# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 381
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2026, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7612 "2026-04-29T19:18:42Z")
### Beer makes you smarter! Well, it made Budweiser. * * * ### Bill Gates and Donald Trump are alone in the Oval Office. Trump remarks,“Bill, together you and I are worth $80 billion.” Bill Gates says,“But I’m worth 90 billion.” * * * ### What’s the difference between weasel and a stoat? A weasel is weaselly recognized but a stoat is stoatally different. * * * ### I’ve been collecting badgers I almost have a complete sett. * * * ### A group of mustelids walk into a bar. The badger says “I’ll have a whiskey on the rocks.” The wolverine says “I’ll have a whiskey neat.” The martin says “I’ll have a whiskey with a twist.” The otter says “I’ll have a whiskey sour.” The bartender looks at the last one and says “and what will you have?” “Soda,” goes the weasel. ---
**Author:** ![thorny\_locust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thorny_locust/32/431_2.png) [@thorny\_locust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thorny_locust)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2026, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7613 "2026-04-29T19:38:08Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > A group of mustelids walk into a bar Good one! ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2026, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7614 "2026-04-29T19:48:44Z")
I laughed. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2026, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7615 "2026-04-29T20:06:13Z")
> [@wolfpup](#): > > I’m probably over-generalizing, but I can think of two reasons that the squat bottles were short-lived. One is that those who liked to guzzle beer directly out of the bottle (that was never me – I loved me my beer mugs with a nice head of foam) found it unfamiliar and harder to drink out of than the slim bottles. That’s funny-- as a young college student in Detroit, we would often hop across the river to that magical land where the drinking age was 19, and I don’t remember having any trouble drinking Molson Brador out of these 😄 [![](https://www.historymuseum.ca/ke/_resources/3007503/1339-3153-2093-046-cmhsize-large.jpg) ](https://www.historymuseum.ca/ke/_resources/3007503/1339-3153-2093-046-cmhsize-large.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2026, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7616 "2026-04-29T22:32:13Z")
I don’t drink… alcohol, but that looks about like the bottles Bundeberg ginger beer is sold in, and I can drink out of them, too. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2026, 12:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7617 "2026-04-30T12:39:14Z")
After my wife gave birth I asked the doctor how long till we can have sex. He said in just a few hours, when his shift ends. ---
**Author:** ![De\_La\_Rue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@De\_La\_Rue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/De_La_Rue)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2026, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7618 "2026-04-30T18:01:18Z")
### It’s the future. A machine has been invented that can transmit the pain of birth labor from the mother to the father. A woman is at the hospital giving birth. The nurse turns the machine on at 10%. The husband feels fine, but the woman says “More! More!” So the nurse raises the level to 40%. The woman tells her husband that she feels better, but could he withstand it if the rate was increased? The husband says he’s not feeling anything, so he agrees and the nurse raises the machine’s level to 75%. At this point, the woman is doing a lot better but still straining a little, so she and her husband decide to go all the way, since he’s perfectly OK, and the nurse turns the machine to 100%. The baby comes out, the couple leaves the hospital and comes home… …and there’s the mailman dead on the porch. ---
**Author:** ![J-P\_L](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/j-p_l/32/3156_2.png) [@J-P\_L](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/J-P_L)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2026, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7619 "2026-04-30T18:24:21Z")
> [@De\_La\_Rue](#): > > …and there’s the mailman dead on the porch. Saw that one coming a mailbox away! ---
**Author:** ![DesertDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/desertdog/32/11503_2.png) [@DesertDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DesertDog)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2026, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7620 "2026-04-30T20:32:21Z")
In a similar vein, this is from generations ago when computers filled entire rooms and people had not grasped that it cannot tell you anything you haven’t told it first. A salesman is trying to sell a computer to the CEO of a large company a computer. “This machine knows _everything_. If you can state the question it will have the answer.” The CEO scoffs. “Go ahead, try it,” so the man sits down at the console and types, ```auto I am [name]. Where is my father? ``` After a moment the teletype clatters to life, ```auto Your father is fishing off the coast of Norway. ``` The man snorts, “Stupid computer! My father has been dead for over a decade.” “Hmm, sometimes how you frame the question matters,” the salesman says. "Let me have a crack at it. ```auto Where is [name]'s mother's husband? The mother's husband of [name] has been dead for 11.34 years. His father is still fishing off the coast of Norway. ``` ---
**Author:** ![Lucas\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lucas_jackson/32/303_2.png) [@Lucas\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucas_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2026, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7621 "2026-05-01T04:46:46Z")
Why are there no Walmarts in Palestine ? Every thing’s a Target. . What’s the difference between iron Man and Iron Woman? One’s a superhero, the other is an order. I just got arrested for doing donuts in the Kmart parking lot. And I know what you’re thinking, who names their dog Donuts. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2026, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7622 "2026-05-01T12:52:39Z")
