# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 358
**Author:** ![Civil\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d78d45/32.png) [@Civil\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Civil_Guy)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2026, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7152 "2026-01-12T03:59:33Z")
A subthread all by itself. 1. People who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2026, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7153 "2026-01-12T04:43:26Z")
> [@Mark\_Finn](#): > > It was the beast of Thames; it was the wurst of Thames. I need the shaggy dog story on that one. And I’ll trade you for _up the paddle without a crick._ ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2026, 5:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7154 "2026-01-12T05:05:49Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_60,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_50,w_100,c_scale,f_avif/v200/c0e2de52-f95a-48ad-a862-dacb4e48b8d9) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_60,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_50,w_100,c_scale,f_avif/v200/c0e2de52-f95a-48ad-a862-dacb4e48b8d9) ---
**Author:** ![Mark\_Finn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/34f0e0/32.png) [@Mark\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mark_Finn)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2026, 12:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7155 "2026-01-12T12:36:15Z")
The opening line of Charles Dickens’ “A Tale of Two Cities”” “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times”. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2026, 12:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7156 "2026-01-12T12:47:12Z")
> [@Mark\_Finn](#): > > The opening Iine of Charles Dickens’ “A Tale of Two Cities”” > > “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times”. I know that. I asked for the shaggy dog story with that punchline. ---
**Author:** ![Mark\_Finn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/34f0e0/32.png) [@Mark\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mark_Finn)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2026, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7157 "2026-01-12T15:37:28Z")
A brief summary: "In the mid-19th century, London was terrorized by the arrival of a tremendous monster in the Thames. It was soon dispatched by the townspeople, but nobody could decide what to do with the corpse. Finally, a butcher decided to make sausage out of it. Charles Dickens, upon observing the result, commented, “It was the beast of Thames, it was the wurst of Thames.” ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2026, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7158 "2026-01-12T15:41:14Z")
Okay, thanks. That tracks. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2026, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7159 "2026-01-12T16:42:31Z")
### Why does the river Thames run through London? If it walked, it’d get stabbed. * * * ### My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing… Probably because it’s a Dell. * * * ### A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie. First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone. * * * ### My girlfriend used to work at an American prison in Cuba. She’s my Guantanamo Bae. * * * ### My wife kicked me out of the house for my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger references, but don’t worry… I’ll return. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2026, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7160 "2026-01-12T20:51:37Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/b7d89561-63a3-46c3-8192-61bde58aaf17) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/b7d89561-63a3-46c3-8192-61bde58aaf17) ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2026, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7161 "2026-01-12T20:57:29Z")
In a small-town trial, a Southern prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother, to the stand. He approached her and asked: “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She replied: “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people, and you talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot, but you don’t have the brains to realize you’ll never amount to more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.” The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked: “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?” She calmly replied: “Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was young, too. He’s lazy, arrogant, and has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention, he cheated on his wife with three different women—one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.” The defense attorney nearly fainted. The judge quietly called both lawyers to the bench and said in a low voice: “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll have you both sent to the electric chair.” ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2026, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7162 "2026-01-12T21:07:18Z")
Why do Greeks and Turks argue over the Boston Tea Party? Because it was a sip riot. ---
**Author:** ![Railer13](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/railer13/32/9742_2.png) [@Railer13](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Railer13)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2026, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7163 "2026-01-13T00:07:11Z")
never mind ---
**Author:** ![Lucas\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lucas_jackson/32/303_2.png) [@Lucas\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucas_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2026, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7164 "2026-01-14T06:17:30Z")
My wife said I was average, I thought, “That’s mean”. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2026, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7165 "2026-01-14T20:11:43Z")
### Where do urologist play ice hockey? On Golden Pond. * * * ### You met a man on the Oregon Trail. He said his name was Terry. You said that that was a girl’s name. He shot you down. You died of dissin’ Terry. * * * ### And God said, “Let there be leet!” 4ND 7H3R3 W4S L337 * * * ### Why do we have actuaries? So accountants have someone to laugh at. * * * ### Who’s the great detective who investigates molten rocks? Magma, P.I. * * * ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Winston\_OBoogie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr.winston_oboogie/32/2945_2.png) [@Dr.Winston\_OBoogie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Winston_OBoogie)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2026, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7166 "2026-01-14T20:58:13Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Why do we have actuaries? > > So accountants have someone to laugh at. Hey! I resemble that! ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2026, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7167 "2026-01-15T02:37:00Z")
**The man said, ‘I’d like to replace your cat.’** The lady said, ‘That’s all right with me, but how are you with catching mice?’ (Ed Wynn as ‘Uncle Albert’ and Julie Andrews as ‘Mary Poppins’ in _Mary Poppins_ (1964).) ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2026, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7168 "2026-01-16T17:17:07Z")
### The Late Scott Adams: - There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. - Normal people believe… if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet. - The only risk of failure is promotion. - I respectfully decline the invitation to join in your hallucination. - The best things in life are silly. - Remember there are no simple acts of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2026, 6:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7169 "2026-01-17T06:25:47Z")
Wife: What’s this pile of clothes on the floor? Me: I struck down a Jedi. Wife: God I hate your Star Wars crap. Me: Good, let the hate flow through you. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2026, 7:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7170 "2026-01-17T07:56:25Z")
What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? … you can’t hear an enzyme. (Best spoken aloud for max effect.) ---
**Author:** ![Mark\_Finn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/34f0e0/32.png) [@Mark\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mark_Finn)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2026, 12:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7171 "2026-01-17T12:38:42Z")
**You look like a million dollars.** Green and wrinkled. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=357) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=359)