# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 383
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2026, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7652 "2026-05-03T19:53:13Z")
I ended up in an ER after smashing and splitting open the tip of one of my fingers a few years ago, and I used that joke on the ER doc (in my case I asked if I’d be able to play guitar when my finger healed, which I was actually a little worried about). Being an ER doctor, I had figured he would have heard it before, but he cracked up. ---
**Author:** ![billy-jack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac91a4/32.png) [@billy-jack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billy-jack)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2026, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7653 "2026-05-03T20:00:24Z")
A man wakes up in the ICU after the surgery. He manages to get a nurses’s attention (did better than I did) and asks “Are my testicles black?” The nurse is rather surprised and says “What did you say?” He repeats, “Are my testicles black?” She decides to humor him so she lifts up the sheet and the gown and looks and takes a look. She responses, “They look fine to me.” He grimaces and says much slower, “Are … My … Test … Results … Back?” ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2026, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7654 "2026-05-03T20:12:10Z")
Doctor: Well, it looks like you’re pregnant. Woman: I’m pregnant??? Doctor: No, it just looks like you are. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2026, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7655 "2026-05-03T21:19:36Z")
> [@purplehorseshoe](#): > > Tell it initially with the “Pilgrims” punchline, then re-tell it in the same tone of voice: I think it works better as presented, with the ‘Smallpox’ punchline. It makes the listener make the connection, which makes it funnier. ---
**Author:** ![DesertDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/desertdog/32/11503_2.png) [@DesertDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DesertDog)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2026, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7656 "2026-05-03T21:26:00Z")
At the height of deer season a couple stops at a sportsman’s bar and grill for a bit to eat. They order and about fifteen minutes later when the server is delivering their plates the wife asks, “Those men over at that table. Why are they wearing orange?” “Why, it’s the law, ma’am.” “That’s a good law,” she nods. “Drunks everywhere ought to wear orange.” ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2026, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7657 "2026-05-03T22:46:10Z")
A farmer is buying a lottery ticket. The clerk asks him what he’ll do with his millions if he wins. “I reckon I’ll just keep farming 'til the money’s gone.” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2026, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7658 "2026-05-04T01:01:28Z")
### I went shopping the other day for cherries and a new microphone. Bought a BING, bought a BOOM. * * * ### President Trump has been taking Xanax daily. He heard it helps with Hispanic attacks. * * * ### Several children found a dead robin. Feeling that a proper burial should be performed, they secured a small box and some cotton batting, dug a hole in the back yard, and made ready to dispose of the deceased. The minister’s 5-year-old son was chosen to say the prayer. And so with great dignity, he intoned, “Glory be to the Father…and unto the Son…and into the hole he goes.” * * * ### Over a thousand years ago, there was a culture in Southeast Asia that worshiped parrots. They were pollytheistic. * * * ### "I did a sponsored walk once. In the end, I’d managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi." – Jimmy Carr * * * BTW, ala Wiki: **World Laughter Day** was established in 1998 and the first celebration was on 10 May 1998, in [Mumbai, India](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mumbai,_India), arranged by Dr. Madan Kataria, founder of the worldwide [Laughter Yoga](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laughter_Yoga) movement.[[1]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_Laughter_Day#cite_note-HuffPost-1) The day is now [celebrated](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_minor_secular_observances#May) on the first Sunday of May worldwide.[[1]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_Laughter_Day#cite_note-HuffPost-1)[[2]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_Laughter_Day#cite_note-The_National-2) ---
**Author:** ![dtilque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d6d6ee/32.png) [@dtilque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dtilque)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2026, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7659 "2026-05-04T01:22:03Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > BTW, ala Wiki: > > **World Laughter Day** was established in 1998 and the first celebration was on 10 May 1998, in [Mumbai, India](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mumbai,_India), arranged by Dr. Madan Kataria, founder of the worldwide [Laughter Yoga](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laughter_Yoga) movement.[[1]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_Laughter_Day#cite_note-HuffPost-1) > > The day is now [celebrated](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_minor_secular_observances#May) on the first Sunday of May worldwide.[[1]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_Laughter_Day#cite_note-HuffPost-1)[[2]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_Laughter_Day#cite_note-The_National-2) You expect me to laugh at that one? ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2026, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7660 "2026-05-04T01:42:36Z")
Pretend I used a silly voice. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2026, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7661 "2026-05-04T16:17:49Z")
