# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 411
**Author:** ![Railer13](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/railer13/32/9742_2.png) [@Railer13](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Railer13)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2026, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8212 "2026-09-08T02:07:42Z")
This just in: Donald Trump is going to change the name of the San Andreas Fault to Joe Biden’s Fault. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2026, 8:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8213 "2026-09-08T08:11:19Z")
Shot my 1st turkey today. Scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome. Inquisitive grandchild: “Wow grampa, you were in the war? Did you kill anyone?” Grampa: "Yes, probably. I was a cook Two burglars are robbing a liquor store. One turns to the other and asks, “Is this whiskey?” The other replies, “Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank.” I was at the cemetery today putting some flowers down. As soon as I walked away, a lady came up to me and said, "How are you today?’ I said, “Oh shit, you can see me!” She freaked out and took off running. [![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/tvxybftevpicmjjx1knd) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/tvxybftevpicmjjx1knd) ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2026, 8:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8214 "2026-09-08T08:49:36Z")
To co-worker: I heard that you have tattoos all over your shoulders and back? Me: Yes. And sometimes when people are sad, I let them color them in. Co-worker: Why would you do that? Me: Sometimes people just need a shoulder to crayon. Research shows that starting your day with an early morning run with a rucksack is the best way to make sure your day can’t get any worse than it started. Writing a direct, blunt email about a terrible plan: “This is a terrible idea and it’s going to fail.” Passive-aggressive corporate translation: “I have some reservations about this approach, but I look forward to seeing how we mitigate the risks.” Don’t mess with me. I have had my patience tested. I am negative. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2026, 12:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8215 "2026-09-08T12:45:23Z")
### I got a letter in the mail today confirming my new job as a mailman. I should have started last week. * * * ### Over 75% of Americans say they would buy a laser gun if they were available to the public… …according to a survey by the PewPewPew Institute. * * * ### What did one bacterium say to another bacterium? I can see you are a man of culture. * * * ### Some weirdo called and invited me to his dog’s birthday party. I said, “Heck, no, my cat’s getting married that weekend.” * * * ### I hate all these people who say I need to be “saved” or I’ll “burn”. Stupid firemen. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2026, 12:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8216 "2026-09-08T12:49:56Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Some weirdo called and invited me to his dog’s birthday party. > > I said, “Heck, no, my cat’s getting married that weekend.” [![](https://images.teepublic.com/derived/production/designs/72870637_0/1740825984/i_m:pid_1918,c_s_auto_br,bc_ffffff,s_630,q_90.jpg) ](https://images.teepublic.com/derived/production/designs/72870637_0/1740825984/i_m:pid_1918,c_s_auto_br,bc_ffffff,s_630,q_90.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2026, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8217 "2026-09-09T01:52:19Z")
Driving test Instructor: Turn the car on. Me: Stroking the car console, "You like that don’t you … do you want me to … Instructor: That’s it. Test over, I’m out of here. “This car is a lemon. I’ve had nothing but trouble with it.” Me: “I’m not interested in your Saab story.” What do you get when you cross a bear with a mountain lion? Killed, you get killed! I told my wife she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised. Woman behind the lingerie counter. “Nice, is it a surprise for your wife?” Me: “Only if she catches me wearing it.” How did the hammerhead shark do on its test? He nailed it. Had my car towed yesterday. Nothing wrong with it, cheaper than buying gas. Mostly from Dad joke substack. ---
**Author:** ![Peter\_Morris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peter_morris/32/359_2.png) [@Peter\_Morris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peter_Morris)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2026, 10:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8218 "2026-09-09T10:14:24Z")
The three ages of man: Tri-weekly Try weekly Try weakly ---
**Author:** ![Peter\_Morris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peter_morris/32/359_2.png) [@Peter\_Morris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peter_Morris)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2026, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8219 "2026-09-09T18:47:19Z")
[![](https://images.nightcafe.studio/ik-seo/jobs/l9cv5aJAPf23uOiqXYMr/l9cv5aJAPf23uOiqXYMr--0--1NJ_i/template-mad.jpg?tr=w-1600,c-at_max) ](https://images.nightcafe.studio/ik-seo/jobs/l9cv5aJAPf23uOiqXYMr/l9cv5aJAPf23uOiqXYMr--0--1NJ_i/template-mad.jpg?tr=w-1600,c-at_max) ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2026, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8220 "2026-09-12T04:53:56Z")
What’s the difference between a hippo & a Zippo? One’s pretty heavy. The other is a little lighter. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2026, 5:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8221 "2026-09-12T05:52:33Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/ej9e2wopydas1zitrphk) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/ej9e2wopydas1zitrphk) ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2026, 5:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8222 "2026-09-12T05:54:33Z")
She’s leaning back slightly so as to not be eaten. [![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/yyzqcsqmzztxtimo8dk2) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/yyzqcsqmzztxtimo8dk2) ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2026, 6:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8223 "2026-09-12T06:34:21Z")
So my daughter has a psychology degree. I asked her, “Do like hanging out with dear old dad, or am I a case study?” She glanced at me, picked up her phone, and said, “Subject is aware.” When I die, I want to be cremated but at the funeral service, there will be an open casket with a muppet version of me. Thank you for your order from our Sensually Yours Shop. You asked for the large red dildo as featured on our wall. Please select another product as that is our fire extinguisher. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2026, 7:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8224 "2026-09-12T07:03:03Z")
If you’re experiencing joint pain, you’re probably holding the lit end. “Remember son, we’re men. We walk in. We buy. We walk out. No browsing.” Gal influencer. “First date, eat off his plate. Establish dominance.” Reader added commentary. “Leave her with the bill. Establish consequences.” [![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/nuzlyc9phtrmnyyjty7j) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/nuzlyc9phtrmnyyjty7j) ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2026, 12:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8225 "2026-09-12T12:33:11Z")
This was especially funny coming right after a joke involving a hippo. ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2026, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8226 "2026-09-12T14:08:17Z")
Netflix has a new mini series _Monster: The Lizzie Borden Story_. It’s ax-rated. I’ve been dying to see the movie _Constipation_ but it still hasn’t come out. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2026, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8227 "2026-09-12T17:58:26Z")
### Why does Spider-Man hate driving with his evil twin? Because he’s a bad parallel Parker. * * * ### I realize the writer of the Iliad and the Odyssey was better than me every time I enter my house I am home, but he was Homer. * * * ### In Buddhism, people first die, then they attain Nirvana. ..Kurt Cobain did it the other way round. * * * ### My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing… Probably because it’s a Dell. * * * ### I saw a Battle Droid push a foul-mouthed clone trooper off a cliff… …he was arrested for making an obscene clone fall. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2026, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8228 "2026-09-12T18:07:52Z")
I went to my doctor and told him I keep hearing a buzzing sound. He said, yeah, there’s a bug going around. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2026, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8229 "2026-09-13T19:46:14Z")
**Lady Gaga and her husband have a new baby.** We don’t know when it was born, or the weight, or the gender, or the name. But some media reporters are calling it “Gugu Gaga” for now. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2026, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8230 "2026-09-13T19:48:01Z")
I hope the kid doesn’t have long, green ears. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2026, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8231 "2026-09-13T20:29:44Z")
**God uses those people who fail…** 'Cause there aren’t any of the others around. – Charles Spurgeon [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=410) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=412)