# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 336
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2025, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6712 "2025-09-22T16:06:23Z")
> [@smithsb](#): > > I’m a bit (my term) overweight. Doc said to get more seafood in your diet. > Me: Swim you damn pig! Took me a minute. Ha! ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2025, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6713 "2025-09-22T16:15:47Z")
# Amy Poehler! I recently hurt myself on a treadmill and it wasn’t even on. I was adjusting my speed and stepped wrong and twisted my ankle. I felt a moment of frustration filled with immediate relief. I didn’t have to actually work out, but I still got credit for trying. It was a gym snow day. * * * Stop whining about getting old. It’s a privilege. A lot of people who are dead wish they were still alive. * * * I don’t consider myself beautiful or famous, but my vagina certainly is. Everyone knows this. I have the Angelina Jolie of vaginas. * * * Telling me to relax or smile when I’m angry is like bringing a birthday cake into an ape sanctuary. You’re just asking to get your nose and genitals bitten off. * * * People are their most beautiful when they are laughing, crying, dancing, playing, telling the truth, and being chased in a fun way. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2025, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6714 "2025-09-22T19:34:24Z")
**When God created ducks, he said…** ‘Waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo!’ ---
**Author:** ![Orville\_mogul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/aeb1de/32.png) [@Orville\_mogul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Orville_mogul)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2025, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6715 "2025-09-22T20:44:46Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### A man walks in to a bar with a banana in his ear > > Barman : Excuse me sir, but did you know that there is a banana in your ear? > > Man : What was that? > > Barman : There’s a banana in your ear! > > Man 2 : What? > > Barman : YOU HAVE A BANANA IN YOUR EAR! > > Man : WHAT? > > Barman : THERE IS A _BANANA_ IN YOUR _EAR_!!! > > Man : I’m sorry I can’t hear. There is a banana in my ear. Really, have we all forgotten Bert and Ernie? ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2025, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6716 "2025-09-22T21:09:34Z")
> [@Orville\_mogul](#): > > Really, have we all forgotten Bert and Ernie? How about Spike Jones, as long as we’re doing old gags? **[RING]** Hello? … You don’t say… You _don’t_ say! … You don’t say. [click] _Who was it?_ He didn’t say! ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2025, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6717 "2025-09-22T21:23:06Z")
I don’t regret burning my bridges. I regret that certain people weren’t on those bridges when I burnt them. Sign at an Octoberfest: Alcohol may not solve your problems; but neither will water or milk. I’m bored so I just put a pregnancy test in the bin at work to cause some drama. note to self: don’t google landing strip with safe search off. I love seeing people walking with a little smile on their face. Something good must have happened, maybe they got a cute text, flowers, or they just threw their annoying coworker off a cliff. You never know. I might be bad at sit-ups, push-ups but my f@#k-ups are exquisite. Police arrested a university bookstore employee who stole $20,000.00 worth of textbooks. The spokesperson said both books were recovered. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2025, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6718 "2025-09-22T23:14:48Z")
> [@smithsb](#): > > note to self: don’t google landing strip with safe search off. [![](https://img.ifunny.co/images/5f184ff6b792cb09ab5aef6ee7d1c1afd6badeab58d7d00309f5a328d73d4992_1.jpg) ](https://img.ifunny.co/images/5f184ff6b792cb09ab5aef6ee7d1c1afd6badeab58d7d00309f5a328d73d4992_1.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2025, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6719 "2025-09-22T23:24:33Z")
> [@Orville\_mogul](#): > > Really, have we all forgotten Bert and Ernie? I can attest that it’s older than that. ---
**Author:** ![Hari\_Seldon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hari_seldon/32/5173_2.png) [@Hari\_Seldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hari_Seldon)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2025, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6720 "2025-09-23T00:09:43Z")
> [@Johnny\_L.A](#): > > **What’s worse than a box full of snakes?** > > A box that was _supposed_ to be full of snakes That reminds me of the old one: **What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?** Biting into an apple and finding half a worm. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2025, 10:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6721 "2025-09-23T10:44:28Z")
> [@Hari\_Seldon](#): > > What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? The Holocaust. What? ---
**Author:** ![Railer13](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/railer13/32/9742_2.png) [@Railer13](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Railer13)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2025, 12:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6722 "2025-09-23T12:04:00Z")
> [@Hari\_Seldon](#): > > **What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?** > > Biting into an apple and finding half a worm. This was my Grandpa’s favorite joke. Thanks for the memory! ---