Reminds me of one that’s probably been posted here before (probably also by me), but I tried searching various phrase combos and couldn’t find it, so apologies if it’s a repeat: Little Jenny says to little Johnny at school one Friday “all adults have a deep, dark secret”. “Really?” says Johnny. “Try it on your parents” says Jenny. “Say ‘I know your deep, dark secret’ and see what happens”. So the next day Johnny goes up to his mom and says “I know your deep, dark secret”. His mom says “here’s $10-- don’t tell your father”. Johnny is pleasantly surprised at his sudden windfall, so he goes to his dad and says “I know your deep, dark secret”. His dad says “here’s $20-- don’t tell your mom”. “This is a pretty good gig I got going!” thinks little Johnny. Just then he sees the mailman coming up the driveway. He goes to the door and says “I know your deep, dark secret”. The mailman drops to his knees, gives Johnny a big hug and says “I’m so glad I don’t have to hide it anymore, son!” ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2026, 1:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7623 "2026-05-01T13:01:28Z")
A man hears a knock on his door. He opens the door to find a snail selling magazines. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later he hears a knock at his door. He opens it to find the snail again. The snail says “what the hell did you do that for?” ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2026, 1:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7624 "2026-05-01T13:24:35Z")
> [@Lucas\_Jackson](#): > > And I know what you’re thinking, who names their dog Donuts. ‘I was so drunk, I blew chunks.’ ---
**Author:** ![Lucas\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lucas_jackson/32/303_2.png) [@Lucas\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucas_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2026, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7625 "2026-05-01T16:02:53Z")
> [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > A man hears a knock on his door. He opens the door to find a snail selling magazines. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. > > Three years later he hears a knock at his door. He opens it to find the snail again. The snail says “what the hell did you do that for?” I’ve heard that “joke” numerous times, Most famously (to me anyway) in Training Day. Roger tells it: _“Man walks out his house on his way to work and sees this snail lying on his porch. So he picks it up and chucks it over the roof into the backyard. Snail bounces off a rock, busts it’s shell up all of that shit and lands in the grass. Snail lies there dying but the snail doesn’t die. After a while it can crawl again. One day snail makes its way back to the front of the house, finally after about a year the little guy crawls back onto the porch. Right then the man walks out of his on his way to work and sees this snail again. So he looks at it and says. ‘What the fuck’s your problem’”_ I didn’t get it then and I don’t get it now. Note that in some tellings the man says ‘what the fuck is your problem’ and sometimes it’s the snail. Can the joke still work if the line is told from a different perspective? In Training Day, Roger follows it up with, ‘figure out that joke and you will figure out the streets’ as if it’s some sort of morality tale. And indeed, there are parts to the film that mimic that joke. Here’s two posts from Reddit, speculating… > [@](#): > > I think the entire point of the joke is that there is no morality on the streets. There is no neat happy ending. The snail does not get revenge nor closure. That is how “the streets” work. But that’s different than why he TELLS the joke to Hawke-- that’s simply more bullying to indicate to Hawke that he doesn’t understand what he’s doing there, and not to step out of line. > [@](#): > > The man is the streets. The snail represents people. Basically, the streets is a really tough place. It will chew you up and spit you out. Even if you somehow survive and do well, don’t assume that gives you the right to some sort of respect, because the street doesn’t care. The moment you start to think you deserve respect, you have let your guard down. Not really a joke, but the guy in the movie framed it as such to embarrass the kid. Is everybody overthinking it, and it’s just a no soap radio type of thing? And if so, does a no soap radio thing work on a message boards. Sorry, I don’t mean to kill the mood - I’ve just honestly always been confused about this joke. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2026, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7626 "2026-05-01T16:07:45Z")
### Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. “Very good,” says the bartender, “will that be with an olive or twist?” * * * ### What’s the difference between a toilet and a bartender? A toilet only has to serve one asshole at a time. * * * ### I say, I say, what do clouds wear under their pants? Thunderwear. * * * ### What do you call two spiders who just got married? Newlywebs. * * * ### How do you know if a vampire is sick? He’ll be coffin. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2026, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7627 "2026-05-01T16:16:58Z")
Interesting. To me, it’s no more complicated than the snail has been raging about how he was treated for the entire three years it took him to work his way back to that house to tell the guy off. Also, I think my condensed version is superior to the overly verbose “Training Day” rendition. mmm ETA: I’ve never seen “Training Day”. I think I recall the joke from a Drew Carey book. ---
**Author:** ![Lucas\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lucas_jackson/32/303_2.png) [@Lucas\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucas_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2026, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7628 "2026-05-01T16:31:56Z")
> [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > I’ve never seen “Training Day”. Highly recommend it. Denzel as a bad guy. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2026, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7629 "2026-05-01T19:32:08Z")
Woman #1: I don’t have a boyfriend. Woman #2: How come? Woman #1: Vibrator. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2026, 8:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7630 "2026-05-02T08:03:17Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_60,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_100,w_66,c_scale,f_avif/v200/xoos1q6mv8n4cbu5bbyf) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_60,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_100,w_66,c_scale,f_avif/v200/xoos1q6mv8n4cbu5bbyf) ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2026, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7631 "2026-05-02T16:02:31Z")
### These Cthulu memes I’ve seen now and again, need to get some new material All I ever see are Old Ones. * * * ### What’s the difference between dreams and memes? I haven’t given up on my memes yet. * * * ### What kind of memes are the most addictive? Dopamemes. * * * ### If April Showers bring May Flowers, then what do May Flowers bring? Smallpox. * * * ### Why did Princess Leia date so many guys before she found Han? She was looking for love in Alderaan places. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=380) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=382)