# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 410
**Author:** ![Hari\_Seldon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hari_seldon/32/5173_2.png) [@Hari\_Seldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hari_Seldon)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2026, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8192 "2026-09-03T01:37:03Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > But a lot of fun once you get going. +1. Calculus was boringly easy. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2026, 12:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8193 "2026-09-03T12:08:23Z")
The history of quantum mechanics is likewise a Bohr. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2026, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8194 "2026-09-03T12:59:52Z")
My doctor informed me that I am color blind. I was shocked, that really came out of the green. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2026, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8195 "2026-09-03T20:41:14Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/up6p4fdexii4smw6vhpq) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/up6p4fdexii4smw6vhpq) ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2026, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8196 "2026-09-04T18:30:25Z")
### Canada has announced that they are responding by naming one of the Great Lakes after Pres. Obama. They won’t be changing any maps, though. It will still be Lake Superior. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2026, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8197 "2026-09-05T00:27:07Z")
### Witch Hazel: Agnes, whtever’s wrong? Witch Agnes: The doctor said I can’t have children. Witch Hazel: Now, now, take heart. Food allergies aren’t that bad. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2026, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8198 "2026-09-05T20:29:46Z")
They say it was the USS Constitution’s speed and strength that gave it major advantages against enemy ships, but I think I spotted another factor that history might have overlooked. [![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/alc5tpcnqvrpcdnqqfls) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/alc5tpcnqvrpcdnqqfls) ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2026, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8199 "2026-09-05T20:46:09Z")
What did the cannibal widow have for dinner? Mateloaf. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2026, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8200 "2026-09-05T21:18:15Z")
Me: I know that even after all these years, you still think I’m sexy. Harassed co-worker: WHAT? Me: Every time I walk past you I hear you quietly say, “What and ass.” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2026, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8201 "2026-09-05T21:20:05Z")
### Make sure to check your Tauntaun for a fever in this heat wave. They should always be Luke warm. * * * ### Have you heard about the street performer who did his act in the middle of a hurricane? It was mime-blowing. * * * ### My wife dumped me because of my obsession with boat puns. Canoe believe it? * * * ### A guy walks into a bar with a Doberman dressed up as a lawyer. Pointing to the dog, he asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?” Bartender says, “Sure.” “Great,” he replies, “I’ll have a Guinness and he’ll have a lawyer.” * * * ### Someone once tried to pay me using counterfeit Brazilian money. I knew it wasn’t real. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2026, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8202 "2026-09-05T21:42:23Z")
Our wanna-be tech overlords are befuddled by declining popular support for “the robot that tells you to kill yourself”, “the pervert glasses”, and “the camera network that stalks you”. Go figure. Me: So when will I actually receive the shark? Loan Shark: WHAT? On tonight’s episode of Star Trek, the Enterprise finds Abraham Lincoln hundreds of light years from Earth, racing to put more distance between himself and the modern Republicant party. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2026, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8203 "2026-09-05T22:30:27Z")
My 15yr old granddaughter still hasn’t emptied the dishwasher. I asked her to do it four hours ago. Now she’s freaking out because she can’t find her phone … Which is on silent in the dishwasher. Follow me for more amazing parenting tips. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2026, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8204 "2026-09-05T23:58:22Z")
crunch, crunch,.. Wife: Are you eating potato chips in bed? Me: What? No, of course not. crunch, crunch, … Wife: You ARE eating potato chips in bed! Me: No, these are Crisps. I had them imported from the UK. Holding a banana up to your ear used to be a prop for someone on the telephone. OLD! It’s been replaced by the Pop Tart. I accidentally drank holy water with my laxative. I’m about to start a religious movement. Grandma used to say, “The best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” She was a terrible heart surgeon. My girlfriend poked me in both of my eyes. I stopped seeing her. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2026, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8205 "2026-09-06T03:42:30Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/hw3iggvjizdiuedqkq6y) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/hw3iggvjizdiuedqkq6y) ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2026, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8206 "2026-09-06T13:45:53Z")
> [@smithsb](#): > > I accidentally drank holy water with my laxative. > I’m about to start a religious movement. Holy shit! ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2026, 6:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8207 "2026-09-07T06:12:35Z")
_Chick-Fil-A:_ “We’re closed Sundays, because of The LORD!” _Taco Bell_: “We named this hot sauce after Satan!” ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2026, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8208 "2026-09-07T21:13:13Z")
\*\* Coupla math jokes: \*\* Why did the fraction break up with the decimal? Because they couldn’t see the point. * * * Parallel lines have so much in common. Shame they’ll never meet. * * * Why can’t your nose grow 12 inches? Cuz then it would be a foot. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2026, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8209 "2026-09-07T21:39:51Z")
### I am reading a horror story in Braille Someone is gonna die, I can feel it. * * * ### Hello. and welcome to Pessimism Club. Don’t expect much, and you’ll still be greatly disappointed. * * * ### A man suffering from terrible stress goes to a psychiatrist for help… He sits on the couch and jitters nervously. “What seems to be the problem,” the Psychiatrist asks. “Well Doc, I’ve been having these two reoccurring dreams for months, and they’re really starting to worry me. I’m sleeping less because I’m scared and it’s taking a toll on me” “Interesting,” the doc says, “and what are these two dreams?” “Well,” the man says, “in one dream I’m a teepee. And in the other I’m a wigwam.” “Ahhh,” the doc says, " I see your problem… You’re two tents." * * * ### Quoting _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_ is as easy as 1-2-5. * * * ### Did you hear about the guy who dated Supergirl and Wonder Woman? Turns out, he was a heroine addict. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2026, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8210 "2026-09-07T23:09:50Z")
Circle came up to Triangle at a bar. Starts puttin’ on those round moves. Triangle: “Mmm-hmmm. You’re pointless.” ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2026, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8211 "2026-09-08T00:29:35Z")
> [@purplehorseshoe](#): > > Parallel lines have so much in common. > > Shame they’ll never meet. But non-parallel lines meet once, and then forever grow further apart, and that’s even sadder. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=409) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=411)