# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 343
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2025, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6852 "2025-11-05T01:42:32Z")
**Eat the rich.** - Gross. - Kinda weird. - You don’t know where they’ve been. **Use the rich as fertiliser.** - Good for the environment. - Still menacing. - Everyone loves wood chippers. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2025, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6853 "2025-11-05T01:53:15Z")
### A pencil isn’t John Wick’s primary murder weapon. But it’s definitely number 2. * * * ### The woman I’m sleeping with keeps telling me I don’t need to be intimidated by the size of her ex’s dick – But even still, I’d feel a lot more comfortable if she didn’t keep it in a jar on the nightstand. * * * ### I don’t know why everyone thinks of mobsters as bad guys. When I was a kid, my next door neighbor who was a mobster would pay me $20 to start his car every morning. * * * ### Describe your love life in two words. My what? * * * ### STEM Girls are so hot. I’ve got lucky and bagged myself a physicist. We started off carbon dating. Enjoyed fission chips be the seaside and rounded off with an in depth study of ‘moments experienced by couples in fields’. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2025, 12:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6854 "2025-11-05T12:16:13Z")
I’ve never been a betting man but I’d put my next paycheck that the price/tonne passes $3k by the end of the year. I’ve been tracking aluminum pricing since April, when it was back around $2300. In just the past month it’s shot up from around $2650 to $2900. That’s a 25% increase in 7 months and an 8% bump in the last 4 weeks. Me: I’m hoarding my soda and beer cans. Gonna be an Aluminaire. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2025, 12:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6855 "2025-11-05T12:18:34Z")
I hope your plan doesn’t get foiled. mmm ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2025, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6856 "2025-11-05T15:03:54Z")
### What’s a popular 1960s pop Islamic duo? Sunni & Shia * * * ### I was thinking about having dinner at a family style restaurant by myself. But for all I know, it would be my day to do the dishes. * * * ### I say, I say, what do you call a photograph of an older person? A polaroid. * * * ### I just ran into a guy quoting V for Vendetta. You know, the whole “remember, remember the fifth of November,” speech. And I could help but think… Man, this Guy Fawkes. * * * ### I just bought a 5-foot tall flightless bird for $3 It’s a Temu Emu. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2025, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6857 "2025-11-05T22:07:33Z")
“What’s the difference between a corporation and a criminal organization?” “The criminal organization lies less in its mission statement.” ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2025, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6858 "2025-11-05T22:13:11Z")
Yesterday, one of the problems in my pre-calc class involved a zip line for a reality TV competition. One of my students said “Y’know, I could really see you on American Ninja Warrior”. “If you could really see me, wouldn’t that mean I was doing a terrible job at it?” ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2025, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6859 "2025-11-06T13:54:17Z")
I just recently learned about the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon, but suddenly I’m hearing about it everywhere. It’s the weirdest thing. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2025, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6860 "2025-11-06T15:38:12Z")
Are Calvinist ministers pre-ordained? ---
**Author:** ![Railer13](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/railer13/32/9742_2.png) [@Railer13](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Railer13)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2025, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6861 "2025-11-06T19:19:46Z")
NASA is launching a new satellite into space which is designed to tell all alien lifeforms that we’re sorry for what we’ve done to our planet. It’s going to be called the Apollo G. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2025, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6862 "2025-11-07T16:19:34Z")
### My wife and I used to run a second-hand store, but now we’re divorced. I guess we just thrifted apart. * * * ### I left a bottle of tequila in my Ford Focus… …and when I got back it was a Ford Fiesta. * * * ### So, a friend told me about a horror movie where if you get a phone call and don’t answer it, you die. And I was like “Is this movie about my mother?” * * * ### Which color has the most sex? White, because it has the highest albedo. * * * ### I used to like the taste of pennies, but nowadays they’re just terrible. I suppose it’s because they’re no longer being minted. ---
**Author:** ![Lucas\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lucas_jackson/32/303_2.png) [@Lucas\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucas_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2025, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6863 "2025-11-07T20:03:59Z")
I was going to post a joke about Jonestown… but the punchline is too long. All my friend tell me I’m condescending (That means I talk down to people) I bought my friend an elephant for his room… He said, “Thanks”. I said, “Don’t mention it”. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2025, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6864 "2025-11-08T01:19:04Z")
How can you tell how heavy a red hot chili pepper is? Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2025, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6865 "2025-11-08T13:59:02Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_60,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_96,w_100,c_scale,f_avif/v200/938ab4fa-2a19-4a59-85b2-50b6be4b6e1f) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_60,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_96,w_100,c_scale,f_avif/v200/938ab4fa-2a19-4a59-85b2-50b6be4b6e1f) ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2025, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6866 "2025-11-08T14:28:34Z")
I told my daughter to go to bed. “The cows are sleeping in the field.” She said, “What’s that got to do with anything?” That means, “It’s pasture bedtime.” ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2025, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6867 "2025-11-08T14:46:25Z")
That line was also used seriously, in one of the Dresden Files books. ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2025, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6868 "2025-11-08T16:37:01Z")
What do you call a priest who went to law school? A fatther-in-law! ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2025, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6869 "2025-11-08T18:06:34Z")
Oh man, I knew a priest/lawyer. Wish I’d heard this\* before he died, he would have loved it. mmm (\*or thought of it myself) ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2025, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6870 "2025-11-08T18:13:11Z")
I did, too. The old pastor at my church got himself licensed as a lawyer, so he could better help refugees and immigrants with paperwork. ---
**Author:** ![Railer13](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/railer13/32/9742_2.png) [@Railer13](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Railer13)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2025, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/6871 "2025-11-08T18:20:32Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > The old pastor at my church got himself licensed as a lawyer, so he could better help refugees and immigrants with paperwork. This is truly doing God’s work. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=342) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=344)