# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 382
**Author:** ![Dr.Drake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Dr.Drake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Drake)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2026, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7632 "2026-05-02T16:22:03Z")
I think it’s just that snails are slow. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2026, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7633 "2026-05-02T16:37:07Z")
The only time snails are fast are when they are cooked and served in a French restaurant: then just watch that escargot! ---
**Author:** ![Lucas\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lucas_jackson/32/303_2.png) [@Lucas\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucas_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2026, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7634 "2026-05-02T19:22:39Z")
If that’s it it’s not much of a joke. ---
**Author:** ![DesertDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/desertdog/32/11503_2.png) [@DesertDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DesertDog)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2026, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7635 "2026-05-02T19:41:28Z")
It’s Halloween and the doorbell rings. On opening it the lady of the house sees a small boy in a pirate costume. “Ooooh! A pirate. And where are your buccaneers?” “Right here, lady, under my buccanhat.” ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2026, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7636 "2026-05-02T19:45:47Z")
> [@Lucas\_Jackson](#): > > If that’s it it’s not much of a joke The first time I heard it, I thought it was very funny. Something about it being an unexpected, off-the-wall response, and the snail being pissed off. I’ve haven’t thought it was particularly funny since the first time, though. ---
**Author:** ![Lucas\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lucas_jackson/32/303_2.png) [@Lucas\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucas_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2026, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7637 "2026-05-02T22:42:36Z")
> [@needscoffee](#): > > Something about it being an unexpected, off-the-wall response, and the snail being pissed off. Depending on the telling, it might be the snail or it might be the man, I’ve heard it both ways. Regardless the snail being pissed isn’t the same thing as being slow. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2026, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7638 "2026-05-02T23:00:05Z")
Obstruction of Justice & Tampering with Evidence: Remember that when you see a cat cleaning their murder mittens, they’re removing the DNA evidence. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Drake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Dr.Drake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Drake)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2026, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7639 "2026-05-02T23:48:46Z")
> [@Lucas\_Jackson](#): > > the snail being pissed isn’t the same thing as being slow. Ah, but it’s funny because the snail has been working to respond in the heat of the moment for a long time, while the guy and the audience are on real time. So the snail’s slow speed creates an unexpected situation, thus the not-very-funny humour. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2026, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7640 "2026-05-02T23:56:33Z")
“9-1-1, What is your emergency?” Caller “There’s someone in the house and he’s trying to kill me!” “Okay, what I want you to do is get to your ballroom.” “I don’t have a ballroom.” “…then may God have mercy on your soul.” ---
**Author:** ![Lucas\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lucas_jackson/32/303_2.png) [@Lucas\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucas_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2026, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7641 "2026-05-03T00:17:47Z")
> [@Dr.Drake](#): > > Ah, but it’s funny because the snail has been working to respond in the heat of the moment for a long time, while the guy and the audience are on real time Ok, that I’ll buy. And taken from that perspective, it is funny. I think the thing that messed it up for me all along (if that’s what makes it funny) is that they told it wrong in Training Day. They had the man saying ‘what’s your problem? ‘ - I just went back and watched it. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2026, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7642 "2026-05-03T02:18:42Z")
> [@Lucas\_Jackson](#): > > Regardless the snail being pissed isn’t the same thing as being slow. He is both. That is the joke. We get it, you don’t like it. mmm ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2026, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7643 "2026-05-03T02:45:46Z")
> [@smithsb](#): > > “I don’t have a ballroom.” > > “…then may God have mercy on your soul.” I lol-ed! ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2026, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7644 "2026-05-03T02:47:45Z")
> [@Lucas\_Jackson](#): > > I think the thing that messed it up for me all along (if that’s what makes it funny) is that they told it wrong in Training Day. They had the man saying ‘what’s your problem? ‘ Oh, that explains why it didn’t seem funny. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2026, 10:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7645 "2026-05-03T10:19:03Z")
Me: Can you teach me how to do the splits? Personal Trainer: How flexible are you? Me: I can’t do Thursdays. ---
**Author:** ![Mark\_Finn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/34f0e0/32.png) [@Mark\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mark_Finn)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2026, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7646 "2026-05-03T15:36:49Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### If April Showers bring May Flowers, then what do May Flowers bring? > > Smallpox. I’ve heard the response to be “Pilgrims”. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2026, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7647 "2026-05-03T15:53:49Z")
> [@Mark\_Finn](#): > > I’ve heard the response to be “Pilgrims”. Who brought smallpox with them. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2026, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7648 "2026-05-03T17:46:08Z")
A man comes home from a doctor appointment with a big smile on his face. His wife says “what are you smiling about- checkup went well, I take it?” “It sure did!” The man says. “In fact, the doc wrote me a note to show you— it says I have to have daily sex!” “What? Let me see that…” the wife says, and takes the note from him. “It says you have dyslexia”. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2026, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7649 "2026-05-03T18:46:42Z")
> [@Johnny\_L.A](#): > > > [@Mark\_Finn](#): > > > > I’ve heard the response to be “Pilgrims”. > > Who brought smallpox with them. It works really well if you tell it as a side-by-side joke. Tell it initially with the “Pilgrims” punchline, then re-tell it in the same tone of voice: “… what ELSE do May flowers bring?” Then hit 'em with the smallpox ending, deadpan face. (I love dark jokes even more than I love dumb jokes, and this is a quality combo.) ---
**Author:** ![DesertDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/desertdog/32/11503_2.png) [@DesertDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DesertDog)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2026, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7650 "2026-05-03T19:14:36Z")
A man is in ER getting a bad cut in the palm of his hand stitched up. "Doc, will I be able to play the violin when this heals? “Mmm, it’s deep but didn’t reach any tendons or important muscles. I don’t see why not.” “Good! I never could before!” ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2026, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7651 "2026-05-03T19:39:17Z")
Related: A six-year-old boy walks into a drugstore and tells the cashier “I’d like to buy a box of Tampax”. The clerk asks him “Why?”. The boy says “The ads say that with Tampax, I can swim, ride a bike, or climb a tree, and I can’t do any of those things.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=381) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=383)