_Lingel](#): > > I heard this joke in the 70’s substituting Jimmy and Rosalynn. Other world leaders must have been similarly honored. I like the notion of jokes that can be easily updated…wonder what others may exist. What’s the diff between OJ and Elway? OJ drives a slow white Bronco; Elway _is_ a slow white Bronco. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2021, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/665 "2021-09-04T00:55:49Z")
Bob Stevens cartoon: A squadron of P-51s is flying over Germany when the following communications breaks out: ‘Who dat?’ ‘Who dat say “Who dat?”’ ‘Who dat say “Who dat say ‘Who dat’?”’ [Squadron commander] ‘Allright knock it off!’ ‘Who dat?’ ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2021, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/666 "2021-09-04T02:14:09Z")
> [@lobotomyboy63](#): > > What’s the diff between OJ and Elway? > OJ drives a slow white Bronco; Elway _is_ a slow white Bronco. They told this one before the Broncos’ back-to-back Super Bowl wins in the late 90s: Q. Why does John Elway eat cereal off a plate? A. He always loses it in a bowl. ---
**Author:** ![DeadTreasSecretaries](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/deadtreassecretaries/32/4817_2.png) [@DeadTreasSecretaries](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeadTreasSecretaries)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2021, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/667 "2021-09-04T03:25:04Z")
> [@ekedolphin](#): > > > [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > > > ### How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a light bulb? > > > > > The real question is that who broke the light bulb and why are they keeping us in the dark? > > Alternate punchline: “Do your own research.” Look, I’m just asking questions here. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2021, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/668 "2021-09-04T14:05:01Z")
### What’s the difference between the Taliban and Texas? The Taliban requires women to wear masks. * * * ### M. C. Escher had a very tough childhood Not only did he have to walk to and from school, but it was uphill both ways. * * * ### Should you take ivermectin for Covid? Neigh ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2021, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/669 "2021-09-04T17:15:41Z")
### A vicar went into a pet shop looking for a nice pet that would keep him company while he wrote his sermons. “I’ve got just what you need,” said the pet shop owner. “Take a look at this parrot. Not only does he talk but if you pull the string on his left leg he’ll sing ‘Rock of Ages’ and if you pull the string on his right leg, he’ll recite the Lord’s Prayer.” “That is truly remarkable!” exclaimed the vicar. “But what happens if I pull both strings at the same time?” “I fall off my bloody perch, you wanker!” screeched the parrot. * * * ### The vicar is preparing for the morning service when he spots a woman, in a very short skirt, sitting in the front pew. He beckons to his deacon and asks, “Isn’t that Fanny Blue?” “Oh, no, I don’t think so,” replies the deacon. “It’s just the way the light is reflected through the stained glass window.” * * * ### A vain middle-aged woman went to confession. “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I spent an hour this morning in front of the mirror admiring my beautiful body. Will I have to do a penance?” “No, no,” said the priest. “You only do a penance when you have done something wrong. Not for a mistake.” ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2021, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/670 "2021-09-04T17:50:58Z")
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Boudreaux answered, “Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies’ cotton panties.” The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay. Thibodeaux was asked his occupation. “Diesel Fitter,” he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Thibodeaux $600 a week. When Boudreaux found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, “Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor.” “What SKILL?” yelled Boudreaux. "I sew the elastic on da panties, Thibodeaux puts dem over his head and says: “Yeah, diesel fitter.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=32) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=34)