# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 339
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2025, 9:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6772 "2025-10-06T09:05:05Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > I’ve usually heard it as “If your nose runs and your feet smell, you’re built upside-down”. I remember that one from the early Mad Magazine issues,. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2025, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6773 "2025-10-06T15:40:27Z")
### Looks like we have a Horse Congress: They say “neigh” to everything. * * * ### Since I’m going away to college, my Dad sat me down to have a talk. He said “OK, Dan, you’re going off to college. You’re going to be living away from home, in a dorm, surrounded by beautiful girls. So I got you something from the drug store.” I said “It’s ok, Dad- I already know about condoms.” He’s said “No - anti-depressants.” * * * ### Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive but my dentist just seemed pretty upset. * * * ### Can vegans eat pudding? No, if you don’t eat your meat, you can’t have any pudding! * * * ### Why is hot friendlier than cold? Because heat waves but cold snaps. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2025, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6774 "2025-10-08T18:24:55Z")
### Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 was a registered 6 offender. * * * ### What do you call a group of friends eating together? Taste buds. * * * ### Who is the sexiest fictional woman? Medusa. She makes men rock hard. * * * ### What do you call a Halloween-themed fleshlight? A Jack-off lantern. * * * ### It’s finally October, which means that all of the cobwebs in my house are now Halloween decorations. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2025, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6775 "2025-10-08T22:28:31Z")
I can tell you, factually, that the Earth is flat. You see, the Earth is around 71% water, right? And it’s uncarbonated water, right? Well there you go, the Earth is flat. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2025, 6:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6776 "2025-10-10T06:43:11Z")
“Minimalism is a scam invented by Big Small to sell more less.” ---
**Author:** ![pjd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pjd/32/3009_2.png) [@pjd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pjd)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2025, 10:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6777 "2025-10-10T10:43:08Z")
That is hilarious !!! ---
**Author:** ![PatrickLondon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/patricklondon/32/4422_2.png) [@PatrickLondon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PatrickLondon)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2025, 11:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6778 "2025-10-10T11:47:22Z")
This is a gag from an old UK TV series I’ve re-discovered (a skit on a lot of TV dramas at the time). In this scene, the socialist firebrand “Red Agnes” is resisting an attempt to bribe her not to stand for election to Parliament, with a rant drawing on Blake’s Jerusalem (the bit with the bow of burning gold and arrows of desire) for which she’s asked “Why bring toxophily into it?”. “Because that’s the secret of success in politics: toxophily - and carry a big stick” ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2025, 12:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6779 "2025-10-10T12:48:54Z")
**What do you call it when someone offers something of equal value in exchange for a cephalopod with a camera attached to its head?** A quid pro quo squid Go Pro. Try saying _that_ ten times fast. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2025, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6780 "2025-10-10T15:40:28Z")
No problem: “That that that that that that that that that that!” ### Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their door. * * * ### Donald Trump said,… “I’d KILL for a Nobel Peace Prize!” * * * ### Many top scientists are on the autism spectrum.. And that means that autism causes vaccines. * * * ### My wife just nudged me and said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?”. I thought, ‘that’s a strange way to start a conversation’. * * * ### Murphy’s Laws of Computing 1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen. 2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete. 3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it. 4. When the going gets tough, upgrade. 5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction. 6. To err is human.. to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural. 7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up. 8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer. 9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine. 10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions. 11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2025, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6781 "2025-10-10T15:43:53Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > No problem: “That that that that that that that that that that!” Well played, sir. ---
**Author:** ![Railer13](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/railer13/32/9742_2.png) [@Railer13](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Railer13)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2025, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6782 "2025-10-10T15:44:02Z")
> [@solost](#): > > Try saying _that_ ten times fast. > [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > No problem: “That that that that that that that that that that!” Sorry, Prof. You receive no credit. _That_ wasn’t italicized. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2025, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6783 "2025-10-10T15:44:38Z")
Of course not! I’m not Italician. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2025, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6784 "2025-10-11T15:59:57Z")
### I used my discount card to scrape the ice off my windshield. I only got about 20% off, though. * * * ### Pres. Trump was visiting the Boston Zoo and passed by the big cats exhibit. “I wonder what those tigers would say if they could talk,” he wondered aloud. His Secret Service handler replied, “I’m pretty sure they’d say they were leopards.” * * * ### Beethoven hyping up the crowd: “ARE YOU READY FOR A SYMPHONY?” The crowd roars its approval. “I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” * * * ### Did you know that US law protects dolphins from indefinite imprisonment? Also know as the writ of habeas porpoise. * * * ### Across the breakfast table, the young boy squints at his great grandfather. “Pop,” he says, “You’re really old.” The old man chuckles. “I certainly am, son.” “How old are you Pop?” “Why, I’m eighty-nine.” “Wow.” the boy is impressed. “How did you get that old, Pop?” “Well son, I’ll tell you.” The old man’s faces grows serious, and glances to each side conspiratorially. He leans in and fixes his great grandson with a steely look. “Here’s the secret. Every morning, I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my oatmeal. I don’t know how, but it’s kept me fit and healthy all my life.” The boy takes his great grandfather’s advice, and indeed it works remarkably. The boy grew up and left behind 4 children, 9 grandchildren, 22 great-grandchildren, and a 16 foot hole in the crematorium wall. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2025, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6785 "2025-10-13T15:11:48Z")
### What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love? “Honey, I’m home!” * * * ### I just got back from a pleasure trip. I drove my mother-in-law to the airport. * * * ### What do you call someone who can’t stop reading Nancy Drew novels? A heroine addict. * * * ### What did the Grateful Dead fans say when they ran out of dope? This music sucks. * * * ### Did you hear about the blind skunk? He fell in love with a fart. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2025, 5:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6786 "2025-10-14T05:37:49Z")
Why is tennis so loud? Because the players raise a racket. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2025, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6787 "2025-10-15T18:55:12Z")
I need to grab my dumbrella, it’s raining idiots out here. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2025, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6788 "2025-10-15T19:13:16Z")
### If you want to save the world,… …you’ll need a very large container. * * * ### Oil-based butter replacements have been beating real butter in recent taste tests. They won by a narrow margarine. * * * ### I got the wife a bag and a belt for her birthday. The Hoover works a treat now. * * * ### Why are honeycombs so quiet? They have silent 'b’s. * * * ### What do you call a mummy that listens to My Chemical Romance? Emo-tep. ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2025, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6789 "2025-10-15T23:15:24Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### If you want to save the world,… > > …you’ll need a very large container. **You can’t have everything!** Where would you put it? (Steven Wright) ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2025, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6790 "2025-10-17T13:25:30Z")
### What do you get when you divide the circumference of a Jack o’ Lantern by its diameter? Pumpkin Pi. * * * ### How does an elephant get down from a tree? It sits on a leaf and waits for autumn. * * * ### What do you call a joint you suspect has more than weed in it? Dubious. * * * ### I saw two kids damaging my front lawn with a network device. So I modem down. * * * ### What do you call the Pentagon with a huge tarp over it? A Tentagon. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2025, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6791 "2025-10-18T13:41:10Z")
Phone etiquette tips: Start every conversation with ‘my battery is about to die’. Then you can cut off the call at any time without remorse. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=338) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=340)