# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 392
**Author:** ![DesertDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/desertdog/32/11503_2.png) [@DesertDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DesertDog)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2026, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7832 "2026-06-08T14:15:49Z")
Ah, the other one is so old it has whiskers so I figured I’d spare everyone. A man and a dog walk into a bar. ~~It was this high~~ The bartender takes one look and says, “No dogs allowed! Get out!” “This is a special dog – he can talk!” “Gawann!” “I’ll prove it. Rex, what’s sandpaper feel like?” “Ruff,” the dog responds. “What’s the outside of a tree covered with?” “Bark!” “Who’s the greatest baseball player ever?” “Roof!” “I thought so,” the barman interrupts, “Get out!” As they walk away dejectedly the dog looks up. “Maybe I should have said DiMaggio.” ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2026, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7833 "2026-06-08T14:17:46Z")
> [@abcdefghij](#): > > While looking up the joke to go with that punchline, I came across: And in case anyone hasn’t heard the other one, A man is getting on the bus, with a dog on a leash. The bus driver says “Hey, no pets on the bus!” The man says “But this is a special dog! He talks! Here, let me show you.” “Hey, Fido, what do you call the top surface of a house?” “Roof!” “OK, and how does sandpaper feel?” “Rough!” “And who’s the greatest baseball player of all time?” “Ruth!” The bus driver says “Get outta here, I told you no pets!”, and closes the door and drives off. The dog says “I knew I shoulda said DiMaggio”. EDIT: I shoulda figured a dog would beat me to it. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2026, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7834 "2026-06-08T19:16:47Z")
### I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you’re interested, let me know and I’ll jump over the neighbor’s fence and get it for you * * * ### I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants. – Bill Bailey * * * ### What kind of neighborhood was Monty Python’s Ministry of Silly Walks located in? A gaited community. * * * ### It must have been a real shock when people found out the Monty Python theme was originally written by someone from the United States After all, nobody expects the American composition. * * * ### Quoting _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_ is as easy as 1-2-5. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2026, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7835 "2026-06-10T15:11:52Z")
# Peter Cook “I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly” * * * “As I looked out into the night sky, across all those infinite stars, it made me realize how insignificant they are.” * * * “I’ve always been after the trappings of great luxury. But all I’ve got hold of are the trappings of great poverty. I’ve got hold of the wrong load of trappings, and a rotten load they are too, ones I could have very well done without.” * * * “We believe this to be the work of thieves, and I’ll tell you why. The whole pattern is very reminiscent of past robberies where we have found thieves to be involved. The tell-tale loss of property — that’s one of the signs we look for.” * * * “I am specialising in the Universe and all that surrounds it” ---
**Author:** ![DesertDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/desertdog/32/11503_2.png) [@DesertDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DesertDog)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2026, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7836 "2026-06-13T02:30:42Z")
If Ani is short for Anakin and Obi short for Obi-wan what is Luke short for? A Stormtrooper. ---
**Author:** ![RAWDuke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/71e660/32.png) [@RAWDuke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RAWDuke)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2026, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7837 "2026-06-13T03:10:29Z")
> [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > A dog walks into a saloon with a bandaged foot. > > Bartender: Can I help you? > > Dog: I’m lookin’ for the man who shot my paw. I told this joke to a humor-impaired coworker one time. She chuckled at the joke, and left. Next day another coworker said “you told X a joke yesterday. She told it to me, and I don’t get it.” I asked what the joke was. “I’m looking for the man who shot my father!” ---
**Author:** ![Civil\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d78d45/32.png) [@Civil\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Civil_Guy)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2026, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7838 "2026-06-13T03:59:16Z")
(I don’t think this one has been told in awhile…) _Daughter_ (young adult): Mom, I think you should know, I’ve been dating our next-door neighbor. _'Mother_: Raymond?!? Oh dear! Sweetheart, he could be your father! _Daughter_: Look, our difference in age doesn’t make any difference. _Mom_: Sweetheart, you’re not listening to me. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2026, 6:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7839 "2026-06-13T06:36:28Z")
May 31st, #7764. No big deal, there’s lots of duplicates in almost 8000 posts. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2026, 12:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7840 "2026-06-13T12:33:37Z")
The corollary to that joke: Young adult son: hey dad, I think I’m going to ask out neighbor Katie. Dad: uh, I wouldn’t do that, son. See, I had an affair with her mom, and she could be your sister. Son: ok, I’ll ask out neighbor Sue. Dad: wellll… Son: Sue’s mom too? How about Alice, Wendy, Constance, Emily, or Gwen? Dad: sorry… So the son storms off to his mom and says “I can’t date any girl in this town, because dad had affairs with all their mothers and they could all be my sisters! The mom says, don’t worry son, date any girl in this town you want to. He only thinks he’s your real father 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2026, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7841 "2026-06-13T15:05:53Z")
