# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 397
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2026, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7932 "2026-07-02T17:05:53Z")
I have had cararact surgery before. It’s just that over the years a film has formed on my lenses. They’ll laser them off, and I will be fine. ---
**Author:** ![Karen\_Lingel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/karen_lingel/32/18649_2.png) [@Karen\_Lingel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Karen_Lingel)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2026, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7933 "2026-07-02T17:28:02Z")
Poor Prof. Pepperwinkle can’t eat fish! It’s seafood. Oh, look at the time; gotta run… ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2026, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7934 "2026-07-02T18:07:03Z")
Heck, they’ll just dialate them, then PEW, PEW, PEW and the membrane is toast. You get some floaters for a few weeks but you should be seeing fine the next day. Of course if this is a vacation, take the time off. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![abcdefghij](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/43a26b/32.png) [@abcdefghij](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/abcdefghij)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2026, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7935 "2026-07-02T20:25:03Z")
When our fish tank starts to develop a film, we go to the pet store and pick up a couple of snails. Have you tried that? ---
**Author:** ![Karen\_Lingel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/karen_lingel/32/18649_2.png) [@Karen\_Lingel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Karen_Lingel)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2026, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7936 "2026-07-02T20:28:48Z")
Prof. P could try rubbing ketchup in his eyes. I’ve heard that Heinz sight is 20/20. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2026, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7937 "2026-07-02T21:07:51Z")
Keeping within the vision theme: A guy shows a photo of his wife to the guy sitting on the next bar stool. “Isn’t she stunning?” Second guy says, “If you think she’s stunning, you should see my wife.” “Why, she’s beautiful, too?” “No, she’s an optometrist.” ---
**Author:** ![dirtball](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dirtball/32/18772_2.png) [@dirtball](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dirtball)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2026, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7938 "2026-07-02T21:29:02Z")
A gang of crooks decide to pull off a bank robbery by breaking into the building in the middle of the night. So they scout out a bank, scope out the floor plans and security systems and employee schedules, and whatnot. Everything you could possibly think of to prepare for a bank heist. Takes them weeks of painstaking work and meticulous attention to the smallest details to get it all figured out. The big night comes. They climb up on top of the building and drill a person-size hole through the roof and drop down. There are three vaults. They’re able to open the first one, but lo and behold, there’s no money. Just a gallon jar of olives sitting on a pedestal. The robbers look around at one another, confused, shrugging and going WTF? Finally, they decide to take the jar because, after all, they don’t want to go home empty handed. Then they break into the second vault. Same thing. Third vault, same thing again. They take the jars home to the leader’s apartment and sit around eating the olives and drinking Jack Daniels, because what else are they going to do? The next morning, they wake up, bring the newspaper in, and see a big headline on page 1: “Eye Bank Robbed.” ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2026, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7939 "2026-07-02T23:07:03Z")
The other day I said to my wife, “You know honey, when I look in the mirror, I just see a tired, defeated old man with thinning hair, bad teeth, flabby muscles and a fat belly. Can you tell me something to make me feel better about myself?” She replied “Well your eyesight is damn near perfect.” ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2026, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7940 "2026-07-02T23:21:05Z")
A guy is seeing his doctor for a routine checkup. “Doc, I’m worried about my vision. I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.” “Have you seen an ophthalmologist yet?” “No, so far it’s just been the spots.” ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2026, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7941 "2026-07-03T04:44:46Z")
> [@Digital\_is\_the\_new\_Analog](#): > > There’s a [long thread](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cataract-surgery/816883) for info and advice - in case you haven’t seen it. That’s the problem! ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2026, 11:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7942 "2026-07-03T11:07:24Z")
He’s probably heard about it, though. mmm ---
**Author:** ![ZonexandScout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zonexandscout/32/544_2.png) [@ZonexandScout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZonexandScout)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2026, 11:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7943 "2026-07-03T11:52:46Z")
Two police officers ring the bell at a suburban house. A woman answers. They ask, “Ma’am, is your husband John Ferguson?” “Yes, he is.” (Officers remove hats.) “We’re sorry. Looks like he was hit by a bus.” “Yes, I know, but he’s always been a good provider.” ---
**Author:** ![Hari\_Seldon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hari_seldon/32/5173_2.png) [@Hari\_Seldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hari_Seldon)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2026, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7944 "2026-07-03T22:09:22Z")
> [@fedman1](#): > > So St Peter says, “We’ve got hundreds of Popes, but this is the first lawyer we’ve ever had!” The psychologist was asked why he used lawyers in his experiments. He replied, “Because there are some things even rats won’t do.” ---
**Author:** ![Cachalot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/da6949/32.png) [@Cachalot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cachalot)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2026, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7945 "2026-07-04T02:40:23Z")
Why is this funny? ---
**Author:** ![ZonexandScout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zonexandscout/32/544_2.png) [@ZonexandScout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZonexandScout)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2026, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7946 "2026-07-04T02:53:10Z")
The wife is replying to a statement by the police that she interprets as meaning they think her husband is ugly. “Yes, I know he’s ugly, but he’s a good earner and provider for the family.” ---
**Author:** ![Cachalot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/da6949/32.png) [@Cachalot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cachalot)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2026, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7947 "2026-07-04T03:02:13Z")
And why would the police come to her house to tell her that her husband is ugly? I’m gonna have to file this one under “trying too hard”. ---
**Author:** ![Ulf\_the\_Unwashed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Ulf\_the\_Unwashed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ulf_the_Unwashed)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2026, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7948 "2026-07-04T03:26:33Z")
I liked it. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2026, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7949 "2026-07-04T03:43:48Z")
Therapist: “Does anyone in your family suffer from mental illness?” Me: “No, we all seem to enjoy it.” Me:" I’m unstoppable!" Therapist: “No, I said you were unstable.” Me: “Meh, potato, tomato.” [![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_60,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_89,w_100,c_scale,f_avif/v200/wqo9pi056rfx8i82k1qh) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_60,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_89,w_100,c_scale,f_avif/v200/wqo9pi056rfx8i82k1qh) ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2026, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7950 "2026-07-04T03:55:07Z")
There are 119 members of the US Congress 70 years old or older. 24 of them are over 80 years old. The US Capitol Building is the world’s most expensive nursing home. We’re experiencing this heat wave because the Gates of Hell have opened for Mitch McConnell. And a recipe from the past. Not my cup of tea but here goes: [![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_60,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_100,w_84,c_scale,f_avif/v200/dkj3e5dgtfcizlfxyhvm) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_60,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_100,w_84,c_scale,f_avif/v200/dkj3e5dgtfcizlfxyhvm) ---
**Author:** ![ZonexandScout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zonexandscout/32/544_2.png) [@ZonexandScout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZonexandScout)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2026, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/7951 "2026-07-04T04:12:27Z")
OK…cops are a problem? Some guy is standing near the site of the accident and HE runs to the Ferguson house to give her the news. It’s fine if someone doesn’t like it (I didn’t make it up myself…heard it recently), but I think it’s amusing that, out of all the jokes so far, THIS one is “trying too hard.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=396) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=398)