A woman who works in the office of a nursing home regularly brings her young son to work with her. After a while, he starts visiting and befriending the elderly residents. One day, dad says to mom, we have to get him into a daycare. “Why?” mom asks. “Because when I took him to the store, the cashier asked him how old he is. He answered, “I’m six. I’ll turn seven next year if the lord sees fit.” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2026, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7662 "2026-05-04T19:44:44Z")
### How did Darth Vader know Luke was his son? He had a dad feeling about it. * * * ### How long has Anakin Skywalker been evil? Since the Sith Grade. * * * ### My whole life I thought Chewbacca was an Ewok. It’s a Wookiee mistake. * * * ### What did Obi-Wan say at the rodeo? “Use the horse Luke!” * * * ### I like my coffee like I like my Death Stars… Massive, on the dark side, and strong enough to destroy a planet. _[shifting to silly voice]_ Happy Star Wars Day! May the Fourth be with you! ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2026, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7663 "2026-05-04T20:53:42Z")
I still remember my Grandpa’s last words to me before he died: “You got a good grip on that ladder, right?” ^^^^^^^ I still remember my Grandpa’s last words to me before he kicked the bucket: “Wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?” ---
**Author:** ![pjd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pjd/32/3009_2.png) [@pjd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pjd)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2026, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7664 "2026-05-04T21:08:37Z")
A short poem for Star Wars day: Her name was Yoda A showgirl she was. (©Brian Bilston) ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2026, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7665 "2026-05-04T21:28:46Z")
> [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > Doctor: Well, it looks like you’re pregnant. > > Woman: I’m pregnant??? > > Doctor: No, it just looks like you are. This is my favorite joke in this thread for a good long while. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2026, 1:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7666 "2026-05-06T01:30:41Z")
### Cinco de Mayo’s the best holiday ever! Really, it’s 5/5. * * * ### What do you call a homeless monkey in the woodwind part of an orchestra? The oboe bonobo hobo. * * * ### Did you hear about the two slices of bread that went out on a date? It was loaf at first sight. * * * ### I went to a silent auction. I ended up with a dog whistle and two mimes. * * * ### I was raised as an only child. It drove my sister nuts. ---
**Author:** ![Lucas\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lucas_jackson/32/303_2.png) [@Lucas\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucas_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2026, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7667 "2026-05-06T21:59:17Z")
> [@purplehorseshoe](#): > > (I love dark jokes even more than I love dumb jokes…) For you then… I gave up vaping. It was just not as satisfying. Have you ever tried putting one of those out on your kids arm? ---
**Author:** ![Lucas\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lucas_jackson/32/303_2.png) [@Lucas\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucas_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2026, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7668 "2026-05-06T22:25:43Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > I like my coffee like I like my … … women - tied up in a sack and slung over the back of a burro in Colombia. > [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### If April Showers bring May Flowers, then what do May Flowers bring? > > Smallpox. > [@purplehorseshoe](#): > > It works really well if you tell it as a side-by-side joke. I think it works best as a stand alone, as the expectation is that the answer is going to be Pilgrims, given that this joke is so old. And then you get hit with ‘smallpox’. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2026, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7669 "2026-05-07T02:19:01Z")
> [@Lucas\_Jackson](#): > > > [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > > > I like my coffee like I like my … > > … women - tied up in a sack and slung over the back of a burro in Colombia. I heard it the other way around, I think from @Rico. ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2026, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7670 "2026-05-07T03:49:00Z")
Tied up in a burro and slung over a sack? ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2026, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7671 "2026-05-07T03:49:49Z")
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