> [@smithsb](#): > > May 31st, #7764. You didn’t tell it right. > [@solost](#): > > The corollary to that joke: The gender-flipped version of that (daughter who wants to go out with all of the boys in town) has been made into at least two different songs. ---
**Author:** ![DesertDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/desertdog/32/11503_2.png) [@DesertDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DesertDog)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2026, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7842 "2026-06-13T15:24:58Z")
> [@solost](#): > > He only thinks he’s your real father 😉 Back when Dave Allen was still among us he had a routine where a dying Irishman is saying goodbye to his three sons, big, strapping Seán, equally large Patrick, and wee Callum. When done he asks them to leave and have their mother come in. She does and he says, “Callum, little Callum is so unlike the others. I am on me deathbed so tell me: Is Callum my son?” “Yes, darling. I swear to you Callum is your son.” “I then die in peace.” (dies) “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other two!” ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2026, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7843 "2026-06-13T17:08:35Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > You didn’t tell it right. Ha! I got it. ---
**Author:** ![DesertDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/desertdog/32/11503_2.png) [@DesertDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DesertDog)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2026, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7844 "2026-06-13T17:23:16Z")
“Fifty-seven!” (everyone looks puzzled) “You said that was a good joke!” (shrugs) “Some people can tell a joke, others can’t.” ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2026, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7845 "2026-06-13T17:34:13Z")
A man lived next to a sheep farm. One night, a sheep was standing behind the fence nearest to his bedroom window and wouldn’t stop the constant BAAA BAAAA BAAA all night long. The man couldn’t stand it anymore, so without even stopping to dress he put on a pair of boots and ran outside naked except for the boots. He jumped over the fence and chased the sheep shouting “I’ll get you!” This commotion woke the farmer who looked at the chase and called to the man “If I had known you were interested in that sheep, I would’ve shampooed its fleece!” ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2026, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7846 "2026-06-13T20:05:40Z")
Jokes from Star Trek: Picard, “I went to see Dr. Crusher and told her, I think I’m a moth. She said I should really see a psychiatrist. I was on my way to see one but her light was on.” Kirk, “Have I ever told you that I like Eminem.” Spock, “I prefer Skittles.” Kirk, " No, not the candy, I meant the rapper." Spock, “That’s illogical, Jim. Why would you eat the wrapper.” Picard, “I’m very good at knowing what words mean.” Riker, “Define avoidable.” Picard, “What a matador attempts to do.” Picard, “Gravity is powerful. Do you know what you get if you remove it?” Riker, “Weightlessness, Sir?” Picard, “Gravy, number one. You get gravy.” ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2026, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7847 "2026-06-13T22:52:42Z")
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone” doesn’t know my neighbors. I once lived just a stone’s throw from a family that died from mysterious head injuries. Bottomless breadsticks implies the existence of topless breadsticks. Now I’m hungry AND horny at this Olive Garden. [![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/kiu2nwwvfebmapdw8tmc) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/kiu2nwwvfebmapdw8tmc) ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2026, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7848 "2026-06-14T03:49:00Z")
Questionable questions. Wife, “Do these jeans make me look fat?” Me, “Do you promise not to get mad no matter what I say?” Wife, “Yes, I promise.” Me, "I bought another 3-D printer " ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2026, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7849 "2026-06-14T22:45:54Z")
**A photographer was tragically crushed when a massive block of cheddar fell on him.** To be fair, the people he was photographing did try to warn him. ---
**Author:** ![DesertDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/desertdog/32/11503_2.png) [@DesertDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DesertDog)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2026, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7850 "2026-06-15T00:19:32Z")
In a similar vein, an American tourist visits the UK, rents a car, and is driving in the Cornish hedgerow country. He’s doing okay until suddenly a car careens around a blind corner on the wrong side of the road. They manage to dodge each other but as they pass the woman driving the other car sticks her head out the window and yells, Pig!" as she zips by. Not to be outdone the tourist sticks his head out and yells, “Old cow!” back, rounds the corner, and runs smack into the biggest sow he ever saw. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2026, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7851 "2026-06-15T00:55:40Z")
### If Lesbians drive Subarus, what kind of car does a Non-Binary person drive? They don’t care as long as it gets them/their. * * * ### Singin’ in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s just soap opera. * * * ### How many people live in the Tiramisu? Nobody; the place is desserted. * * * ### I joined a Carpenters class the other day. We haven’t learned anything yet. We’ve only just begun. * * * ### Two caterpillars are fleeing from a spider. They climb up a small branch and crawl to the edge, but realize they’re trapped. “Hold on tight!” says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps in two! As they begin to fall, he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse. “This is amazing!” says the second caterpillar. “How the hell are you doing that?!” The first caterpillar scoffs. “Am I the only one in the whole forest who knows how to drive a stick?” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=391) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=393)