# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 365
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2026, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7292 "2026-02-16T01:53:33Z")
Interviewer: “We’re looking for someone who takes on responsibility.” Me: "That’s me. At my last job, whenever something went wrong, I was responsible " ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2026, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7293 "2026-02-16T02:02:30Z")
> [@fedman1](#): > > `when he walks down the aisle and says "I do, don't I dear?"` Lyric from the Lyle Lovett song “She’s No Lady”: _The preacher asked her, and she said, “I do”_ _The preacher asked him, and she said, “he does too”_ ---
**Author:** ![fedman1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e495f1/32.png) [@fedman1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fedman1)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2026, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7294 "2026-02-16T02:58:40Z")
thanks, always go back to the original ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2026, 4:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7295 "2026-02-16T04:59:01Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_60,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_98,w_100,c_scale,f_avif/v200/42c85c33-f8f1-4893-8a7f-a6e8b191ba98) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_60,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_98,w_100,c_scale,f_avif/v200/42c85c33-f8f1-4893-8a7f-a6e8b191ba98) ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2026, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7296 "2026-02-16T16:04:35Z")
### Pres. Woodrow Wilson on Pres. Chester A. Arthur: A non-entity with side whiskers. * * * ### William Clafin on Pres. Ulysses S Grant: Early in 1869 the cry was for ‘no politicians’ but the country did not mean ‘no brains’. * * * ### Henry Clay on Pres. Andrew Jackson: I cannot believe that the killing of 2,000 Englishmen at New Orleans qualifies a person fro the various difficult and complicated duties of the presidency. * * * ### Alexander Hamilton on Pres. Thomas Jefferson: The moral character of Jefferson was repulsive. Continually puling about liberty, equality and the degrading curse of slavery, he brought his own children to the hammer, and made money of his debaucheries. * * * ### Pres. Richard M. Nixon on Pres. Lyndon B. Johnson: People said that my language was bad, but, Jesus, you should have heard LBJ! ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2026, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7297 "2026-02-16T16:35:18Z")
[![](https://i.ibb.co/rGWVZW3d/kfc.jpg) ](https://i.ibb.co/rGWVZW3d/kfc.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![pjd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pjd/32/3009_2.png) [@pjd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pjd)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2026, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7298 "2026-02-16T18:28:17Z")
I’m just seeing a message which says :- imgbb.com upgrade to a pro account to embed images in emails ---
**Author:** ![The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_other_waldo_pepper/32/12370_2.png) [@The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Other_Waldo_Pepper)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2026, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7299 "2026-02-16T18:50:08Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > **Henry Clay on Pres. Andrew Jackson:** > > I cannot believe that the killing of 2,000 Englishmen at New Orleans qualifies a person fro the various difficult and complicated duties of the presidency. …was Clay _trying_ to lose an election? ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2026, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7300 "2026-02-16T20:18:06Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/38a226cf-bd1a-458b-8d01-33540a102042) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/38a226cf-bd1a-458b-8d01-33540a102042) ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2026, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7301 "2026-02-17T02:41:03Z")
**Superman:** “Lex! You just _nuked an island_ to kill your business rivals?!” **Lex Luthor:** “It was Epstein Island.” **Superman:** “…Alright, now I’m conflicted.” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2026, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7302 "2026-02-18T02:27:41Z")
### Why did the Chinese cancel New Year’s? Everybody was kung fu fighting… * * * ### A horse walks into a bar “Hey” says the bartender. “How did you know my order?” replies the horse. * * * ### Why should you never race a Muslim during Ramadan? They _fast_ during Ramadan! * * * ### Mardi Gras reminds me how much inflation changes things. Beads used to buy you the island of Manhattan, now you only get two coconuts. * * * ### A penitent man decided to give up sex for the Lenten season. His wife was not informed of this situation, however. One the second night after Ash Wednesday, she showed some interest in relations. Rebuffing her advances he said, “I’m sorry, honey–I can’t. It’s Lent.” Angrily, she replied, “To whom and how long?” ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2026, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7303 "2026-02-18T14:23:26Z")
**A newlywed couple were trying to decide what to give up for Lent.** After much agonizing, they decided to give up sex. To make it easier, they decided to sleep in separate bedrooms for the duration. At the crack of Easter sunrise, the girl hears a loud knock on the door. “Oh honey!” she says “I know what you’re knocking for!” He replies “Yeah, but you don’t know what I’m knocking _with!_” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2026, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7304 "2026-02-18T14:34:59Z")
### A jealous husband to his wife: “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” Wife: “I suppose. I would just need to figure out a way to come up with that kind of money.” * * * ### A Mobius strip sits down at a bar, looking miserable. The bartender asks, “Why the long face?” And the Mobius strip says, “Where do I start?” * * * ### What’s the difference between a 3d printer and a step stool? Well, the former’s a former and the latter’s a ladder. * * * ### God proclaimed there shall be peace in all corners of the world… then he made the world round. * * * ### I went to the gym the other day and my favourite machine was broken. Couldn’t get any chocolate or Coke or anything. ---
**Author:** ![SoToasty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sotoasty/32/2803_2.png) [@SoToasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SoToasty)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2026, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7305 "2026-02-18T21:53:11Z")
Good thing they had on big red boots so you could find them ---
**Author:** ![Mark\_Finn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/34f0e0/32.png) [@Mark\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mark_Finn)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2026, 12:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7306 "2026-02-19T12:48:48Z")
**Your teeth are like stars** - They come out at night. **You look melancholy** - You have a head like a melon, and a face like a collie. **Your nose is like a basketbal** l - It dribbles all over the floor. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2026, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7307 "2026-02-19T14:39:35Z")
**Your teeth are like pearls.** Pearl takes hers out every night. **Your ears are like flowers.** Cauliflowers. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2026, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7308 "2026-02-20T17:11:12Z")
### From the works of P.D.Q. Bach: For your hair is your crown, _Which you remove when you retire_ And your breath is like down _wind of a compost heap on fire_ With your eyes black as nuns, _Like nuns they cross themselves each day_ And your face like the sun _…set over Pittsburgh, U.S.A._ * * * ### Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: “Windows frozen, won’t open.” Husband texts back: “Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer.” Wife texts back 10 minutes later: “Computer really messed up now.” * * * ### There once was a pirate named Bates Who was learning to rhumba on skates He fell on his cutlass Which rendered him nutless And practically useless on dates. * * * ### My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal. China refuses to acknowledge Ty won. * * * ### What’s the main rule of the Insomnia Olympics? You snooze, You lose. * * * ### If you are surprised that Jeffrey Epstein committed suicide… Imagine how surprised he must have been. ---
**Author:** ![pjd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pjd/32/3009_2.png) [@pjd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pjd)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2026, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7309 "2026-02-20T20:44:15Z")
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink. Now I’m in the hospital, waiting to be seen. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2026, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7310 "2026-02-21T01:13:15Z")
> [@pjd](#): > > I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink. > Now I’m in the hospital, waiting to be seen Stay away from the vanishing cream. ---
**Author:** ![pjd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pjd/32/3009_2.png) [@pjd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pjd)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2026, 9:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7311 "2026-02-21T09:15:10Z")
How dare you change my quote to make it look like I’m an ignorant bastard who doesn’t know how to add a period (or full stop as it’s known here) at the end of my sentence, I’m going to report your post to the mods. Yes, of course I’m joking ! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=364) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=366)