# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 412
**Author:** ![billy-jack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac91a4/32.png) [@billy-jack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billy-jack)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2026, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8232 "2026-09-13T21:14:23Z")
Why is Trump not invited to the Louvre? He would insist on signing all the paintings. ---
**Author:** ![DesertDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/desertdog/32/11503_2.png) [@DesertDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DesertDog)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2026, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8233 "2026-09-13T21:16:16Z")
> [@smithsb](#): > > Please select another product as that is our fire extinguisher. Anything’s a toy if you’re brave enough. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2026, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8234 "2026-09-13T22:47:31Z")
**Carving a pumpkin in September…** Is a clear case of Premature Ejackolantern. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2026, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8235 "2026-09-14T20:10:22Z")
A guy is sitting at a bar, drinking his drink, and every few minutes uttering the sentence “lawyers are assholes.” After several minutes of this, the guy on the next stool speaks up. “Excuse me, but I find that extremely offensive.” “Are you a lawyer?” “No, I’m an asshole.” ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2026, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8236 "2026-09-16T02:52:02Z")
Nurse (smiling). “Congratulations on your successful vasectomy.” Me. “What? It was supposed to be an appendectomy!” Interviewer: "What was the worst side effects or outcomes from your COVID shots? Me: " I’m alive to endure this shithole administration." ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2026, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8237 "2026-09-16T03:48:34Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/g6t9lrlsbc6oiq8prw3z) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/g6t9lrlsbc6oiq8prw3z) ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2026, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8238 "2026-09-16T04:52:33Z")
Her: There’s no way I can pay my rent but (unbuttoning blouse) maybe there’s another… Him: I’m sure we can (standing, undoing pants) work some… Others: This is Monopoly people! Relationships: Object of my affection: “Go away, Steven.” Me: “It’s Stephen, with a PH.” HER: “Go away PHteven!” To do list: 1. Drink coffee. 2. Avoid slapping stupid people. 3. Repeat 1 and 2. Before therapy: I hate everyone. After therapy: I’m okay with hating everyone. I woke up this morning determined to eat right, exercise, drink less … But that was four hours ago, when I was younger and full of hope. Girlfriends talking . “If you could have sex with any celebrity, dead or alive. Who would it be?” "Alive, definitely alive " ---
**Author:** ![Thing.Fish](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thing.fish/32/9168_2.png) [@Thing.Fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thing.Fish)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2026, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8239 "2026-09-16T17:01:48Z")
Treat your body like a data center: Consume large amounts of water and literature, and annoy the city council by existing. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2026, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8240 "2026-09-16T17:51:00Z")
(This is a test joke, if I may. I’m interested in seeing how many folks get it) _Poll ([view on site](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8240))_ I started a band, we call ourselves the Palindromes. Our first album will be titled “If I Had a Stereo”. “stereo = hi-fi” I never claimed it was funny. 😁 ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2026, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8241 "2026-09-17T15:53:25Z")
(Previous joke re-structured): I started a band, we call ourselves the Palindromes. Our first album will be titled “If I Had a Hi-Fi”. ---
**Author:** ![pjd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pjd/32/3009_2.png) [@pjd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pjd)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2026, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8242 "2026-09-17T16:40:25Z")
That’s better. ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2026, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8243 "2026-09-17T17:26:24Z")
_It’s a hi-fi of justice…_ _It’s a hi-fi of freedom…_ _It’s a hi-fi of love between my brothers and my sisters…_ ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2026, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8244 "2026-09-17T17:37:29Z")
My kids told me “dad, stop telling everybody your opinions about computers. You don’t know what you’re talking about”. To that I said “hey, I don’t like computers and I don’t trust them. That’s a perfectly valid opinion, even if you don’t agree with it”. They replied “that’s not what you say, though. You keep telling people you’re non-binary”. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2026, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8245 "2026-09-19T19:41:55Z")
