# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 408
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2026, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8152 "2026-08-22T03:27:24Z")
With all the salmonella recalls lately, the only vegetable missing is Mitch. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2026, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8153 "2026-08-22T20:53:52Z")
A co-worker is in the hospital after eating a giant chocolate bar. It was mine. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2026, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8154 "2026-08-23T03:08:59Z")
Treat your body like a data center. Consume as much literature and water as possible. Piss off the local town councils with your existence. Get better soon. I know you aren’t sick, I just think you can do better. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2026, 6:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8155 "2026-08-23T06:59:45Z")
Didja hear about the shepherd who took his whole flock out into a blizzard? They had to go to the Icy Ewe ward. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2026, 8:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8156 "2026-08-23T08:16:09Z")
I like to think of myself as a “free spirit”. Sounds better than, “out of control”. Therapist: And what do we say when you feel like this? Me: I’d like a double order of queso, 8 fish tacos, two polo gordito, and a pitcher of margaritas. Therapist: Noooo I finally got one of those emotional support pets. A chicken, crispy and came with a biscuit. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2026, 12:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8157 "2026-08-23T12:53:05Z")
Why is a white dwarf star sexually perverse? It’s made of degenerate matter. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2026, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8158 "2026-08-24T00:05:49Z")
My kind of dessert. [![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/e4gy4407fshrfyiifsrr) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/e4gy4407fshrfyiifsrr) ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2026, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8159 "2026-08-24T17:46:05Z")
Scientist #1: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs. Scientist #2: Hmm, not kinky enough. ---
**Author:** ![Lucas\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lucas_jackson/32/303_2.png) [@Lucas\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucas_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2026, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8160 "2026-08-24T18:00:16Z")
> [@Johnny\_L.A](#): > > The combination of Cameron Diaz and a colonoscopy is a viral internet pun and dad joke. The punchline plays on phonetics: “Cameron” sounds like “camera,” and “Diaz” is playfully mispronounced to sound like “the ass” or “dee-ass,” combining into a setup for “camera in the ass”. As long as we are explaining… “Cameron” sounds like “camera,”, more like ‘camera in’. > [@Hypno-Toad](#): > > Depends on the size of the lens. Bravo, good sir, bravo! ---
**Author:** ![Author\_Balk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Author\_Balk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Author_Balk)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2026, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8161 "2026-08-25T16:21:39Z")
Two guys were in a ventriloquist’s room. They went to one of the puppets and the puppet started talking to them. One guy said, “I didn’t know that the puppets could talk”. The other said, “Well, it speaks for itself”. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2026, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8162 "2026-08-26T23:19:58Z")
[![Imgur](https://i.imgur.com/YwrR86u.jpeg "imgur.com") ](https://imgur.com/YwrR86u) ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2026, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8163 "2026-08-28T13:23:03Z")
Warden: “Tomorrow you will be executed for cannibalism. What would you like for your last meal?” Prisoner: “Five Guys” * * * Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 100? Because every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2026, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8164 "2026-08-28T15:17:11Z")
As I was driving past a prison yesterday, I saw a tiny man scaling down the wall. Confused, I stared up at him and he sneered back. And I thought to myself, “well that’s a little condescending”. ---
**Author:** ![Wallaby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/dc4da7/32.png) [@Wallaby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wallaby)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2026, 7:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8165 "2026-08-29T07:28:11Z")
I thought Con Descending was a greek paratrooper. If he was an electrician, he’d be Con Fused. Greek Entomologist - Con Testant. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2026, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8166 "2026-08-29T14:01:56Z")
A chicken walks into a library, goes to the counter and says “book, book, book”. The librarian gives him three books. An hour later, the chicken returns with the books and says “book, book, book”. The librarian gives him three more books. A bit later, the chicken again returns with the three books and says “book, book, book”. The librarian gives him another three books. She is now very curious about what’s going on, so this time she follows the chicken. It waddles up to a pond and presents the books to a frog. The frog says “read it, read it, read it”. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2026, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8167 "2026-08-29T23:36:00Z")
### Did you hear about Dolly Parton passing out on stage? It took four guys to carry her off – two abreast. * * * ### People always ask me how long it takes to do my hair. I don’t know, I’m never there.” – Dolly Parton * * * ### A kid playing tag runs up to Tim Curry and says… you’re IT ! * * * ### Why are the Great Lakes running out of water? Because Americans are drinking Canada Dry. * * * ### What did the ocean say to the beach at the end of summer? Nothing, it just waved goodbye. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2026, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8168 "2026-08-30T00:07:13Z")
I was stopped by a cop while driving. He said, “You were driving a bit fast. What would happen if you had suddenly come across Mr. Fog?” I said, “I would press on Mr. Brake.” He said, “I’m going to ask you again. What would happen if you had suddenly come across mist or fog?” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2026, 12:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8169 "2026-08-30T12:19:16Z")
### **Why do chemists like nitrates so much?** Because they’re cheaper than day rates! * * * ### **Why did the noble gas cry?** Because all his friends argon. * * * ### What do horror movies and printer ink have in common? The black one always dies first. * * * ### What’s long, hard, and scary when you first see it? Calculus homework. * * * ### Old man goes to church One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.r\> The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories. As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it. As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. “Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship.” The old cowboy assured the preacher he would. The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and said, “I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church.” “I did,” replied the old cowboy. “If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?” asked the preacher. "Well, sir, God told me that He didn’t have a clue what I should wear. He said He’d never been in this church " ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2026, 1:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8170 "2026-08-30T13:01:37Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### **Why did the noble gas cry?** > > Because all his friends argon. When they got sick he tried to helium, but it was too late. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2026, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8171 "2026-08-30T14:18:29Z")
An older man goes to a new doctor to get a check-up, accompanied by his wife. Afterward, he says to her “I like this new doc, he’s a good guy. I appreciated his advice that I was at a certain time in my life, and in good enough condition, that I shouldn’t feel embarrassed about masturbating anytime I felt like it. I guess he believes it’s an effective natural stress reliever. It’s a very enlightened attitude”. “That’s NOT what he said, you moron”. His wife replied. “He said at your age and state of health, you could have a stroke at any time”. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=407) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=409)