**Author:** ![Ponderoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponderoid/32/19221_2.png) [@Ponderoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponderoid)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2025, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6723 "2025-09-23T15:45:33Z")
Remember, if you do that in the morning, nothing worse will happen to either of you for the rest of the day. ---
**Author:** ![Orville\_mogul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/aeb1de/32.png) [@Orville\_mogul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Orville_mogul)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2025, 8:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6724 "2025-09-24T08:59:38Z")
Wow, my world has been shaken. I didn’t know that one didn’t originate with Sesame Street where did it originate? ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2025, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6725 "2025-09-24T13:21:39Z")
I thought I’d look it up, and the search results mostly point to _Sesame Street_. However [one person said](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Talk%253ABanana_in_my_ear&ved=2ahUKEwji1sLFvfGPAxX_DTQIHTK_H4YQFnoECCsQAQ&usg=AOvVaw07jGrAzcJVnCZAhnkMgHx3) ‘This joke was old when my grandfather was young; it probably predates TV (not to mention Sesame Street).’ ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2025, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6726 "2025-09-24T16:16:56Z")
### What sound do vinegar and water make when they collide? _Douche_ * * * ### The Rapture didn’t happen. Does that mean it ruptured? * * * ### Why do leaves change color in Autumn? Because instead of chlorophyll, they chloro-empty. * * * ### “Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.” Actually this is Oxymoron Club. “Ok, same difference.” _looks at group_ Oh, this guy is good. * * * ### Mexico called. They are willing to pay for the wall now. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2025, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6727 "2025-09-24T16:42:11Z")
> [@Hari\_Seldon](#): > > **What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?** > > Biting into an apple and finding half a worm. > [@Ponderoid](#): > > Remember, if you do that in the morning, nothing worse will happen to either of you for the rest of the day. Well, an apple a day keeps the doctor away, and the worm adds a bit of protein. There are worse ways to break fast. > [@Orville\_mogul](#): > > Wow, my world has been shaken. I didn’t know that one didn’t originate with Sesame Street > > where did it originate? Vaudeville, I’d guess? ---
**Author:** ![Bayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bayaker/32/3454_2.png) [@Bayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bayaker)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2025, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6728 "2025-09-24T22:07:44Z")
> [@solost](#): > > Vaudeville, I’d guess? That’s my feeling about it - one of those jokes from the mists of time that are new to each generation. I have a vague memory of someone like Henny Youngman or Georgie Jessel using that joke, although it was the (more common?) doctor’s office version rather than a bar. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2025, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6729 "2025-09-25T02:59:47Z")
> [@Bayaker](#): > > That’s my feeling about it - one of those jokes from the mists of time that are new to each generation. A few Summers ago I smashed the end of my finger-- split it like a grape and broke my distal phalanx. The ER doc who treated it looked like a baby. I said “will I be able to play the guitar when it heals?” And he said “yes, absolutely”. I said “great, I couldn’t play the guitar before!” It’s an adaption of an old Vaudeville joke (the original mentioned a piano), and I thought I’d get a groan, but he laughed out loud. ---
**Author:** ![pjd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pjd/32/3009_2.png) [@pjd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pjd)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2025, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6730 "2025-09-25T20:29:43Z")
A man walks into a pub and the landlord’s astonished. Half of the man’s head is half of a huge orange. ‘So sorry to be nosy,’ the landlord says, ‘but why is half of your head half of a huge orange?’ ‘Well, I was cleaning up the loft,’ the man says. ‘And I found an old lamp. I polished it up, and a genie came swooping out of it, saying, “May I grant you any three wishes, master?”’ ‘So I said, “I’d like to have a million dollars – and every time I take the million dollars out of my pocket, another million appears there.”’ The genie said, ‘Your wish is granted. And your second wish?’ The man says, ‘I’d like a big house with 100 beautiful ladies in it.’ ‘Your wish is granted,’ says the genie. ‘And your third wish?’ ‘I’d like half my head to be half of a huge orange.’ ---
**Author:** ![dtilque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d6d6ee/32.png) [@dtilque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dtilque)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2025, 9:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6731 "2025-09-26T09:46:10Z")
> [@pjd](#): > > ‘I’d like half my head to be half of a huge orange.’ Is there a pun in there? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=335) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=337)