# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 359
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2026, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7172 "2026-01-17T17:38:53Z")
### I used to work at the calendar factory. I was fired for taking a day off. * * * ### Life has taught me two important lessons. The first one I don’t remember any more, but the second is that you should write everything down. * * * ### How does a physics teacher refer to his college? His alma matter. * * * ### Did you hear about the two Egyptians that farted at the exact same time? They had a Tutankhamun. * * * ### A man walked into a Star Wars museum …carrying an old rusted bucket by his side and demanded to know who was in charge. “What can I help you with today, sir?” asked the confused curator. “This here is an authentic piece of European history and once belonged to the King of England 1000 years ago.” “But,” stuttered the curator, “this is a _Star Wars_ museum.” “You don’t understand. The king carried a load of grouse in it after successful hunts!” The curator’s eyes grew wide and excitedly exclaimed, “Just what we’ve been looking for. A milennium fowl can!” ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2026, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7173 "2026-01-17T17:58:43Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > They had a Tutankhamun. We all remember King Rootin Tootin from the Three Stooges film, _We Want Our Mummy_ (1939). But for many, many years I’ve had in mind a couple of other Pharaoh names. Which one of these to you think is funnier? - King Ottenotta - King Ottnotten ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2026, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7174 "2026-01-17T18:34:29Z")
John Travolta is in the hospital. He’s got chills that are multiplyin’! ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2026, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7175 "2026-01-17T18:52:27Z")
What a weird day yesterday. First I find a hat full of money… …and then some really angry dude with a guitar started chasing me!!! Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world? Mount Everest When I was younger, I felt like a man trapped in a woman’s body. Then I was born. I had to start work yesterday at 9am but was an hour late. My boss told me I had to make up the time… …so I told him it was 9am ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2026, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7176 "2026-01-18T02:09:49Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/8be660c7-940a-4438-a56d-3ae4f51cd9c7) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/8be660c7-940a-4438-a56d-3ae4f51cd9c7) ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2026, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7177 "2026-01-18T02:13:10Z")
**Today a man knocked on our door and asked for a small donation toward the community swimming pool.** I gave him a glass of water. ---
**Author:** ![dtilque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d6d6ee/32.png) [@dtilque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dtilque)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2026, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7178 "2026-01-18T03:04:35Z")
I hope this isn’t too political for this thread > **[The major awards keep pouring in for Trump](https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2026/1/17/2363937/-The-major-awards-keep-pouring-in-for-Trump?pm_campaign=front_page&pm_source=trending&pm_medium=web)** > > Hot off his receipt of the Nobel and FIFA peace prizes, other award winners are lining up to give Trump their medals. Of course his new toy is his new Nobel — given to him by actual winner Maria Corina Machado. That has triggered a flood of new... ---
**Author:** ![pjd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pjd/32/3009_2.png) [@pjd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pjd)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2026, 11:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7179 "2026-01-18T11:14:02Z")
I like the comment in that thread .. “How about a Darwin Award ? …” 🤞 ---
**Author:** ![Mark\_Finn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/34f0e0/32.png) [@Mark\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mark_Finn)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2026, 12:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7180 "2026-01-18T12:51:59Z")
**The box of animal crackers said “Do not eat if the seal is broken.”** I opened it up, and sure enough . . . ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2026, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7181 "2026-01-19T15:44:40Z")
### A woman finds Aladdin’s magic lamp. She starts rubbing it and a Genie comes out as usual. The woman looks at the Genie and asks him to grant her the following wishes: - I want my husband to have eyes only for me - I want to be the only one in his life - I want that when he gets up in the morning I’m the first thing he grabs and takes me everywhere he goes.” The Genie then turned the lady into an IPhone 14 * * * ### Voldemort: So, I just have to lie? Pinocchio: Yep. * * * ### Why doesn’t anyone want to be one of Snow White’s dwarfs? Because 6 out of 7 of them aren’t Happy. * * * ### Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands. * * * ### In America Martin Luther King only gets one day… And sharks get a whole week. It’s probably because they are great whites. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2026, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7182 "2026-01-19T15:57:11Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > The Genie then turned the lady into an IPhone 14 An iPhone 14? He’s going to be trading her in for a new model any day now! ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2026, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7183 "2026-01-19T20:01:18Z")
**Husband, on the phone:** “Hey honey, there was just a news report on TV. They said some maniac is driving down the wrong side of the expressway, and it’s the route you travel. Just wanted to give you a heads up.” **Wife:** “Not just _one_ maniac, there are _hundreds!_” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2026, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7184 "2026-01-21T15:50:03Z")
### Since Trump is there, they’ve instituted a curfew in the capital of Switzerland. It’s a controlled Bern. * * * ### Two ardent fans were discussing who was greater, Darth Vader or Lord Voldemort. The Star Wars fan finally said, “Look, Darth Vader conquered a galaxy. Voldemort couldn’t even take over a school.” * * * ### I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa. Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water. They bless the rains down in Africa. * * * ### Why did the United States invade Panama? Just 'cause. * * * ### I want to get into ice skating but… I keep getting cold feet! ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2026, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7185 "2026-01-22T20:04:04Z")
**Sprinkle tiny pieces of Alka Seltzer in your baby’s hair before they get baptized.** It’s a fun time for everyone. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2026, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7186 "2026-01-23T17:43:57Z")
### How does every ethnic joke start? With looking over your shoulder. * * * ### A Priest, a Rabbi and a Leprechaun walk into a bar. The Leprechaun looks around and says, “Saints preserve us! I’m in the wrong joke!” * * * ### What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. * * * ### What’s the difference between a rabbit and a plum? They’re both purple, except for the rabbit. * * * ### I’m such a good driver… …a self-driving car once asked me for directions. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2026, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7187 "2026-01-23T18:59:46Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### What do you call a fish with no eyes? > > A fsh. What do you call a fish with three eyes? A fiiish. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2026, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7188 "2026-01-23T19:01:43Z")
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eyedeer 🤷‍♂️ ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Winston\_OBoogie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr.winston_oboogie/32/2945_2.png) [@Dr.Winston\_OBoogie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Winston_OBoogie)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2026, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7189 "2026-01-23T19:06:19Z")
I heard that one as… What do you get if you take Bambi and poke his eyes out with a red-hot poker? No eye-dear. What do you get if you take Bambi, poke his eyes out with a red-hot poker and cut his legs off? Still no eye-dear. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2026, 8:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7190 "2026-01-24T08:37:00Z")
Interviewer: What’s your greatest weakness? Me: Interpreting semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics. Interviewer: Could you give an example? Me: Yes, yes I could. Spock: There’s an island off the coast of Italy with five million Sicilian people on it. Kirk: That’s the largest number I’ve ever heard. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2026, 1:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7191 "2026-01-24T13:11:13Z")
Since we’re doing these: **What do you call a fly with no wings?** A walk **What do you call a fly with no wings and no legs?** A raisin [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=358) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=360)