### Aaarrr! It be Talk Like A Pirate Day, savvy\> _ **A pirate goes to the doctor and say, “I have moles on me back aaarrrghh.”** _ The doctor: “It’s ok, they’re benign.” Pirate: “Count again, I think there be ten!” * * * ### What is a Pirate’s favorite letter? The one from the General Manager telling him he’s been traded to the Yankees. * * * _ **What Does Every Pirate Hate?** _ A small chest with no booty. * * * ### What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? P. Without it, he’s irate. * * * ### When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2026, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8246 "2026-09-19T23:07:54Z")
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? You’d think it would be R, but he’s married to the C. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2026, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8247 "2026-09-20T18:09:00Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/fuqprumylnnbbksjiyc9) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/v200/fuqprumylnnbbksjiyc9) ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2026, 7:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8248 "2026-09-21T07:05:50Z")
Laughter is the best medicine unless … You have broken ribs or explosive diarrhea. My father worked 12 hours a day to put food on our plates. Great man, incredibly slow cook. Not to brag but, I just walked into another room and remembered why I was going there. Pokemon cards on Antiques Roadshow. Feeling old now? Studies show that an increasing number of people aren’t interested in what studies show. Police interviewer, “When did you first notice your wife was dead?” Me, " Well the lovemaking was the same but the dirty dishes were piling up " Police interviewer, “When did you first notice your husband was dead?” Wife, “Well the lovemaking was the same but the lawn was getting really tall.” I’m proud to say that my house doesn’t have any unhealthy snacks on it. Because I ate them all. The longer I live on earth, the easier it is to understand why geese randomly attack people. People are so judgemental, I can tell just by looking at them. Guy wins a big lottery and two days later meets the love of his life. Some people have all the luck. 8am Monday, this is going to be a great week; no matter what happens, I’ll be positive. 9am Monday, I hate everyone. An Irishman walks into a bar in Canada and orders a drink. The bartender, noticing the accent asks, “What brings you to Canada?” Irishman, "Well I was in a pub in Dublin and the coaster under my glass said, “Drink Canada Dry” so I thought I’d give it a try. Guy, I’m 84 and my body is full of aches and pains. Other guy, I’m 85 and feel like a newborn baby. Guy, Really? OG, Yep, no teeth, no hair and I just wet my pants. mostly from Dads substack who stole them from elsewhere. ---
**Author:** ![DesertDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/desertdog/32/11503_2.png) [@DesertDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DesertDog)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2026, 8:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8249 "2026-09-21T08:02:16Z")
Psychiatrist: Do you ever voices but you don’t know who or where they are? Patient: Oh, yes, all the time. Psychiatrist: Interesting. When does this happen? Patient: Right after I answer the phone. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2026, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8250 "2026-09-21T19:01:36Z")
Spock, Captain, we’ve found an asteroid exactly 5,280 ft long. Kirk, That’s rather large isn’t it Spock? Spock, Yes sir, it appears to be some sort of a milestone. Stranger, Nice to meet you. Me, Give it time. It’s been five months since I joined the gym and … still no progress. I think I’ll go there in person and see what the problem is. Her, I want you back​❤ Him, I don’t date women with children. Her, They’re your children​😠 Rhinos are just unicorns that let themselves go. There’s nothing more dangerous than sitting down for a few minutes with your phone. Three hours later: I’ve watched racoons making cotton candy, diagnosed myself with four conditions, and I’m emotionally involved with a stranger’s kitchen remodel. This morning I coughed up a bishop, a pawn, and a rook. I think I have a chess infection. It was a rough knight. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2026, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/8251 "2026-09-21T22:53:21Z")
### A billiard ball rolls into the psychiatrist’s office “You gotta help me, doc!” The ball says. “I don’t know what’s going on with my life - it feels like I’m just getting knocked around, bouncing off the walls, falling into deep pockets and then I just lie there til somebody pulls me out and it all starts all over again! I don’t know how much longer I can take it!” “I see,” The psychiatrist says. “Well, why don’t we start from the beginning.? Where do you think your problems began?” “Well, doc, I think it all goes back to my mother. See, she worked at the billiard ball factory, she was the one who painted the balls as they came off the assembly line. And let me tell you, she did a number on me!” * * * ### I say, I say, why, oh why can’t you see in the dark? Because “dark” doesn’t have a “c”. * * * ### TIL that the word “nothing” is a palindrome. I mean, backwards, it’s “gnihton” which means nothing. * * * ### I post on this thread following a couple of simple rules. 1. No pee jokes. That’s #1. 2. No poop jokes. That’s #2. * * * ### Sydney Sweeney says, “Thank God for nipples. Without them, tits would be pointless.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=411) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=413)